welcome! to the layer down under that
after looking things over here at emotional feelings,
try out "the layer down under," (part of the emotional feelings network of sites) & read a special "i
just gotta say it" column concerning porn addiction by clicking here! Be sure to scroll down towards the bottom of the right hand column to find it!
another important suggestion... visit
this homepage to learn more about the features included within the emotional feelings network of
How this site works best for you!
notice that there are many underlined link words in each article below. The reason for this is that you have reached not only, "the
layer down under that," but the emotional feelings network of sites. There are many
sites included within the network that'll be visited by clicking on these underlined link words.
If you can't find what you came
here looking for, visit the homepage for the emotional feelings network of sites by clicking above & read the options on
the homepage for the networks index of sites. Try to be specific when looking for an emotion or feeling word & click on the site you need!
It's very simple & very
interesting to follow your way thru the layers of your buried or stuffed emotions & feelings that have accumulated throughout the years!
when you've reached this point, or this website, you know you're making
progress!!!! this part gets difficult because now is the time to look within & become emotionally honest with yourself!!!
Best of luck & if you're
still stuck, send me an e-mail anytime, by clicking here & I'll be glad to send you an immediate personal response!
Getting down to the nitty gritty....
Petty or nagging criticism; carping.
Disposed to find fault; critical.
disapproval expressed by pointing out faults or shortcomings
marked by a tendency to find and call attention to errors and flaws
Liberated from Faultfinding
For the glory of God &
the encouragement of others I wish to testify against the evil of faultfinding. Soon after the beginning
of my Christian experience, about 12 years ago, I was severely harassed by this adversary of my soul. So cunningly were my
eyes blinded to my real condition that I was almost overwhelmed at times thru the workings of this dangerous influence.
At times I'd be almost free from it, but very much of the time I seemed to have a peculiar faculty of finding the mote in the eyes of others & was
never aware of the beam in my own eye. I could see so much to pick at in some brethren that there was no time left for me
to step aside & occasionally take myself into account & see myself as others saw me.
I thought I could conduct some affairs over which others had charge, so much better than they were being conducted, that I was at times
uncomfortable because I didn't have a chance to show what I could do. It's needless to say that during the time that I was a prey to this
wicked spirit, I had little, if any, spiritual life; but I tried to convince myself that I was doing quite well.
There was, however, a blank
or a real lack in my Christian life, because I hadn't learned to be an ideal Christian in humility before God & meekness towards my fellow men.
As soon as I passed thru enough
sad experiences to make me the happy possessor of a willing spirit, I began to realize that I was learning the necessary lessons & thru these trials &
tribulations I began to have a little understanding of the cause & root of my trouble.
There were 3 happenings that
aided in awakening me to my need.
1st one was a few years ago, when I received from a brother a letter in which he said,
“Brother, you need continuity.”
That reproof found
its place in my heart & the first seed was sown toward a harvest of willingness. Although it brought no immediate results,
yet it stayed by me & was very prominent before me many times.
con·ti·nu·i·ty: noun, plural -ties.
||the state or quality of being continuous. |
||a continuous or connected whole. |
Synonym: flow - progression
2nd lesson was brought to me thru a sermon. The sister who delivered the sermon related the experience of a
brother who had years of difficulty in regard to finding fault with others & who finally
concluded that the trouble was more with him than with those he criticized.
I began to see my own case
a little clearer, but I didn't fully learn the lesson until sometime later.
3rd lesson came in the following manner. A brother in whom I had some confidence came to my home & asked for a position, which I secured for him. We admitted him into our home for his comfort as well as for our pleasure spiritually, as we supposed he would be a help to us.
It wasn't long, however, until
it seemed there was nothing that escaped his faultfinding. He saw
mountains of fault with us & our children. At last I saw in his case a picture of what I myself had done during
the past, but I had banished from my life all thoughts of ever again being influenced by such a faultfinding spirit.
Never before had I been able
to see the picture of my former condition as I saw it when fully manifested in the life of this brother.
Although it had been my desire & no doubt his full intention to do what was right, nevertheless this evil habit, if I may call it such, had gained such a foothold in my life & in
his life as to be a hindrance to our own spiritual progress & a stumblingblock in the way of others.
habit of faultfinding by those who are claiming to be children of God has caused them to wander from the true paths
of righteousness into forbidden paths & also to turn many others from the path that leads to everlasting life.
It's with much gratitude to God that I undertake to tell of my deliverance from that great barrier & hindrance to my spiritual progress. When
I came to the point where I humbled my heart before the Lord & let Him turn the searchlight upon me, the faults in others weren't so great, but mine had seemed to
climb mountain high.
It was with a determination & positive decision to turn from such things & the Lord, understanding my intentions in regard to those things, took note of my humility of heart & delivered me, for which I give Him all the praise & glory.
May the dear Lord help us
all to bear with each other & forbear complaining, even though it may at times seem necessary. I'm sure it will bring
about a great measure of the grace of God.
Beyond blame & faultfinding
50 years ago,
Thomas Merton wrote, "Instead of hating people you think are war-makers, hate the appetites & disorder in your own soul, which are the causes of war.
If you love peace, then hate injustice, hate tyranny, hate greed - but hate these things in yourself, not in another. To put it a little differently, it's a good idea to take the stick out of one's
own eye before trying to remove the speck out of another's."
For most of us,
it's a habit to see fault in others & to be blind to the same or similar faults in ourselves. When this happens between couples it usually leads to trouble.
Jerry & Lisa (names & circumstances have been changed) came seeking help with their relationship. They were always arguing. Both were depressed by their situation & were on the point of giving up on their marriage.
Sitting at opposite ends of
a sofa. Lisa started:
their relationship was falling apart…there
was no spark between them…Jerry no longer paid attention to her…he showed no affection & was always going out with his friends drinking.
Jerry jumped in at this point
saying the reason he didn't pay attention was that since the birth of Liam, their first child, Lisa had no time for him…she
was only interested in the baby…he went out with his friends because she was "boring".
By this time tempers
were running high. Lisa & Jerry had shown us in a few minutes what was at the heart of their difficulties - they were
into blame & fault-finding.
Lisa blamed Jerry for starting their problem by withdrawing from her & then spending most of his time
with his mates. Jerry saw it as all Lisa's fault by shutting him out of her life.
Can see how the pieces
fitted together? From Jerry's point of view, his going out made sense in the light of his feeling rejected by Lisa & her focus on Liam made sense in the light of Jerry spending little time with her & instead, going out with
Both Jerry & Lisa's behaviour
was a response to an action that preceded it, while at the same time acting as a trigger for the behavior that followed it.
Who was at fault was the ultimate chicken-&-egg problem. In any case, deciding who to blame was never going to help generate a practical solution, because the real question was how to help Lisa & Jerry break their
pattern before it broke their the relationship.
1st, we discussed the disadvantages
of this fault / blame pattern. It wasn't helping because it put a solution beyond their control - both were sitting around waiting for the other to change.
We mentioned it only needed one of them to change for the pattern to be changed - even a small change by one partner could generate bigger changes & turn things around dramatically.
2nd, we talked
about how families undergo developmental changes in much the same way as individuals. The birth of a child, starting school, the last child leaving home, losing a job, aging
parents, death of a loved one - are all events (changes) that challenge even the strongest relationships.
Lisa & Jerry's problems
started with the birth of their child. They hadn't anticipated the ways in which Liam would affect their relationship. Research has revealed that for some couples, marital satisfaction can go down following the birth of a child.
When Jerry & Lisa accepted that many of their difficulties were connected with the birth of their much-loved child, they were able to view their troubled relationship in a more positive light. It enabled them to remove themselves from the cycle of blame.
We also talked about
the meaning of "responsibility" as "response-able - able to choose one's response. Neither had to respond to each other in the way they did - each had the
ability to respond differently - to put a stop to the cycle of fault & blame.
The trick was for each of
them to think differently, to ask themselves: what can I do, rather than what s/he should do. This is the opposite of waiting around for
the other to change. It's being proactive rather than reactive.
At SWIFT we've noticed that
if one partner offers a conciliatory gesture, the other notices, reciprocates & a new constructive pattern of interaction
can begin to emerge.
We suggested an experiment.
Each would identify as honestly as they were able, how they, personally, had contributed to the impasse. Then, put what they found in the form of a brief
letter addressed to the other. They could exchange letters or read them out later in the session. They opted to read them
out & agreed to allow each other to ask clarifying questions after the reading.
In separate rooms they thought & wrote. After about 10 minutes we all came back together. Lisa volunteered to read her letter first.
She acknowledged her focus on their baby…that she had found it difficult to care much about how she looked…she knew that Jerry had been attracted to her because of her looks & because she always
looked smart when they went out together…she could see why Jerry was angry.
At this point Lisa began to cry.
A bit embarrassed, Jerry reached over & held her hand as she wiped away the tears.
Jerry didn't want to
ask Lisa any questions, but went on to read his letter to her. Yes, he didn't do much around the house & left Liam
to her…he didn't really mean it when he said that she was "boring," & he was sorry for that…leaving Lisa so
much on her own was one of the main ways he was making things worse.
We asked them to consider
one step that each could take to move things in the right direction. Lisa thought for a minute & said she would start taking better care of herself & be ready to go out with Jerry once a week
Jerry thought he could try to get home earlier on a couple of nights a week & take some of the strain off Lisa with Liam &
they could plan to go out together one evening or so a week.
They left to put their plans
into action. Before long their relationship had improved. Though there were ups & downs, they learnt over
time to discuss their difficulties without falling into a blame / fault-pattern.
In 2 weeks time we'll be looking
at how you can change your relationship even if your partner doesn't seem interested.
This article, written by swift counsellors, was recently published in the Swindon
Evening Advertiser. Go to the Library to see others in this series.
How To Criticize & Still Be Nice - By Michael Lee
Have you ever encountered an experience when someone
told you how fat you've become? Maybe your boss have commented on how bad your work turned out to be. Maybe you've heard from
other folks how people view you as cold and unapproachable.
Hurts, doesn't it?
Believe it or not, some people
can be so tactless that they are not even aware when they've hurt anyone's feelings. The receiving parties, especially the
sensitive ones, would be offended by their remarks. This would result in conflicts and arguments.
You know you're
doing them a big favor by saving them from shame or disappointment, but would they realize your good intentions instead of
feeling hurt by your brutally frank comments or advices?
They might probably think you're too rude or impolite. But
what can you do if you really need to assert an honest criticism, but you're afraid of hurting others' feelings?
to know the secret?
All you have to do is sandwich your negative comment between two positive remarks.
example, your best friend Paul is going on his very first date. He's all excited and raring to go. Now Paul doesn't have any
fashion sense. He's wearing a bland shirt and old jeans. You know all along how he hates to admit that he's wrong. So what
will you do to save Paul from an embarassing first date?
Would you say to him that the outfit he's wearing is repulsive?
That would hurt his ego.
Well, you can first point out the things that you like in his overall appearance. Comment
on his well-groomed hair. Tell him he looks cool when wearing his sunglasses. Ask him where he bought his perfume because
it can certainly attract women like bees to honey. Be sincere and honest.
Then, insert in a nice and suave manner
your point of view and advice. You can tell him something like:
"Your shirt seems to be very comfortable to wear,
Paul. Since this is your very first date, I think Sandra (his date) will be much more impressed if you would wear something
like the outfit that you wore on my birthday. You look smashing when you put on clothes like that."
another positive statement. You could say something like:
"You would definitely make a big impact on Sandra. She would
fall heads over heels over your gorgeous appearance and cheerful personality. Have a great time on your date, Paul."
you think Paul would be offended by such pleasant comments? Not a chance. You have wittingly inserted a slightly negative
feedback into a plethora of acceptable and ego-boosting remarks.
People love compliments. They believe they got the
qualities. They want other people to intensify the great abilities that they believe to possess. People wanted to hear their
greatness purported from someone else's mouth, and they would be very glad if other individuals would know about it.
if you want to criticize anybody, remember to praise him first. It will leave a positive impression that you're a nice guy.
Then say what you have to say, but in a smooth and non-offensive manner. Finalize with another positive reinforcement to establish
a foundation of goodwill.
I Thought I Was Right - By
Have you ever known 100% without a doubt that you
were right only to be “inflicted” with a different outcome that left you dumbfounded? Or maybe you are still holding
on to the “I AM RIGHT” theory, believing your way will come to fruition soon.
Expecting specific outcomes
in our day to day life can drain us of vital energy. The conflicts our expectations can create can lead to poor health and
“underdeveloped” relationships – (with this side and the other side.) This is not to say that we will never
know when we are “right” about the events in our life. It’s about learning to know when our ego is talking
instead of our intuition. Learning the difference and surrendering to intuition will add a dimension of trust, peace and acceptance
regardless of who is right.
Anticipating vs. Expecting
The concept of anticipating vs. expecting can be a simple
shift in understanding that will help make a world of difference in recognizing when your ego is guiding you instead of your
intuition. Anticipating puts an optimistic spin on the things we do. Imagine taking every thought you have, generating a desire
and surrendering it to whatever outcome. Practicing the art of anticipating instead of expecting can help you surrender the
Here is a short visualization that can help you to “check your expectations at the door”
with practice, practice, practice.
"Visualize yourself sitting on a park bench under a flowering shade tree. You notice
a beautiful butterfly fluttering around you. There are actually several butterflies all around you. Before you know it one
of the butterflies comes to rest on the bridge of your nose directly between your eyes. As you feel the tickle of his feet
on your nose you greet him with, “Well, hello there.” You hear him whisper; “I am here to take your desires
to places unknown. Please give me all your thoughts and desires about _______, and trust me as I travel with them carefree
to a harmonious destination.” Within seconds the butterfly lifts up off your nose and begins to flutter about again.
He is happy. He is light. He is touched joyfully by the breeze that carries him away. You continue to watch and notice all
the butterflies and their dance of joy. You are at peace with wherever the butterfly may go because you recognize the power
in letting go."
The more we allow ourselves to relax about the outcome of our day to day activities the more connected
we become with our center, thus creating a balance within ourselves and opening doors to better communication with loved ones,
co-workers, and our Spirit Guides on the other side.
Make it a sweet day,
more info concerning fault finding!
celebrating small accomplishments....
Writer's Block -
How about a cheer for
Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone could walk around with their own personal cheerleader?
Imagine for a
minute that you have someone dedicated to celebrating each one of your personal achievements, whether they are big or small.
that one day you find yourself lost while driving in an unfamiliar area. Determined to make that wrong turn right, you continue
to drive as unrecognizable buildings blur past your windows. Maybe if I turn this way or that way, I’ll find may way.
Eventually, after what seems like hours, you suddenly see your destination & arrive there safe & sound.
It’s a wonderful
feeling as you sit in your car & bask in the glorious sense of accomplishment that fills your entire being. Perhaps, you even do a private dance of celebration & joy as a triumphant smile lights your entire face.
of life’s small, daily accomplishments that we take pride in & don’t necessarily celebrate with others.
Imagine how much
more rewarding these moments would be if we had someone dedicated to cheering for us & everything we do.
talking about everyone walking around with their own pom-pom girl breaking into a boisterous cheer every time we successfully
solve a problem or make a good choice.
I’m thinking we should take a cue from little kids & cheer freely for ourselves & others in celebration of all of life’s accomplishments.
Have you ever
noticed how children are more than willing to cheer for themselves, their family & friends no matter what.
matter what they are cheering for. Young children, especially, just want to celebrate everyone’s successes in life.
I have my own
personal cheerleader in my two-year-old daughter.
The other day
we were at the grocery store & I had given her something to put in the back of the cart.
From her perch
in the cart’s front seat, she reached her arm behind her & did her best to toss the bag into the large rectangle
The bag bounced
off the cart’s side railing & landed in the middle of the aisle & she watched as I rounded the cart, picked
up the bag & tossed on top of the boxes of cereal & gallons of milk.
I made my way
to the front of the cart & prepared to push it down the aisle. Before I took a step, though, my daughter’s voice
Mommy,” she said with a grin.
done anything special. I had just put some frozen potatoes into the grocery cart. But in her eyes, it was something special that needed to be celebrated.
If we don’t
have a cheerleader, perhaps we should take a more active role in cheering ourselves on for whatever it is we do.
Recently, my daughter
used her potty chair for the first time. It was an unexpected surprise that we cheered & celebrated with her.
The next day she
sat on her potty chair with no results.
matter to her, though. She stood up & triumphantly clapped & cheered for herself. “Yeah me,” she extolled
as she stood beaming in the bathroom.
How nice it is to be your own cheerleader.
matter what the accomplishment is or how it rates in another person’s eyes. If something makes you happy or proud, you should celebrate it & give yourself a cheer or two. It
doesn’t hurt & it will make you feel good for the rest of the day.
Simple FeastCelebrations Large and Small
by Carey Burkett
Yesterday I learned that a
friend will be moving far away. And my thoughts have turned to planning a good-bye party, i.e. what kind of food we should fix & eat together our last time. This train
of thought is totally appropriate in her case, as Katie herself always seemed to whip up wonderful celebrations at the drop of a hat.
She would welcome a friend
home from a summer trip with a three-salad luncheon. Her solution to post-Christmas blues? An Epiphany potluck. Birthdays
at her house meant balloons, candles, a banner & favorite foods. To her notion, a hard day’s work deserved tea,
scones & strawberry jam in the afternoon. A surprise picnic would emerge from cloth bags when you thought we were all just going for a swim at the river.
Not a bad way to keep the
everyday miracle of being alive at the forefront of your mind. Truly, most things, large or small, are worth celebrating. Even having family supper together shouldn't be taken lightly - there's no guarantee that you'll all be together
Marking small accomplishments, as well as milestones & rites of passage, is an important tool in overcoming discouragement. For celebrants, a little pause in the daily grind brings welcome refreshment. So much of our work & home lives can seem
like an endless battle with entropy - the stack of unanswered letters & bills overflows its folder; you just replaced
the car battery & now the radiator needs flushing; the missing buttons are no sooner sewn back on their respective shirts when you notice your favorite socks are
getting holes in the heels; audacious bugs leave spit marks on the newly washed curtains (not to
mention the curtain rod bracket that keeps losing a nail, sending the same clean curtains down onto the floor).
especially, can feel like a treadmill. One meal is barely over when you have to think about the next one. Clean dishes rest in the cupboard briefly only to go back out on the table to get dirty again. Hungry,
full. Dirty, clean. Fixed, broken. The cycle rolls along, over & over.
UNLESS YOU ascribe to the
buy-your-way-out-of-trouble (from hunger to broken appliances) attitude of Madison Avenue, fighting entropy is part of life. But a little party once in awhile - something just a bit different from
the normal routine - can remind you how important those daily ordinary efforts actually are. That reminder then gives strength for the next round.
Belief, conviction, self-discipline can keep us going. But moments of gratitude & pleasure can make the journey more
joyful. Medical scientists have proven the health benefits of "looking forward" to something.
Our immune systems are physically bolstered by pleasurable moments, no matter how small.
So consider designing a few
mini-celebrations in the next weeks & months to come. They don’t need to be fancy or expensive, just gatherings with plenty of laughter & good munchies.
Katie’s birthday is
this Friday. We’re going to have a Chinese meal (this won’t be the good-bye party yet)
& these eggs rolls will be the first course:
Chinese Egg Rolls
• 1 pkg. egg roll wrappers (available
in many ordinary grocery stores)
• 1 lb. spicy "hot" ground pork (optional if you
want vegetarian egg rolls)
• 1 large onion, chopped finely
• 1/2 head green cabbage, shredded
2 stalks celery, diced
• 3 scallions, sliced into rounds (use both green & white portions)
6-10 mushrooms, chopped (any variety)
• 2 slices fresh ginger root (found in the produce
• small can bamboo shoots (optional)
• 3 T. soy sauce
1 1/2 T. sherry wine
• 2 T. oil
• 2 T. cornstarch
• 1 tsp. salt
Put 1 T. oil in hot skillet. Stir in shredded cabbage, celery
& regular onion. Add 1/2 tsp. salt. Keep stirring until vegetables are soft & translucent. Tip out into a big bowl.
Put remaining oil in skillet. Add ginger root slices & stir
in pork. Cook until pork loses its pink color. Drain excess fat. Add chopped green onion, mushrooms & bamboo shoots. (If omitting pork, put ginger root in skillet with these vegetables.) Cook for one minute.
Add this mixture to vegetables in big bowl. Also add sherry,
soy sauce, corn starch. Mix well, then drain off excess liquid using a sieve. Remove ginger root slices. Allow to cool to
lukewarm. (Filling can be made ahead several days. Allow to come back to room temperature before
Place two rounded tablespoons filling on each egg roll skin.
Wrap, then seal edges with a little water. Heat one inch vegetable oil in a deep skillet until a bread cube dropped in fries
a nice golden brown. Deep fry egg rolls a few at a time, turning as each side becomes golden brown. Serve immediately, accompanied
by the following sauce:
• 2 T. cider vinegar
• 2 T. soy sauce
4 tsp. brown sugar
• 2 tsp. commercial hoi sin sauce (optional)
Stir together in small bowl.
CAREY BURKETT is an organic vegetable farmer in Hallettsville,
i'm praying that more catholic school teachers
will find these two paragraphs, somehow... (esp. those in Dayton, Ohio)
excerpt: "Let me now deal briefly with the points raised concerning the attitude of the teacher, particularly towards adult aspirants.
The true teacher must deal in truth & in sincerity with all seekers. His time (in so far as he is held by the time equation on the physical plane)
is too valuable to waste in social politeness or in refraining from making critical comment where a good purpose would be served. He must
depend thoroughly upon the sincerity of those whom he teaches. Nevertheless, criticism & the pointing out of faults & errors
doesn't always prove helpful; it may but increase responsibility, evoke antagonism or unbelief, or produce depression - 3 of the most undesirable results of the use of the critical faculty." from: education in the new age
Prejudice - prejudging, making a decision about a person
or group of people without sufficient knowledge. Prejudicial thinking is based on stereotypes.
Prejudice is pre-judging, making a decision about a person or group of people without
sufficient knowledge. Prejudicial thinking is based on stereotypes. Prejudice is a feeling or attitude.
excerpt: Bias & Prejudice By Michelle, age 17
Having a prejudice is when a person makes a negative judgment or evaluation without knowing all of the facts. We're all entitled to our own opinions, but it's how our opinions affect our actions towards others that really count.
When we have
prejudices, we have thoughts that cause us to unfairly judge & treat others in favor of specific opinions & actions that support our point of view. If we aren't careful, our opinions can turn into prejudicial behavior. The scary part is that many of us don't even notice when biases & prejudicial thinking or behavior happens.
In fact, many
people experience or act out on a prejudice & do not even notice it - this is called unconscious
Do the biases & prejudices that you deal with
in your life cause you to treat people badly or exclude them?
you avoided making friends with someone because of their race or sexual orientation?
Have you ever
let friends make fun of certain groups without thinking about how the jokes may hurt?
We need to make an effort to notice ourselves judging others & forming biases so that we can have a more peaceful & enjoyable world.