family dysfunction

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family dysfunction

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What can be done about dysfunction in the family?

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When Family Members Stop Speaking to Each Other - By Mark Sichel

We read so much about family estrangement, about mothers and fathers and their grown children who simply enter a cold war of ceased communication. Eminen and his mother, Jennifer Anniston, Kim Bassinger, Jenna Malone, and their mothers, Gerard Depardieu and his son, the Reagans, whose estrangement from their children even merited prominence in the TV special about the former First Family. The list goes on and on. While glamorous stars get into the spotlight when there's a rift in their family, the problem afflicts ordinary folk with a surprising frequency as well. There's a shocking lack of statistics available on the subject of family estrangement, but as a psychotherapist in practice for many years, it's my impression that cut-offs have become a lot more common than they used to be. I hear this from other therapists, too. I also teach family counseling to pastors of all faiths and they tell me that family rifts are an increasingly frequent problem brought to the clergy's attention.

In my own practice, I’m reminded of Gail, a young mother and free-lance commercial artist in New York. Gail has two of the most wonderful daughters in the world, but her mother hasn't spoken to her since she married Carlos, her college sweetheart, who's unacceptable to her mother because he's Latino. Janet is a grandmother of four who’s got a great relationship with her two sons but whose daughter Shelly hasn't talked to her since she divorced Shelly's father.

Why are so many family members not speaking to each other these days? If I had to isolate the common thread in these situations, I'd have to say it's because of intolerance. Certainly that's evident in instances where family members bury each other for lifestyle choices such as homosexuality and choices to marry outside one's religion, race, nationality or ethnicity. But intolerance is also the root cause of family fights that lead to rifts, and by that I mean a prejudice toward differing points of views, small-mindedness when it comes to giving up a grudge, or pettiness and nastiness about forgiveness. It's very similar to the intolerance, bigotry, and prejudice that create rifts between nations and among diverse groups in our cities, states, and nation.

There are other factors, of course. For example, these days people feel freer to stand behind their convictions and don't feel as much of a demand to comply with rules that don't make sense to them. This may be expressed in intermarriage or coming out of the closet. People are increasingly unwilling to deny their real selves and their genuine feelings and desires. I think that's a wonderful sign of progress in our society. Unfortunately, often their family doesn't think that's so great. They think that by cutting off the family member they will change his or her behavior.

Increased freedom has also brought on changes in rules for civil behavior. Family members who at one point might have been constrained by religion or social custom now feel free at times to act on impulses that are devoid of spiritual or social appropriateness.

Living with a family estrangement is extremely painful and can even be debilitating. But I know from personal experience and from treating hundreds of patients in this situation that healing is possible. The central premise of this article is that all healing starts from within. The most important reconciliation is the one you make with yourself.. That way, your family's willingness or unwillingness to participate in a healing process will not be able to take away your peace of mind. When you feel good about yourself and the ways in which you relate to others and are at peace with your spiritual side, you'll be okay whether or not your family speaks to you.

How to Deal with Your Mother-In-Law - By Debbie Mandel

Just the word, mother-in-law, fills the heart with trepidation and self-doubt. This woman has assumed mythic proportions wielding criticism, guilt and coldness. When she visits, you feel like the inspector general has marched into your home. When she interacts with the children, she is evaluating their manners, academic performance and fitness – tracing it all back to you!

However, in reality you can dramatically improve the situation simply by changing the premise underlying the relationship - two women in love with the same man. Now, all the conflicts and criticisms make sense. Next, let your mother-in-law know that she occupies the primary spot in her son’s heart and always will - after all she is his mother.

Then you need to stop licking your wounds and spring into action. Change the habitual responses and stick to neutral territory. Here are some suggestions to befriend your mother-in-law thereby making your husband and children happier:

  • Have a sense of humor - See your life as a sit-com. Look at it from a distance. You laugh at the TV comedy, Everyone Loves Raymond, particularly Marie and Debra’s relationship; try to see the humor in your own relationship with your mother-in-law. Humor goes a long way to defuse hostility.

  • Break the pattern of criticism - When your mother-in-law criticizes you, listen calmly for a few minutes then distract her by changing the topic, pulling out some photos of the children, new make-up or a magazine about a subject she’s interested in like gardening, golf or shopping. Get her into grandma mode by having your children sing, perform or show an award they received.

  • Reinterpret negatives into positives - Anything can be reinterpreted! Be creative and release the anger. Practice it so often that it becomes a reflex action. For example, if your mother-in-law doesn’t even refer to you by your name, if you don’t even merit a “hey, you,” then reinterpret to, “She’s being sensitive to my needs. It is awkward for her as I am not her daughter. So rather than confront me or offend me, she avoids calling me anything.”

  • Affirm your mother-in-law. Compliment the qualities you want to reinforce. Wouldn’t you do this with your child or pet? You don’t want to comment on bad behavior and create the self-fulfilling prophecy.

  • Schedule one-on-one time around her interests to do something fun together: a day at the spa, lunch and shopping, visit the new exhibit. Get to know her on a personal level and bond. Ask about her dreams, her career and her past. Knowledge is power!

  • Be patient and lower your expectations. Don’t envision an immediate transformation or a Kodak moment of love. You can expect mutual respect and loyalty. One step at a time. It took my mother-in-law twenty years to love me, but she finally came around. Where there is life, there is hope.

 

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