 
What makes someone an abandoholic?
Abandoholism sets in when you’ve been hurt so many times
that you’ve come to equate insecurity with love. Unless you’re pursuing someone you’re insecure about, you
don’t feel in love.
Conversely, when someone comes along who wants
to be with you, that person’s availability fails to arouse the required level of insecurity. If you can’t
feel those yearning, lovesick feelings, then you don’t feel attracted, so you keep pursuing unavailable partners.
You become psychobiologically addicted to the high stakes drama
of an emotional challenge and the love-chemicals that go with it.
Abandoholism is driven by both fear
of abandonment and fear of engulfment.
When you’re attracted to someone, it arouses a fear of
losing that person. This fear causes you to become clingy and needy. You try to hide your insecurity, but your desperation
shows through, causing your partners to lose romantic interest in you. They sense your emotional suction cups aiming straight
toward them and it scares them away.
Fear of engulfment is at the opposite end of the spectrum. It
occurs when someone is pursuing you and now you’re the one pulling back. You feel engulfed by that person’s desire
to be with you. When fear of engulfment kicks in, you panic. Your feelings shut down. You no longer feel the connection. The
panic is about your fear of being engulfed by the other person’s emotional expectations of you. You fear that the other
person’s feelings will pressure you to abandon your own romantic needs.
Fear of engulfment is one of the most common causes for the
demise of new relationships, but it is carefully disguised in excuses like: "He just doesn’t turn me on." Or "I don’t
feel any chemistry." Or "She’s too nice to hold my interest." Or "I need more of a challenge."
Abandoholics
tend to swing back and forth between fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. You’re either pursuing hard-to-get-lovers,
or you’re feeling turned off by someone who IS interested in you.
What is Abando-phobism?
Abandophobics are so afraid of rejection that they avoid relationships
altogether.
Abandophobics act out their fear of abandonment by remaining socially isolated, or by appearing to search
for someone, when in fact they are pursuing people who are unattainable, all to avoid the risk of getting attached to a real
prospect – someone who might abandon them sooner or later.
There is a little abandophobism in every abandoholic.
For both abandoholics and abandophobics, a negative attraction is more compelling than a positive one.
You
only feel attracted when you’re in pursuit. You wouldn’t join any club who would have you as a member, so you’re
always reaching for someone out of reach.
How do abandoholism and abandophobism set in?
These patterns may
have been cast in childhood. You struggled to get more attention from your parents but you were left feeling unfulfilled,
which caused you to doubt your self-worth. Over time, you internalized this craving for approval and you learned to idealize
others at your own expense. This became a pattern in your love-relationships.
Now as an adult, you recreate this scenario
by giving your love-partners all of your power, elevating them above yourself, recreating those old familiar yearnings you
grew accustomed to as a child. Feeling emotionally deprived and "less-than" is what you’ve come to expect.
Why does the insecurity linger?
Recent scientific research shows that rather than dissipate, fear tends to
incubate, gaining intensity over time. Insecurity increases with each romantic rejection, causing you to look to others for
something you’ve become too powerless to give yourself: esteem. When you seek acceptance from a withholding partner,
you place yourself in a one-down position, recreating the unequal dynamics you had with your parents or peers. You choreograph
this scenario over and over.
Conversely, you are unable to feel anything when someone freely admires or appreciates
you.
This abandonment compulsion is insidious. You didn’t know it was developing. Until now you didn’t
have a name for it: Abandoholism is a new concept.
Insecurity is an aphrodisiac.
If you are a hard-core abandoholic, you’re drawn to a kind of love that
is highly combustible. The hottest sex is when you’re trying to seduce a hard-to-get lover. Insecurity becomes your
favorite aphrodisiac. These intoxicated states are produced when you sense emotional danger – the danger of your lover’s
propensity to abandon you the minute you get attached.
At the other end of the seesaw, you turn off and shut down
when you happen to successfully win someone’s love. If your lover succumbs to your charms – heaven forbid –
you suddenly feel too comfortable, too sure of him to stay interested. There’s not enough challenge to sustain your
sexual energy. You interpret your turn-off as his not being right for you.
How about following your gut?
If you’re an abandoholic, following your gut
is probably what got you into these patterns in the first place. Your gut gets you to pursue someone who makes your heart
go pitter pat, not because he’s the right one, but because he arouses fear of abandonment. And your gut gets you to
avoid someone who is truly trustworthy, because he doesn’t press the right insecurity buttons.
Enrich
your mind. Follow your wisdom. But until you overcome your abandonment compulsion, don’t follow your gut – it
will only get you into trouble – because your gut tells you that unavailable people are attractive.
Was I Abandoning My Children?
by Kathleen Howe
Suddenly the other night it hit me. I wasn't sure that I was thinking straight, but the possibility set
in and once it existed in my mind - there was no turning back. Did I abandon my children? Lord, you gave me clarity of mind
and now I have to face what I truly - really did? Did I abandon them?
I sent my two oldest girls to live with their father and step mother while I got myself together. I didn't
know what to do. I had worked two jobs and I wasn't coping with my marriage falling apart and the complaining my oldest daughter
was doing about having more responsibilities. She hated being responsible for her younger sister and brother. She hated doing
the dishes. It was a constant struggle with the kids, so I thought, maybe I need to send them to their father so he can take
care of them until I get my life straightened out. After all, my current husband had left me with three children and wasn't
giving me a dime.
He had told me to give up my child support when he wanted us to move up to Michigan from Florida. He didn't
want my first husband to give us grief about leaving. He said he would always take care of us and I didn't need to worry about
it. I should have known he was a liar. He was an abusive liar.
Both of my husbands to that point had abusive tendencies. I was falling apart emotionally. I had no support
system. My mother was talking to me on the phone - asking me questions about government programs. "Doesn't the government
have programs to help women and children?" She was talking about welfare. I was in my late thirties and didn't know a thing
about welfare. I'd never heard of it before.
I'll never forget the day I took the girls to the airport.
I was already half out of my mind. I had never dreamed in a million years I'd be separated from my children. I never did.
It was like I was someone else looking down on my own body. I saw myself talking and performing the tasks at hand. I was surprised
with my oldest daughter slapping me across the face. I had reprimanded her for bringing that damn purse! I had asked her not
to carry it and she didn't listen to me as usual. When I began to fuss at her about it while we waited in line - amongst the
morning business passengers - she slapped me hard across the face. I was once again traumatized. Why wouldn't she slap me?
She had seen me belittled, humiliated, intimidated and thrown out of the house with no clothes on by my
husband. He was a police officer. I couldn't get any help. He continued to threaten me that he would lose his job and never
be able to give me any money. He didn't give me any money anyway. I had just gotten a new car and now I was going to lose
that too. He wanted to go live with a young single cop. He was dating someone. I was a mess. So she slapped me and the whole
crowd around us, GASPED. It was this long slow cartoon like gasp that filled the air. I never heard the exhale. I just started
shaking.
I was numb. After checking the luggage, I pulled her around the corner and pressed her against the wall.
She tried to slap me again. I told her, "If you ever hit me again, you'll be sorry." What was that? A threat? Geez, that didn't
help anything. I didn't know what to say. I was bewildered. I was lost in my grief. I was losing my girls. My youngest was
clinging to his sisters. He was sucking his thumb and whimpering. I walked with them to the plane and they left. I was waving
and waving and then they were gone.
Did this mean that I abandoned them? I didn't have a choice. I didn't know how to take care of them or me.
I didn't know how to be responsible for everything. Besides that, I was taking Prozac and Halcion. I couldn't sleep and I
felt crazy on that Prozac. When I took the Halcion, I couldn't wake up. It was a miserable existence. I had to move out of
the duplex. I couldn't afford it. I was just like a robotic empty shell of a person. What had happened to me?
Did I abandon my children? I would hate to believe that.
to be continued ... 6/4/08
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Profile of an Abandoner
Abandoners come in every possible
size, shape, shade, age, social form & disposition. Parents, friends, employers & lovers can become abandoners, usually without realizing the pain they cause.
Abandonment recovery is dedicated
to raising public awareness about the pain & trauma of being abandoned & to foster deeper commitment, sensitivity
& responsibility within relationships.
In searching for connections, it's often difficult to tell who is safe
to attach to & who isn't capable of being emotionally responsible - who is worthy of trust & who is an abandoner.
What complicates the picture even more is that one person's abandoner
might be another's permanent partner.
Also, many abandonment
victims, depending on certain conditions, go on to become abandoners themselves.
The circumstances
surrounding relationships are so complex and variable, that it is neither wise nor fair to make moral judgments, point fingers,
or draw generalizations. Most of us can be both abandonees and abandoners - it just depends on the context.
HOWEVER, there are serial abandoners - abandoners who get secondary gain from inflicting emotional
pain on someone who loves them. For them, creating devastation is their way of demonstrating power, power, and sometimes anger.
But even abandoners who are not motivated by power, might
experience a heightened sense of self-importance as an unintentional by-product. As regretful as they may feel about hurting
you, they can't help but go on an ego trip as they witness the intensity of your agonized desire for them.
Although their heads might be slightly swelled, your exes will not admit openly to these feelings of triumph.
This would make them seem like cads. Instead they tend to speak about their more humble feelings, like their regret over having
caused you "disappointment" or "inconvenience" (note the understatements!). They are usually easily distracted from their
guilt and remorse, because they get caught up in their new lives (and new loves) with greater sense of freedom, newness, and
an enlarged ego.
Many abandoners, however, are able to
bypass regret by remaining oblivious to the emotional crisis they have caused. This obliviousness seems callous and self centered
to the one who has been left behind - the one who was thrust into the torment of abandonment.
Ironically, this puts them in a one-up position to you, and you tend to idealize them, making it that much harder
to let go of your abandoners, even when they have treated you badly.
Many
abandoners also attempt to BLAME you for the break up. It's because you were too "needy" or "dependent" or "angry,"
they might say. Meanwhile, if you have become "needy" or "dependent" or "angry" it is not because you ARE these things, but
because you were REACTING to their gradually pulling away. None-the-less, you will beat yourself up for these things anyway.
The reason they blame you is to justify their actions and avoid feeling guilty.
Their agenda is to sustain their positive self- image at all costs - even if it has to be at your expense. So they take as
little responsibility as possible for hurting you. Their denial and blame add insult to injury. As the abandonee, you must
grapple alone with the pieces of a broken relationship, feeling rejected and "kicked while your down" by their blame, criticism,
betrayal, and rejection.
Then you turn the rage over being rejected against yourself,
and you blame yourself, causing your self-esteem to plummet and your spirit to sink into a major depression. In this way,
you abandon yourself.
Soul searching is an inevitable and necessary part of surviving
abandonment. It's a time to take personal responsibility for the extent to which you contributed to the difficulties within
your relationship. It's a painful and humbling process, and if done constructively, leads to deep personal growth. During
the soul-searching, you tend to be even more vulnerable (and gullible) to your abandoner's blame than usual. What you are
looking for is honest, accurate, constructive feedback so that you can learn from this experience. But what you often get
are your abandoners' "blaming excuses" for his/her own commitment problem.
Many abandoners
are love-challenged. They only feel "love" for you when they are pursuing you. But as soon as you become attached to them,
their love feelings subside. They don't realize they're "love-challenged." They convince themselves and everyone else (including
their friends and therapists) that they "just haven't met the right person." Sound familiar? If you're an abandonoholic, you've
most likely been drawn to someone who is love-challenged -and you may have this issue yourself. More about Abandoholism.
Let it be said that
many abandoners don't set out to abandon. They don't hurt-by-intention. Many are just human
beings struggling to find the answers to life's difficult challenges along with everyone else.
None-the-less,
to the extent that abandoners are able to blame, remain oblivious, or stay in denial of
the other person's pain, abandonment recovery reaches out to them to increase their awareness as well. The program
is devoted to the growth and development of all of those who struggle to sustain relationships - - abandoners & abandonees
alike. Journey from Abandonment, the workbook, Journey from Heartbreak, and Black Swan are designed to
enhance this awareness.
Go to Contact us &/or Survey Board to add your own personal impressions of your abandoner to add to our "Profile of an Abandoner."
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