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Expressing Your Feelings
in Relationships
Most experts agree that open
communication contributes to good relationships. However, one of the most awkward things about sharing strong feelings with another person is
getting started.
When you want to express your feelings,
you first need to get the attention of the other person involved. You have to pick a time & place when the other person
really wants to hear your feelings. Then you need an effective way of getting your message across. These factors are especially important when the other person contributed
to the way you feel — as in the case of anger in a relationship.
Guide to Expressing Feelings
There's a distinct difference
between feelings & thoughts. Typically,
Adult Children are unfamiliar
with words that describe feelings. In dysfunctional families
feelings aren't allowed. As children we learned don't talk, don't trust & don't feel, so feeling, trusting & talking become the healing process for us. We allow ACA meetings to come from our feelings
rather than from our control because alcoholism & codependency are diseases of denial & control.
My Feelings
Are Worth My “Attention”
Today I have a choice in how
to deal with my feelings. My emotions are visitors that stay forever unless I talk them out or work them out. Otherwise, I will inevitably act them out. When I
suppress my feelings, they often show up in the form of phobias, compulsions or physical ailments.
Through the day, I'll pay attention
to how my body responds to feelings.(awareness) If my throat is tight, perhaps I'm angry.
If my chest is heavy,
perhaps I'm sad.
My body can give me much information
if I don't disconnect from my physiological responses. If I've alienated myself from my emotions, today is the day I'll welcome them & allow them to pass.
I realize now that my feelings are interrelated; when I can deny my sadness or pain, I can just as easily deny my joy & pleasure. When I unconsciously act out repressed emotions, I become out of touch with my own life.
Today I'll remember that from
my feelings blossoms vulnerability, sensitivity & healing.
Guidelines For Expressing Feelings:
- Expressing feelings begins with “I...”
keeping the focus on me.
- Formula: “I feel ____ (adjective follows:
happy, sad, embarrassed, elated, etc.) about...”
- Feelings are neither right nor wrong, good
nor bad, they just are.
- Saying, “I feel THAT...,” is NOT
expressing a feeling.
- If I can substitute “I think” for “I feel,” then I'm expressing a thought.
Happy
Thrilled, ecstatic,
overjoyed, excited, elated, sensational, exhilarated, fantastic, terrific, euphoric, enthusiastic, delighted, marvelous, great, happy serene, wonderful, up, jovial, glad, contented, satisfied, gratified, pleased.
Caring
Tenderness toward, affection for, devoted to, adoration, loving, cherish, fond of, regard, respectful, admiration, concern for, hold dear, prize, taken with, trust, close to, warm toward, friendly, like, positive toward.
Depressed
Inadequate, dejected,
hopeless, alienated,
depressed, gloomy, dismal, bleak, in despair, empty, barren,
grieved, grief, despair, grim, distressed, upset, downcast, sorrowful, demoralized, discouraged, miserable, pessimistic, tearful,
demoralized, discouraged, miserable, pessimistic, tearful, weepy, rotten, awful, horrible, terrible, blue, lost, melancholy,
unhappy, down, low, bad, blah, disappointed, sad, glum.
INADEQAUATE
Worthless, good for nothing, washed up, powerless, helpless, impotent,
crippled, inferior, emasculated, useless, finished, like a failure, inadequate, whipped, defeated, incompetent, inept, overwhelmed,
ineffective, lacking, deficient, unable, incapable, small, insignificant, unfit, unimportant, incomplete, no good, immobilized,
lacking confidence, unsure of yourself, uncertain, weak, inefficient.
Terrified, frightened, intimidated, horrified, desperate, panicky, terror-stricken, dread, vulnerable, horrified, paralyzed, afraid, scared, fearful, apprehensive, jumpy, shaky, threatened, distrustful, risky, alarmed, butterflies, awkward, defensive, nervous, anxious, unsure, hesitant, timid, shy, worried, uneasy, bashful, embarrassed, ill at ease, doubtful, jittery, on edge, uncomfortable, self-conscious.
Confused
Bewildered, puzzled, baffled, perplexed, trapped, confounded, in a dilemma,
befuddled, in a quandary, full of questions, confused, mixed-up, disorganized, foggy, troubled, adrift, lost, at loose ends,
going around in circles, disconcerted, frustrated, flustered, in a bind, ambivalent, disturbed, helpless, uncertain, unsure,
bothered, uncomfortable, undecided.
HURT
Crushed, destroyed, ruined, degraded, pained, wounded, devastated,
tortured, disgraced, humiliated, anguished, cast off, forsaken, rejected, discarded, hurt, belittled, shot down, abused, depreciated,
criticized, defamed, censured, discredited, disparaged, laughed at, maligned, mistreated, ridiculed, devalued, scorned, mocked,
scoffed at, used, exploited, debased, slammed, slandered, impugned, cheapened, put down, neglected, overlooked, minimized,
let down, unappreciated, taken for granted.
ANGRY
Furious, enraged, seething, outraged, infuriated, burned-up, pissed-off,
fighting mad, violent, indignant, hatred, bitter, galled, vengeful, hateful, vicious, resentful, irritated, hostile, annoyed,
upset with, agitated, mad, aggravated, offended, antagonistic, exasperated, belligerent, mean, spiteful, vindictive, uptight,
disgusted, bugged, turned off, put out, miffed, irked, perturbed, ticked off, teed off, chagrined, cross, dismayed, impatient.
GUILT-SHAME
Sick at heart, unforgivable, humiliated, disgraced, degraded, mortified,
exposed, guilty, remorseful, crummy, to blame, lost face, dishonored, demeaned, regretful, wrong, embarrassed, at fault, in
error, responsible for blew it, goofed, lament.
Lonely
Isolated, abandoned, all alone, forsaken, cut off, lonely, alienated, estranged, remote, alone, apart from others, insulated from others, left out, excluded, lonesome, distant, aloof.
Defenses We Use As Adult Children
or “The Ways We Avoid Our Feelings”
-
Evading, Dodging
- Explaining
- Frowning
- Glaring
- Intellectualizing
- Joking
- Justifying, Moralizing
- Minimizing
- Projecting
- Questioning or Interrogating
- Rationalizing
- Sarcasm
- Shouting, Intimidating
- Silence
- Sparring
- Staring
- Switching
- Theorizing
- Threatening
- Verbalizing, Talking
- Withdrawing
- Agreeing
- Analyzing
- Attacking, Aggression
- Being Smug, Superior or Arrogant
- Blaming, Accusing
- Complying
- Debating, Arguing
- Defiance
- Denying
- Evading, Dodging
- Explaining
- Frowning
- Glaring
- Intellectualizing
- Joking
- Grinning, Smiling, or “Laughing Off” feelings
- Preaching/Lecturing, e.g. saying “You” (what you need to do, etc.), instead
of “I”
- Quibbling, “Yes, but...”
click on the title word "Defenses" to see these Actions in detail.
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For openers, you could say something like:
- “I’d like to talk with you about... Is this a good time?”
- “I’ve got a problem - could I share it with you?”
- “Something’s bothering me. May I talk with you about it?”
- “I need your help on...”
- “I’m really feeling (hurt, scared, angry, sad, worried, excited...”)
Realize that when you share your feelings, many people will want to help you “feel better”
or give you some “advice.” If this is okay with you, fine. If not - if you just want to ventilate - state what
you want: “I really would like you to hear my feelings.
I’m not looking for advice or comfort, just a chance to ventilate; is that okay with you?” If the person
slips into the role of advisor or comforter, just gently remind him or her of what you want: “I’d really like to tell you more about what I’m feeling.”
In other words, you’re probably
going to have to train others to listen to your feelings. Few of us get that kind of education as we’re growing up.
Now that you have the other person’s attention, you’re ready to get on to the important
stuff. The path ahead is fraught with “road hazards” that can interfere with effective communication!
Assume that you want to share your feelings about a behavior that you find bothersome; let’s start with what not to do.
Some ways to express feelings aren't helpful
because they deliberately threaten people. One of the most common of these ineffective approaches is called the “you-message.”
You-messages attack & blame another person for your feelings:
“It’s your fault I’m depressed.”
Such messages set the state
for counterattack. A person on the receiving end of a you-message often gets defensive - he or she doesn’t really hear your feelings.
When you send a you-message, you place the responsibility for your feelings on someone else. It’s as if you were saying,
“If it weren’t
for you, I wouldn’t feel this way.”
While it may be true that the
other person is a stimulus for you to feel a certain way, your feelings are still your choice.
Now on to what to do: I-messages. This is a style that gets your point
across without attacking the other person.
I-messages are responsibility-taking
messages. They don’t attack, blame, ridicule or criticize - they simply share how you feel:
“I feel hurt when you talk to me that way. It seems as if you don’t care.”
“When
I’m pushed, I feel stressed. I can’t meet your time schedule & I think you expect me to.”
I-messages have to do with
letting another know he’s affecting you, whether you feel good or feel as if he’s
stepping on your toes. The person’s behavior may be violating your rights or contributing to your emotional state.
Some people find it easier to form I-messages if they use a formula:
- When... (state the behavior that you find
bothersome) “When we make plans to spend time together & you change your mind at the last minute...”
- I feel... (state how you feel about the
consequences the person’s behavior has for you) “I feel disappointed...”
- Because... (state the consequences of
the person’s behavior for you) “...because I was looking forward to our time together.”
When you send an I-message,
you’re being respectful to the other person as well as yourself. You communicate an intent to stimulate cooperation, not rebellion or compliance.
 Expressing Feelings
Here are "handles" to express
your emotional state.
I THINK vs. I FEEL RULE
If you can substitute "I am"
for "I feel", you've expressed a feeling. If you can substitute "I think" for "I feel", you've expressed a thought or a judgment.
Summary of Emotional Fitness
1. Notice: Ask yourself What
am I feeing right now? Stay with the question a few moments if the answer doesn’t come right away. This is when it is
importance not to give up. Be patient with yourself. Let the feeling be with you slowly.
2. Name: Use a word or words
to name the feeling(s) you have. If you are alone, say the name(s) out loud: I’m really nervous about this exam.
3. Express: How can you externalize
the feeling(s) right now? Use your imagination. Tell someone what you’re feeling. Find some “anxious” music
on the radio, make and unmake a fist, sing, yell, write, sigh, smile. Do you see? It really make no difference what you do!
Do something-anything! –to express the feeling.
From “Nothing’s Wrong:
A Man’s Guide to Managing His Feelings” by David Kundtz.
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Enter secondary content here
feeling words & where you'll find them within the emotional
feelings network of sites!
abused
adequate: not covered as of yet
affectionate - cuddly: not covered as of yet - playful: not
covered as of yet
afraid
aggressive
airy: not covered as of yet
alarmed: not covered as of yet
angry - pissed: not covered as of yet - mad: not covered
as of yet - furious -
annoyed
anxious - worried: not covered as of yet
appealing
apprehensive
assertive
aware
awkward
beaten: not covered as of yet
bellicose: not covered as of yet
belligerent: new!
bewildered
bitter
blah: not covered as of yet
blocked: not covered as of
yet
bored
bothered:
not covered as of yet
breathless: not covered as of yet
bright: not covered as of yet
brilliant: not covered as of yet
bubbly: not covered as of yet
bugged: not covered as of yet
burdened: not covered as of yet
bushed: not covered as of yet
calm
carefree
caring
clumsy: not included as of yet
close
cold: not covered as of yet
comfortable
comforted
committed
compassionate
confident
conflicted
confused
considerate
content
cool: not covered as of yet
cooperative: not included as of yet
courageous
dead-eyed: not covered as of yet
deferential: not covered as of yet
defiant
dependent
depressed
determined
disappointed
discouraged
disgusted
dishonest
dismayed: not covered as of yet
disorganized: not covered as of yet
distant
disturbed
dominant: not covered as of yet
down-in-the-dumps: not covered as of yet
dreamy: not covered as of yet
dull: not covered as of yet
dumb: not covered as of yet
dutiful: not covered as of yet
at ease: not covered as of yet
ebullient: not covered as of yet
edgy: not covered as of yet
elated: not covered as of yet
embarrassed
empathetic
encouraged
energetic: not covered as of yet
enraged: not covered as of yet
enthusiastic
evasive: not covered as of yet
envious
excited - exuberant: not covered as of yet
exhausted: not
covered as of yet
explosive: not covered as of yet
fearful - horrified: not covered as of yet - petrified:
not covered as of yet - terrified - frightened - scared
floating: not covered as of yet
foolish
forgiven
forgiving
frigid: not covered as of yet
frisky: not covered as of yet
frustrated
funny: not covered as of yet - hilarious: not covered
as of yet
generous
giddy: not covered as of yet
glad: not covered as of yet
grateful - thankful: not covered as of yet
greedy: not covered as of yet
grief stricken
groovy: not covered as of yet
grumpy: not covered as of yet
guilty
gutless: not covered as of yet
happy - delighted: not covered as of yet - smiley: not covered
as of yet - ecstatic: not covered as of yet - jolly: not covered as of yet
hateful - contemptuous: not covered as of yet
heavenly: not covered as of yet
helpless
heroic: not covered as of yet
hesitant: not covered as of yet
high: not covered as of yet
honest
hopeful
hopeless
hot: not covered as of yet
humble
humiliated
hurt
icky: not covered as of yet
immature: not covered as of yet
immobilized: not covered as of yet
impatient
important
inadequate
independent
infantile: not covered as of yet
insecure
irritated
itchy: not covered as of yet
inspired
jealous
joyful - overjoyed
lively: not covered as of yet
lonely
lost: not covered as of yet
loved
loving
low: not covered as of yet
magnanimous: not covered as of yet
merry: not covered as of yet
miserable
mixed-up: not covered as of yet
nauseated:
not covered as of yet
open
panicky: not covered as of yet
paralyzed: not covered as of yet
peeved: not covered as of yet
pensive: not covered
as of yet
played-out: not covered as of yet
pooped: not covered as of yet
powerful
powerless
privileged: not covered as of yet
proud
puzzled: not covered as of yet
quiet: not covered as of yet
quivery: not covered as of yet
refreshed: not covered as of yet
rejected
rejuvenated: not covered as of yet
relaxed
relieved
repressed: not covered as of yet
repulsive: not covered
as of yet
resentful
respected
romantic: not covered as of yet
sad
safe
satisfied
seductive: not covered as of yet
seething: not covered as of yet
sexual: not covered as of yet
sharp: not covered as of yet
sorry: not covered as of yet
spineless: not covered as of yet
stagnated:
not covered as of yet
starry-eyed: not covered as of yet
stretched:
not covered as of yet
strong: not covered as of yet
stupid: not covered as of yet
submissive: not covered as of yet
supernatural: not covered as of yet
surprised: not
covered as of yet
sweaty: not covered as of yet
sympathetic
shut-out: not covered as of yet
silly: not covered as of yet
sorrowful: not covered as of yet
sunshiny: not covered as of yet
talkative: not covered as of yet
taut: not covered as of yet
tearful: not covered
as of yet
tender
tense: not covered as of yet
threatened
tickled-to-death: not covered as of yet
timid: not covered as of yet
tired: not covered as of yet
tolerant: not covered as of yet
torrid: not covered as of yet
trapped
trusting
two-faced: not covered as of yet
ugly: not covered as of yet
understanding
uptight: not covered as of yet
used: not covered as of yet
warm: not covered as of yet
warm-hearted: not covered as of yet
weepy: not covered as of yet
whiny: not covered as of yet
wimpy: not covered as of yet
wishy-washy: not covered as of yet
vacant: not covered as of yet
vigorous: not covered as of yet
virile: not covered as of yet zingy: not covered as of yet
uncertain
uncomfortable
unglued: not covered as of yet
uneasy: not covered as of yet
unnatural: not covered as of yet
self-assured: not covered as of yet
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