Blaming: The abuser shifts responsibility for certain actions to others, which allows the abuser to be angry at the other person for "causing" the behavior. i.e.: "If you would stay out of it while I am disciplining the kids, I could do it without hitting them."

Excuse Making: Instead of accepting responsibility for certain actions, the abuser tries to justify their behavior with excuses. i.e.,

• "My parents never loved me." 
• "My parents beat me." 
• "I had a bad day & when I walked in & saw this mess I lost my temper." 
• "I couldn't let him talk to me that way, there was nothing else I could do."

Redefining: The abuser redefines the situation so that the problem lies not with the abuser but with others or the outside world. i.e.: The abuser doesn't come home at 6 p.m. for dinner as prearranged; he or she comes home at 4 a.m. The abuser says,

"You're an awful cook anyway. Why should I come home to eat this stuff? I bet the kids wouldn't even eat it."

Making Fools of Others: The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch his reactions & provoking a fight between or among others. She may try to charm the person she wants to manipulate, pretending a great deal of interest in & concern for that person in order to get on his good side.

Assuming: Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they "know" what the other person would think or do in a given situation. i.e.:

"I knew you'd be mad because I went out for a drink after work, so I figured I might as well stay out & enjoy myself."

Emotional Dependence: Abusive individuals are usually very emotionally dependent on their spouse. The result of their inner rage at being dependent means that the abuser acts in controlling ways to exert power & to deny their own weakness.

One major symptom is strong jealousy & possessive actions, normally sexual in nature. The abuser will spend a great deal of time monitoring their spouses activities. The abuser lacks supportive relationships. Another sign of dependence is the effect of what happens when the abused person leaves the home because of the abuse. It's common for the abuser to make extraordinary attempts to persuade them to return.

Lying: The abuser manipulates by lying to control information. The abuser may also use lying to keep other people, including the victim, off-balance psychologically. i.e.: The abuser tries to appear truthful when actually lying, or tries to look deceitful when actually telling the truth.

Rigid Application of Traditional Sex Attitudes: Abusive spouses tend to have more inflexible beliefs about roles & functions of their spouses in the marriage. The wife may expect the husband to over fulfill all the financial needs & household / parenting chores.

Drama & Excitement: Abusive people have trouble experiencing close, satisfying relationships. They substitute drama & excitement for closeness. Abusive people find it exciting to watch others become angry, get into fights, or fall into a general uproar. Often, they'll use a combination of tactics to set up an exciting situation.

Closed Channel: The abusive person doesn't tell much about personal details & real feelings. The abuser isn't open to new information about herself either, such as someone else's thoughts about them personally. The abuser is secretive, close-minded & self-righteous. Abusers believe they are right in all situations.

Ownership: The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, the abuser believes that anything that is wanted should be owned & that the abuser can do as wanted with anything that is hers. The same attitude applies to people. It justifies controlling others' behavior, physically hurting them & taking things that belong to them.

Poor Anger Management: Individuals who've experienced a violent & abusive childhood are more likely to grow up & become spouse abusers. A person who sees violence as the primary method for settling differences as a child isn't going to have very many alternate ways available to channel anger. A person without an everyday outlet for anger risks exploding toward the people closest to them.

Minimizing: The abuser ducks responsibility for abusive actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. i.e.:

• "I didn't hit you that hard."
• "I only hit one of the kids. I could have done them all."

Fragmentation: The abuser usually keeps the abusive behavior separate from the rest of her life. The separation is physical; i.e., the abuser will beat up family members but not people outside the home. The separation is also psychological; i.e., it isn't uncommon for an abuser to attend church Sunday morning & beat the victim Sunday night.

The abuser sees no inconsistency in this behavior & feels justified in it.

Above the Rules: As mentioned earlier, abusers generally believe they're better than other people & so don't have to follow the rules that ordinary people do.

That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate usually believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, she is not.

An abuser shows above-the-rules thinking in saying,

• "I don't need counseling. Nobody knows as much about my life as I do. I can handle my life without help from anybody.

Self-glorification: The abuser usually thinks of herself as strong, superior, independent & self-sufficient. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit this glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.

Inability to express feelings with words: This type of person is rarely capable of true intimacy & may feel very threatened by the prospect of being open & vulnerable. Particularly when frustrated, the abusive person expects instant gratification from their spouse who is expected to "read" their mind & "know" what their mate wants.

When the mate doesn't know what's expected the wife may interpret this as meaning they don't really love them. Therefore with an abusive individual, rejection = violence.

Vagueness: Thinking & speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility. Example:

"I'm late because I had to do something on the way home."

They're frequently characterized as lacking in assertive communication skills & appearing alternatively passive or aggressive in nature. They're more inclined to resolve problems & emotions through violence, as the male sex role stereotype would suggest. This tendency tends to add to the stress many batterers create for themselves & their families.

Batterers have higher levels of hostility than non-batterers. Their range of emotions tend to be reduced to anger, which in-turn is expressed primarily thru violent behavior similar to the same behavior sanctioned by various macho-male subcultures. Emotional tensions are typically suppressed until they finally "explode."

Despite the bravado that many batterers display, they characteristically suffer from lower self-esteem than non-batterers. They often feel that they haven't lived up to the feminine sex role stereotype & consequently overcompensate with hyper-feminine behavior. They become emotionally dependent on their partners & consequently become threatened by the possibility of their departure. This is often evident in excessive jealousy & possessiveness.

Batterers have a higher incidence of alcohol & drug abuse. The alcohol acts as a uninhibitor, intensifying abusive incidents, but it doesn't "cause" the abuse. Many batterers are abusive with or without alcohol & continue their violence even after "drying out."

Some experts consider alcohol & drug abuse to act as a sedative for the emotional distress most batterers bear in response to their abusive childhood, sense of inadequacy & poor communication skills.

The majority of female batterers have experienced or witnessed childhood violence that has left them with low self-esteem, poor role models & sometimes traumatized. Very much like the alcoholic, abusers deny there's a problem & refuse to accept responsibility for their abusive behaviour. She blames everyone else for making her angry, thereby excusing her actions.

 "In violence we forget who we are."