Liberated from Faultfinding

For the glory of God & the encouragement of others I wish to testify against the evil of faultfinding. Soon after the beginning of my Christian experience, about 12 years ago, I was severely harassed by this adversary of my soul. So cunningly were my eyes blinded to my real condition that I was almost overwhelmed at times thru the workings of this dangerous influence.

At times I'd be almost free from it, but very much of the time I seemed to have a peculiar faculty of finding the mote in the eyes of others & was never aware of the beam in my own eye. I could see so much to pick at in some brethren that there was no time left for me to step aside & occasionally take myself into account & see myself as others saw me.

I thought I could conduct some affairs over which others had charge, so much better than they were being conducted, that I was at times uncomfortable because I didn't have a chance to show what I could do. It's needless to say that during the time that I was a prey to this wicked spirit, I had little, if any, spiritual life; but I tried to convince myself that I was doing quite well.

There was, however, a blank or a real lack in my Christian life, because I hadn't learned to be an ideal Christian in humility before God & meekness towards my fellow men.

As soon as I passed thru enough sad experiences to make me the happy possessor of a willing spirit, I began to realize that I was learning the necessary lessons & thru these trials & tribulations I began to have a little understanding of the cause & root of my trouble.

There were 3 happenings that aided in awakening me to my need.

The 1st one was a few years ago, when I received from a brother a letter in which he said,

“Brother, you need continuity.”

That reproof found its place in my heart & the first seed was sown toward a harvest of willingness. Although it brought no immediate results, yet it stayed by me & was very prominent before me many times.

con·ti·nu·i·ty: noun, plural -ties.

Synonym: flow - progression

The 2nd lesson was brought to me thru a sermon. The sister who delivered the sermon related the experience of a brother who had years of difficulty in regard to finding fault with others & who finally concluded that the trouble was more with him than with those he criticized.

I began to see my own case a little clearer, but I didn't fully learn the lesson until sometime later.

My 3rd lesson came in the following manner. A brother in whom I had some confidence came to my home & asked for a position, which I secured for him. We admitted him into our home for his comfort as well as for our pleasure spiritually, as we supposed he would be a help to us.

It wasn't long, however, until it seemed there was nothing that escaped his faultfinding. He saw mountains of fault with us & our children. At last I saw in his case a picture of what I myself had done during the past, but I had banished from my life all thoughts of ever again being influenced by such a faultfinding spirit.

Never before had I been able to see the picture of my former condition as I saw it when fully manifested in the life of this brother.

Although it had been my desire & no doubt his full intention to do what was right, nevertheless this evil habit, if I may call it such, had gained such a foothold in my life & in his life as to be a hindrance to our own spiritual progress & a stumblingblock in the way of others.

This habit of faultfinding by those who are claiming to be children of God has caused them to wander from the true paths of righteousness into forbidden paths & also to turn many others from the path that leads to everlasting life.

It's with much gratitude to God that I undertake to tell of my deliverance from that great barrier & hindrance to my spiritual progress. When I came to the point where I humbled my heart before the Lord & let Him turn the searchlight upon me, the faults in others weren't so great, but mine had seemed to climb mountain high.

It was with a determination & positive decision to turn from such things & the Lord, understanding my intentions in regard to those things, took note of my humility of heart & delivered me, for which I give Him all the praise & glory.

May the dear Lord help us all to bear with each other & forbear complaining, even though it may at times seem necessary. I'm sure it will bring about a great measure of the grace of God.

Beyond blame & faultfinding

50 years ago, Thomas Merton wrote, "Instead of hating people you think are war-makers, hate the appetites & disorder in your own soul, which are the causes of war.

If you love peace, then hate injustice, hate tyranny, hate greed - but hate these things in yourself, not in another. To put it a little differently, it's a good idea to take the stick out of one's own eye before trying to remove the speck out of another's."

For most of us, it's a habit to see fault in others & to be blind to the same or similar faults in ourselves. When this happens between couples it usually leads to trouble.

Jerry & Lisa (names & circumstances have been changed) came seeking help with their relationship. They were always arguing. Both were depressed by their situation & were on the point of giving up on their marriage.

Sitting at opposite ends of a sofa. Lisa started:

their relationship was falling apart…there was no spark between them…Jerry no longer paid attention to her…he showed no affection & was always going out with his friends drinking.

Jerry jumped in at this point saying the reason he didn't pay attention was that since the birth of Liam, their first child, Lisa had no time for him…she was only interested in the baby…he went out with his friends because she was "boring".

By this time tempers were running high. Lisa & Jerry had shown us in a few minutes what was at the heart of their difficulties - they were into blame & fault-finding.

Lisa blamed Jerry for starting their problem by withdrawing from her & then spending most of his time with his mates. Jerry saw it as all Lisa's fault by shutting him out of her life.

Can see how the pieces fitted together? From Jerry's point of view, his going out made sense in the light of his feeling rejected by Lisa & her focus on Liam made sense in the light of Jerry spending little time with her & instead, going out with his mates.

Both Jerry & Lisa's behaviour was a response to an action that preceded it, while at the same time acting as a trigger for the behavior that followed it.

Who was at fault was the ultimate chicken-&-egg problem. In any case, deciding who to blame was never going to help generate a practical solution, because the real question was how to help Lisa & Jerry break their pattern before it broke their the relationship.

1st, we discussed the disadvantages of this fault / blame pattern. It wasn't helping because it put a solution beyond their control - both were sitting around waiting for the other to change.

We mentioned it only needed one of them to change for the pattern to be changed - even a small change by one partner could generate bigger changes & turn things around dramatically.

2nd, we talked about how families undergo developmental changes in much the same way as individuals. The birth of a child, starting school, the last child leaving home, losing a job, aging parents, death of a loved one - are all events (changes) that challenge even the strongest relationships.

Lisa & Jerry's problems started with the birth of their child. They hadn't anticipated the ways in which Liam would affect their relationship. Research has revealed that for some couples, marital satisfaction can go down following the birth of a child.

When Jerry & Lisa accepted that many of their difficulties were connected with the birth of their much-loved child, they were able to view their troubled relationship in a more positive light. It enabled them to remove themselves from the cycle of blame.

We also talked about the meaning of "responsibility" as "response-able - able to choose one's response. Neither had to respond to each other in the way they did - each had the ability to respond differently - to put a stop to the cycle of fault & blame.

The trick was for each of them to think differently, to ask themselves: what can I do, rather than what s/he should do. This is the opposite of waiting around for the other to change. It's being proactive rather than reactive.

At SWIFT we've noticed that if one partner offers a conciliatory gesture, the other notices, reciprocates & a new constructive pattern of interaction can begin to emerge.

We suggested an experiment. Each would identify as honestly as they were able, how they, personally, had contributed to the impasse. Then, put what they found in the form of a brief letter addressed to the other. They could exchange letters or read them out later in the session. They opted to read them out & agreed to allow each other to ask clarifying questions after the reading.

In separate rooms they thought & wrote. After about 10 minutes we all came back together. Lisa volunteered to read her letter first.

She acknowledged her focus on their baby…that she had found it difficult to care much about how she looked…she knew that Jerry had been attracted to her because of her looks & because she always looked smart when they went out together…she could see why Jerry was angry.

At this point Lisa began to cry. A bit embarrassed, Jerry reached over & held her hand as she wiped away the tears.

Jerry didn't want to ask Lisa any questions, but went on to read his letter to her. Yes, he didn't do much around the house & left Liam to her…he didn't really mean it when he said that she was "boring," & he was sorry for that…leaving Lisa so much on her own was one of the main ways he was making things worse.

We asked them to consider one step that each could take to move things in the right direction. Lisa thought for a minute & said she would start taking better care of herself & be ready to go out with Jerry once a week

Jerry thought he could try to get home earlier on a couple of nights a week & take some of the strain off Lisa with Liam & they could plan to go out together one evening or so a week.

They left to put their plans into action. Before long their relationship had improved. Though there were ups & downs, they learnt over time to discuss their difficulties without falling into a blame / fault-pattern.

In 2 weeks time we'll be looking at how you can change your relationship even if your partner doesn't seem interested.

This article, written by swift counsellors, was recently published in the Swindon Evening Advertiser. Go to the Library to see others in this series.

How To Criticize & Still Be Nice - By Michael Lee

Have you ever encountered an experience when someone told you how fat you've become? Maybe your boss have commented on how bad your work turned out to be. Maybe you've heard from other folks how people view you as cold and unapproachable.

Hurts, doesn't it?

Believe it or not, some people can be so tactless that they are not even aware when they've hurt anyone's feelings. The receiving parties, especially the sensitive ones, would be offended by their remarks. This would result in conflicts and arguments.

You know you're doing them a big favor by saving them from shame or disappointment, but would they realize your good intentions instead of feeling hurt by your brutally frank comments or advices?

They might probably think you're too rude or impolite. But what can you do if you really need to assert an honest criticism, but you're afraid of hurting others' feelings?

Want to know the secret?

All you have to do is sandwich your negative comment between two positive remarks.

For example, your best friend Paul is going on his very first date. He's all excited and raring to go. Now Paul doesn't have any fashion sense. He's wearing a bland shirt and old jeans. You know all along how he hates to admit that he's wrong. So what will you do to save Paul from an embarassing first date?

Would you say to him that the outfit he's wearing is repulsive? That would hurt his ego.

Well, you can first point out the things that you like in his overall appearance. Comment on his well-groomed hair. Tell him he looks cool when wearing his sunglasses. Ask him where he bought his perfume because it can certainly attract women like bees to honey. Be sincere and honest.

Then, insert in a nice and suave manner your point of view and advice. You can tell him something like:

"Your shirt seems to be very comfortable to wear, Paul. Since this is your very first date, I think Sandra (his date) will be much more impressed if you would wear something like the outfit that you wore on my birthday. You look smashing when you put on clothes like that."

Afterwards, make another positive statement. You could say something like:

"You would definitely make a big impact on Sandra. She would fall heads over heels over your gorgeous appearance and cheerful personality. Have a great time on your date, Paul."

Do you think Paul would be offended by such pleasant comments? Not a chance. You have wittingly inserted a slightly negative feedback into a plethora of acceptable and ego-boosting remarks.

People love compliments. They believe they got the qualities. They want other people to intensify the great abilities that they believe to possess. People wanted to hear their greatness purported from someone else's mouth, and they would be very glad if other individuals would know about it.

So if you want to criticize anybody, remember to praise him first. It will leave a positive impression that you're a nice guy. Then say what you have to say, but in a smooth and non-offensive manner. Finalize with another positive reinforcement to establish a foundation of goodwill.

I Thought I Was Right - By Debbie Fletcher

Have you ever known 100% without a doubt that you were right only to be “inflicted” with a different outcome that left you dumbfounded? Or maybe you are still holding on to the “I AM RIGHT” theory, believing your way will come to fruition soon.

Expecting specific outcomes in our day to day life can drain us of vital energy. The conflicts our expectations can create can lead to poor health and “underdeveloped” relationships – (with this side and the other side.) This is not to say that we will never know when we are “right” about the events in our life. It’s about learning to know when our ego is talking instead of our intuition. Learning the difference and surrendering to intuition will add a dimension of trust, peace and acceptance regardless of who is right.

Anticipating vs. Expecting

The concept of anticipating vs. expecting can be a simple shift in understanding that will help make a world of difference in recognizing when your ego is guiding you instead of your intuition. Anticipating puts an optimistic spin on the things we do. Imagine taking every thought you have, generating a desire and surrendering it to whatever outcome. Practicing the art of anticipating instead of expecting can help you surrender the outcome completely.

Here is a short visualization that can help you to “check your expectations at the door” with practice, practice, practice.

"Visualize yourself sitting on a park bench under a flowering shade tree. You notice a beautiful butterfly fluttering around you. There are actually several butterflies all around you. Before you know it one of the butterflies comes to rest on the bridge of your nose directly between your eyes. As you feel the tickle of his feet on your nose you greet him with, “Well, hello there.” You hear him whisper; “I am here to take your desires to places unknown. Please give me all your thoughts and desires about _______, and trust me as I travel with them carefree to a harmonious destination.” Within seconds the butterfly lifts up off your nose and begins to flutter about again. He is happy. He is light. He is touched joyfully by the breeze that carries him away. You continue to watch and notice all the butterflies and their dance of joy. You are at peace with wherever the butterfly may go because you recognize the power in letting go."


The more we allow ourselves to relax about the outcome of our day to day activities the more connected we become with our center, thus creating a balance within ourselves and opening doors to better communication with loved ones, co-workers, and our Spirit Guides on the other side.

Make it a sweet day,
Debbie Fletcher