Mental illness is a coping mechanism

By Laurie Ahern

Mental illness is a coping mechanism. We know for sure that victims of horrendous childhood sexual abuse, most often by a family member from whom they can't escape, use such coping mechanisms as dissociation (going away in your mind) when they cannot escape physically from the torture. And further down that continuum is multiple personality and amnesia.

These are all ingenious and remarkable ways that children learn to survive situations that are intolerable. And many people-without the label of mental illness-use coping mechanisms to survive the stress of everyday life. We use alcohol, drugs, sex, work, exercise, shopping, smoking, eating, gambling-some to excess and some, just enough to take the edge off-but we do use them. In moderation these coping mechanisms are considered socially acceptable; however, going "manic" or becoming "psychotic" is not.

After three years of listening to people call the 800 line at the National Empowerment Center, I must say I have drawn some very strong conclusions. First and foremost, the one thing that is clear to me is that no one calling the National Empowerment Center comes from the "Beaver Cleaver" family.

Be it parents, consumers/survivors, siblings, lovers, spouses, or friends, there is always some trauma involved when the story is told: poverty, death of a parent at an early age, abandonment, divorce, incest, alcoholism, drug addiction, neglect, etc. And then the story continues the same. Some time later on in life, always a stressful time in life-off to college, wrestling with sexuality in the teen years, the birth of a child, the death of a parent, a divorce or broken love relationship-it happens.

Mania, psychosis, panic attacks, depression, obsessive-compulsive behavior, agoraphobia-these all of a sudden appear in those who have never known such things. Why? Well think about it logically. Trauma may not cause mental illness, but we all have our breaking points. And I think those of us who are not lucky enough or able to find a socially acceptable way of handling our stress, a way that does not too drastically interfere with our day-to-day lives, may end up becoming manic or going psychotic.

What better way to leave behind a reality that is too cumulatively painful than to create one of our own...as in psychosis? What better way to feel like we can accomplish and do anything when we are feeling insecure and overwhelmed than becoming manic...where we can do anything and everything? And what better coping mechanism can we find than to wash our hands fifty times a day when we are feeling so unsafe? And if the world has been a cruel and unforgiving place, where but in the safety of your own bedroom, as in agoraphobia, could there be a safer place to be?

Some would say that mental illness runs in families-that it is genetic. When I was growing up, alcohol was the way in which my Irish Catholic family coped. I watched it all my life. So when I ran into trouble in my early twenties, alcohol was the way in which I self-medicated and tried hard to make the pain go away.

My girlfriend down the street grew up in an Italian Catholic family. Food was the drug of choice in her home. Whenever anything emotional happened - a death, a birth, a wedding - food was what was used to stuff the feeling. So when my friend's husband left her with two small babies when she was 18, she started eating and did not stop until she had gained 50 pounds. And the same is true with so-called mental illness. If you grow up with depression, suicide, mania and psychosis as role models for coping mechanisms, the more likely you may use these as ways to cope when the need arises.

It is not a coincidence that most of the staff at the NEC are trauma survivors-later to be diagnosed with mental illness. But it is also not a coincidence that we have all recovered. We share common ideals and principles that have allowed us to find new coping mechanisms that work in our lives. Drugs, in and of themselves, were not the answer. Electroshock was not the answer. The answer was making it safe for us to come back, and finding a new way to cope with the stress when we did return. You know, if you had a nervous stomach and you went to your doctor, he or she might give you Maalox and Tagamet and tell you to reduce the stress in your life. Well, you could take all the medicine, but if you went home to the car that would not start, the dog who just died, the lover who is cheating on you and the job you hate, you can be pretty sure that your stomach would kick up again-no matter what you take-until you find a new way to cope and deal with the stress in your life.

Mental illness is a coping mechanism, not a disease. And those who know this know that drugs will only fend off the pain for so long and then it comes back again. And it seems to me, the difference between those who recover and those who go on to become chronic, lifelong mental patients are those who are aware of this, those of us who know that a second, third or fourth drug added to our repertoire will not ease the pain. In fact it only increases the pain-when we feel hopeless and helpless. Create a safe space. Find a new way to cope. And I believe you too can recover from your so-called mental illness.

source site: click here

a personal note: I had to include this article because some people BELIEVE things like this. It's just too bad that they refer to mental illness as a coping mechanism or "so called mental illness. Mental illness is a very real medical illness. Keep it in mind that it is because of people who believe this stuff (above) that we need coping mechanisms!

kathleen

Sleep more soundly! (cont. from above)

Sleep is absolutely essential to improve and maintain energy levels, immune system effectiveness, mental and emotional clarity and overall quality of life. When you feel good, you function better.

The following tips may prove very useful if you need to sleep better!

Coping with anything is easier when you're well rested. Unfortunately, problems often cause us to sleep poorly.

• Decrease mental activity in the evening.

• Make preparations for the next day.

• Take a hot bath before bedtime to help relieve stress.

• Soothing fragrances, lights and music may help as well.

• Limit activities in bed to sleep and sex only - no reading
  or television watching.

• If you have trouble sleeping, try sleeping in another area
  of the house.

• Try listening to repetitive soothing natural sounds (waves, wind, waterfall, stream, etc.) from a selected high quality sound device.

• Natural homeopathic, nutritional and herbal support may prove useful (e.g. calcium, melatonin, passionflower or valerian before bed).

• Turn off all the lights.

This last item is particularly important, as melatonin (key hormone involved in sleep/repair cycles) production may be inhibited if you sleep with the lights on.

Develop your positive attitude!

Here are some ways to help you develop a more positive attitude and better manage the stressors in your life:

• Listen to internal dialogue. Divide one or more sheets of paper into 2 columns and for a few days, jot down in the left column all the negative thoughts that come into your head.

Rewrite each thought in a positive way in the 2nd column. Practice doing this in your mind until it becomes a habit. (i.e., “I’ll never get this finished by the end of the day!” could become, “I will probably get most of this finished by the end of the day.”)

• Learn to communicate. Not saying the things we feel can lead to a sense of frustration, hurt, anger or anxiety.

If you find communicating difficult, or are afraid of arguments or bruised feelings, take a course in communicating effectively.

• Get back to basics. Reconnect with old friends, take the dog for a walk, visit an art gallery or listen to your favorite music. Enjoy a long, relaxing bath, read a great book, tell your child a story, or ask an older relative to tell you one! It's the simplest things in life that give us the most pleasure…

• Help someone out. The simple act of helping others helps us to feel good. Pick up groceries for an aging neighbor, volunteer at your local hospital or read a book to someone with failing eyesight. If you're unsure of how to help out in your community, call your nearest volunteer centre.

• Find your spirituality. Research has shown that those who have developed their spirituality through associating with other spiritual individuals or having their own personal and unique beliefs, live longer, more satisfying lives. The secret is practicing those beliefs, either thru organized spiritual associations, or simple meditation in a quiet place.

• Allow yourself to be loved. The ability to love and be loved is the most basic human trait. We, as a society, have become disconnected from this most basic need - fear-centered emotions (depression, loneliness, guilt & anger) are the symptoms.

Finding ways to reconnect with others is extremely helpful in developing a positive attitude. The following link is very enlightening. The Web of Love - Reconnecting with Source www.WebofLove.org

• Allow yourself to laugh and find humor in the simplest of things. Laughter is a powerful mood elevator. If you're feeling down, read some jokes, watch a funny movie or just act "silly" once in awhile. At times, it's a good thing to let yourself see the world through a child's eyes. Click here for examples of silly things that help diffuse stress.

• Participate in new physical and mental activities to improve confidence levels and coping mechanisms. It could be as easy as learning the meanings of new words or learning about new topics to build confidence.

• Follow the principles of holistic health (better nutrition & exercise help improve mood and attitude)

• Remember that the mainstream media focuses on information that leads to fear, negative thoughts and emotion. Find other more positive things to do with your precious moments such as reading a great positive book, a walk in nature or volunteering with people and animals.

• It's all about letting go of the "emotional baggage" that holds us back from true enlightenment! All that you require is already within you, so don't give your power away by blindly following others. Rather, trust in the goodness that already resides within your heart.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart.
Who looks outside, dreams.
Who looks inside, awakens.

Carl Jung

Decide to Have a Positive Day!

Our inner critic is the internal voice of negative judgmental self talk. It's the nagging feeling, the inner voice that makes us critical of ourselves and others. It's postulated that our inner critic developed early in life as a mechanism for reminding us of childhood rules and standards that we internalized about how we were supposed to think, feel and behave.

We learn to be critical of ourselves as we learn to march to the drummer of others wants and needs, we learn to be critical of others when they don't conform to what we want or expect.

The inner critic speaks loudly in judgment of ourselves and other people. It's a voice that yearns to castigate. It's the voice of enslavement to our egos and to the wants of others.

Sometimes our inner critic will leave us with feelings of self doubt; sometimes it will allow us to feel negative and critical of others. When we listen to our inner critic, we listen to negativity that separates us from our best self and also from others.

Our best personal and professional selves come from a place of self love and acceptance. When we can truly love and accept ourselves we can also see those in our world as collaborators on our path of personal learning. Love is a path which brings us closer to the seed of creation and to a place where we can grow, learn and to share joy with others.

We're all partners on a human journey and the greatest challenge in our roadmap to personal and professional success is to cleave to our humanity, to the values of sharing and caring that make us brothers and sisters on the road of life.

Take a day this week to stomp out the voice of your inner critic; to free yourself from self imposed negativity and judgment.

Silence all criticism and negativity for 24 hours. Concentrate only on the good in yourself and in others that you meet and interact with. Give the inner critic a day off and in so doing spend a day with your highest, greatest and best self.

By Irene Segal
JUST COACH IT http://justcoachit.com/

Key Examples of Positive Affirmation (self-talk) to Help You:

• I will think of myself as successful!

• I will have positive expectations for everything I do!

• I will remind myself of past successes!

• I will not dwell on failures, I just will not repeat them!

• I will surround myself with positive people and ideas!

• I will keep trying until I achieve the results I want!

Books to Read:

• The Art of Happiness - Dalai Lama
  www.amazon.com

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to sit down with the Dalai Lama and really press him about life's persistent questions?

Why are so many people unhappy?

How can I abjure loneliness?

How can we reduce conflict?

Is romantic love true love?

Why do we suffer?

How should we deal with unfairness and anger?

How do you handle the death of a loved one? read more...

Quotes about Attitude:

• For positive quotes click here

Coping mechanisms can be positive or negative.

Other factors affect mental health.

Work stress is highest among employed teens and declines with age, reaching its lowest level among employed seniors (Federal, Provincial & Territorial Advisory Committee on Population Health, 1996, p. 314).

Changes in family structure cause stress.

Death and family break-up can also be sources of stress for children. Data from the NLSCY reveal that, based on parents’ reports, roughly 33% of the children under age 12 had experienced “great unhappiness.” (children 101 has more information concerning death and divorce - click here)

The most common causes, regardless of the age or sex of the child, were:

• death in the family (27%) 
• parents’ divorce or separation (25%) (CCSD, 1997, p. 38).

Males and females are different.

There's evidence that males and females experience stress differently during adolescence. Adolescent females are less likely to feel good about themselves and more likely to perceive their lives as stressful than adolescent males (CICH, 1994, p. 96).

From 1970 to 1992, there was a steady & significant increase in the suicide rate for 15 to 19 year-olds, from a low of 7 per 100,000 population to a peak of 14 per 100,000 in 1983.

The rate of 13 per 100,000 in 1992 was almost twice that of 1970.

Youth between the ages of 20 & 24 have a higher rate of suicide than 15 to 19 year-olds, but they haven't experienced the same increases as the younger cohort.

The rate for the former group has remained at 18 per 100,000 since 1989 (Federal, Provincial & Territorial Advisory Committee on Population Health, 1996, p. 328).

There are limited data on the incidence of suicide among younger children. Suicides among children aged 0 to 9 are rarely recorded.

For males aged 10 to 14, the rate rose from 0.6 to 2.6 per 100,000 between 1960 & 1992; for females, the increase was much less significant, rising from 0.1 to just 0.8 during the same period (Health Canada, 1994).

Rates for attempted suicide vary greatly. It has been estimated that for every suicide there are between 10 & 100 attempted suicides (Dyck, Mishara & White, 1998, p. 311).

More teenage males than females die from suicide attempts.

While young women are more likely to attempt suicide,  young men are much more likely than women to complete a suicide attempt (CICH, 1994, pp. 75, 89).

The leading cause of hospitalization for females 15 to 19 years old is suicide attempts - in 1989 - 90, their rate of hospitalization was more than twice that of males the same age (295 per 100,000 compared with 127 per 100,000) (CICH, 1994, p. 93).

Suicide rates are higher among Aboriginal youth. Aboriginal youth are at a higher risk of suicide than are young people in the general population. The suicide rate for Status Indians (aged 0 to 19) is almost 5 times higher than the national average (Health Canada, 1997, p. 55).

13 Things Not to Share with Your Co-workers   By Rachel Zupek, CareerBuilder.com writer

Coping Confidently with Change

Coping With Your Abuser - By Sam Vaknin

How to cope with your abuser?

Sometimes it looks hopeless. Abusers are ruthless, immoral, sadistic, calculated, cunning, persuasive, deceitful - in short, they appear to be invincible. They easily sway the system in their favor.

Here's a list of escalating countermeasures. They represent the distilled experience of thousands of victims of abuse. They may help you cope with abuse and overcome it.

Not included are legal or medical steps. Consult an attorney, an accountant, a therapist, or a psychiatrist, where appropriate.

First, you must decide:

Do you want to stay with him - or terminate the relationship?

1. I want to Stay with Him

5 DON'T DO'S - How to Avoid the Wrath of the Narcissist

• Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him
• Never offer him any intimacy
• Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (i.e.: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on)
• Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity
• Don't make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence.

The 10 DO'S - How to Make your Narcissist Dependent on You If you INSIST on Staying with Him

Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with it all. Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.

Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they can't obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future sources of primary Narcissistic Supply for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you.

Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally and keeping the peace.

Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it's a take it or leave it proposition.

Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive.

Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with the air of boredom and:

"I'll talk to you later, when I am good and ready and when you're behaving in a more reasonable fashion".

Treat your narcissist as you would a child.

If your narcissist is cerebral and not interested in having much sex - then give yourself ample permission to have "hidden" sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.

If your narcissist is somatic and you don't mind, join in on group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. If you do mind - leave him. Somatic narcissists are sex addicts and incurably unfaithful.

If you're a "fixer", then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations". Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can fix the narcissist - it simply will not happen.

If there's any fixing that can be done, it's to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It's like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them.

Finally and most important of all: Know Yourself.

What are you getting from the relationship?

Are you actually a masochist? A codependent?

Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?

Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you're receiving in this relationship.

Define the things that you find harmful to you. Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself. Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are.

You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviors that affect you - but this can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship. 

Insist on Your Boundaries - Resist Abuse

Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences and priorities.

Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behavior.

If you're up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

Never show your abuser that you're afraid of him. Don't negotiate with bullies. They're insatiable. Don't succumb to blackmail.

If things get rough - disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

Don't keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.

Never give him a 2nd chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.

Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.

Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities and red lines.

Don't behave inconsistently. Don't go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.

Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.

Be vigilant and doubting. Don't be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.

Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they're being abused, misused and plain used by the abuser.

Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfect abuse.

Mirror His Behavior

Mirror the narcissist’s actions and repeat his words.

If, i.e., he's having a rage attack – rage back. If he threatens – threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house – leave it as well, disappear on him. If he's suspicious – act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level.

Frighten Him

Identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows at them.

If a narcissist has a secret or something he wishes to conceal – use your knowledge of it to threaten him. Drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. Do it cleverly, noncommittally, gradually, in an escalating manner.

Let his imagination do the rest. You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events.

Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way – they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offenses.

Lure Him

Offer him continued Narcissistic Supply. You can make a narcissist do anything by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).

Play on his Fear of Abandonment

If nothing else works, explicitly threaten to abandon him.

You can condition the threat ("If you don't do something or if you do it – I will desert you").

The narcissists perceives the following as threats of abandonment, even if they're not meant as such:

Confrontation, fundamental disagreement and protracted criticism when completely ignored. When you insist on respect for your boundaries, needs, emotions, choices, preferences When you retaliate (i.e., shout back at him).

I can't Take It Any Longer - I've Decided to Leave Him

Fight Him in Court

Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating, especially in a court of law, i.e., during a deposition:

• Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated perception of his grandiose self.
• Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the narcissist fantasizes that he possesses
• Any hint that he's subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party
• Any description of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others
• Any hint that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim.

The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing.

The narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his entitlement.

Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist isn't special at all, that he's average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissist.

Tell the narcissist:

• that he doesn't deserve the best treatment
• that his needs aren't everyone's priority
• that he's boring
• that his needs can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist)
• that he and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged
• that he'll do what he's told
• that his temper tantrums will not be tolerated
• that no special concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self
• that he's subject to court procedures, etc. -

and the narcissist will lose control.

Contradict, expose, humiliate and berate the narcissist:

• "You aren't as intelligent as you think you are"
• "Who is really behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to have"
• "So, you have no formal education"
• "you are (mistake his age, make him much older)
• ... sorry, you are ... old"
• "What did you do in your life? Did you study? Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a business? Would you define yourself as a success?"
• "Would your children share your view that you are a good father?"
• "You were last seen with a Ms. ... who is (suppressed grin) a cleaning lady (in demeaning disbelief)".

Be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information. 

Healing is guaranteed if only the victim were willing to participate in a treatment plan and communicate with the abuser. So goes the orthodoxy.

Refusal to do so - in other words, refusal to risk further abuse - is harshly judged by the therapist. The victim is labeled uncooperative, resistant, or even abusive!

The key is, therefore:

• feigned acquiescence and collaboration with the therapist's scheme
• acceptance of his/her interpretation of the events
• the use of key phrases such as:
  • "I wish to communicate/work with (the abuser)"
  • "trauma"
  • "relationship"
  • "healing process"
  • "inner child"
  • "the good of the children"
  • "the importance of fathering"
  • "significant other"

and other psycho-babble. Learn the jargon, use it intelligently and you're bound to win the therapist's sympathy.

Above all - don't be assertive, or aggressive and don't overtly criticize the therapist or disagree with him/her.

I make the therapist sound like yet another potential abuser - because in many cases, he/she becomes one as they inadvertently collude with the abuser, invalidate the abuse experiences and pathologize the victim.

Refuse All Contact

Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counselors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.

Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You'll only turn the system against you and your interests.

But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts - decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist.

Don't respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages.

Return all gifts he sends you.

Refuse him entry to your premises. Don't even respond to the intercom.

Don't talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you're determined not to talk to him.

Don't answer his letters.

Don't visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.

Don't respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through 3rd parties.

Disconnect from 3rd parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest.

Don't discuss him with your children.

Don't gossip about him.

Don't ask him for anything, even if you're in dire need.

When you're forced to meet him, don't discuss your personal affairs - or his.

Relegate any inevitable contact with him - when and where possible - to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.


First published on Suite101

Common Coping Mechanisms Used by Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse

© (1994) Victoria Polin, MA, ATR, LCPC & Gail Roy, MA, ATR, LCPC

Important Reminder: When reviewing this list it's important to remember that the information provided shouldn't be used as the sole determiner of childhood sexual abuse.

This list only provides the reader with a list of some common Coping Mechanisms that are used by many adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

It's also important to remember that coping mechanisms are learned behavioral patterns used to cope. They'e not necessarily all "good" or "bad."

Many individuals have used their abuse learned coping mechanisms to benefit them professionally and in other personal situations.

1. Minimizing abuse history / herstory and actions of offender(s).

2. Rationalization of one's victimization. "Oh, he/she just didn't know any better. He/She was also abused as a child".

3. Denial is more comfortable for both a child and adult survivor o pretend the abuse never occurred, than face the emotional / psychological pain of the violation.

4. Repression / Forgetting. One's body's way of denying victimization

5. Splitting. Seeing the world in terms of black and white (no shades of gray). Common in survivors when the behavior of the offender was either abusive or loving (no middle).

6. Lack of Integration. On the inside feeling you are bad/evil. On the outside being a super achiever. Developing a "false self".

7. Out of body experience(s) during the abuse. Feeling that one watched the abuse occurring to one's body.

8. Control Issues. The more chaotic family life in childhood, the stronger control issues are an issue.

9. Dissociation/Spacing Out. Everyone does this at times; the difference is degree and frequency. Example of normal dissociation: Driving a car and realizing you're farther along then you believed.

10. Hyper awareness / Super alert. Awareness of everyone and everything around you.

11. Workaholism / Business. Staying busy is one way of avoiding feelings.

12. Escape / Running away. Passive ways include reading books, sleeping and watching television. It's important to remember fantasies can be the source of a rich creative life and can be vital to healing.

13. Psychiatric Hospitalizations. Can be used as a respite from intense feelings and/or flashbacks.

14. Self - Mutilation / Self-Harm / Self-Injury. Internalization of offender. Instead of being hurt by victimizer, survivor hurts one's self. Often releases intense feelings and/or numbness after mutilation occurs.

15. Suicide Attempts. Often occurs when survivors feels trapped with no way out. "Don't kill yourself, call a friend, your therapist or a crisis hot-line instead!"

16. Isolation. Feeling safer when alone ("No one can hurt me if I'm alone").

17. Addictions are common ways of coping with the pain of sexual abuse. They're usually self-defeating and self-destructive (drugs, food, gambling, sex . . . ).

18. Lying. When children are told not to tell anyone, the offenders are teaching children to lie. Many survivors are compulsive liars, the abuse being the biggest of them all.

19. Religion. Safety can be found attaching one's self to a belief system that has clear boundaries and rules. Traditional religion can provide an anchor. The lure of divine forgiveness can be a powerful pull for the survivor who still feels the abuse was his/her fault. Unfortunately, destructive cults can also be alluring to an adult survivor for some of the same reasons.

20. Avoiding Intimacy. Seeming open and friendly on the surface but hiding real feelings inside. "Avoiding intimacy keeps one safe and sometimes leads to positive traits such as independence and autonomy - it also means missing out on the rewards healthy relationships can bring." (E. Bass & L. Davis, 1988).

21. Manipulation. Adult survivors, who are diagnosed as having a Borderline Personality often are told they're being manipulative. Once they're able to identify, process and express feelings attached to manipulative behavior and taught other ways of getting needs met, the manipulation will usually cease.

Bass, Ellen & Laura Davis. The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. New York: Harper & Row, 1988.

Chutis, Laurieann. Flashbacks. Chicago, IL. Ravenswood Hospital & Medical Center, Dept. of Consultation and Education.

Davis, Laura. Allies In Healing: When The Person Your Love Was Sexually Abused As A Child. New York: Harper, 1991.

Gil, Eliana. Outgrowing the Pain: A Book For And about Adults Abused As Children. New York: Dell Publishing, 1983.

Ideran, Mary. Adult Survivors Signs & Symptoms Checklist The Changing Women in Calumet City.

Lew, Mike. Victims No Longer: Men Recovering From Incest & Other Sexual Child Abuse. New York: Harper Collins, 1990.

Napier, Nancy J. Getting Through The Day: Strategies for Adults Hurt as Children. New York: W.W. Norton, 1993.

Post-Trauma Debriefing

After a shocking or disturbing event - a serious accident, an unexpected and tragic loss, a threat to your safety - theres a need to digest that extreme experience while its fresh, so that it doesnt cause post-trauma stress problems later. Perhaps the best way to do that is to debrief the experience with someone familiar with post-trauma coping strategies.

That person could be one of our professional counselors. Informal debriefing is available through our office on an individual or group basis. Such debriefing assumes that your initial stress reactions are likely to be normal reactions to that very abnormal event. But debriefing helps to keep your healthy recovery on track!

Reprinted below is some general information on coping with a traumatic event. This information is also available from our office in hard-copy (brochure) format, for easy distribution to any individual affected by such an incident.

If this material raises a question or leaves one unanswered for you, don't hesitate to request a debriefing appointment at our office, to troubleshoot and tailor the information according to your personal circumstances.

Coping with a Traumatic Event

Common Stress Reactions to a Traumatic Event

Extremely stressful experiences that include some physical injury or immediate threat of injury - to oneself or someone close by - qualify as traumatic events. Other unexpected threats or personal violations may also be shocking and disturbing.

Being involved in a traumatic incident can remind us that we're all vulnerable to tragedy. Our protective belief that nothing terrible could happen to me or to people around me can be shattered.

During a traumatic event and in the following 24 hours you may experience initial shock reactions that range from intense fear or anger to numbness or detachment.

In the days following the stressful event, you may experience many different thoughts, feelings, physical reactions and behaviors that vary in intensity and duration. Some of these could be upsetting if you're not prepared to expect such normal reactions to the abnormal event just experienced.

Most post-traumatic stress reactions are likely to subside within a few days or weeks, depending on individual circumstances.

Common Reactions Include:

• trouble concentrating or remembering things

• recurrent dreams, nightmares, or flashbacks

• mentally reconstructing the event to come out differently

• a sense of helplessness

• questioning beliefs, meaning

• feeling numb or disconnected

• sad or depressed feelings

• bursts of anger or irritability

• lack of enjoyment in everyday activities

• digestive problems or appetite fluctuations

• hypervigilance, startling easily

• changes in sexual interest

• sleep irregularities

• avoiding associations with the event

• trying to keep busy or distracted to avoid thinking about the event

• other atypical behavior, emotions, or physical reactions.

Coping Strategies:

You're unlikely to experience all of the listed stress responses. You may experience some in a very mild form or very briefly and none should become a long-term problem if you follow some healthy coping strategies - and avoid a few misguided ones.

First of all, just a few DONTS:

• Do NOT let yourself become withdrawn or isolated during this time.

• Do NOT resort to overmedication or drug/alcohol use for coping or escape.

• Do NOT bottle up all of your feelings or fears; you may prolong the recovery process, not shorten it.

• Do NOT assume that your mental, physical, or emotional stress reactions are a sign of weakness, craziness, or loss of control, when they're probably a normal part of the recovery process.

It's important during times of extra stress to take positive steps to renew and care for yourself.

Here are some DO choices:

• Try to keep most of your personal routines in place, such as regular meals or other everyday rituals; these can re-establish some order when your life has been temporarily turned upside down.

• Just do what you can do: Even if you have little appetite, eat something healthy to keep yourself going. Even if your concentration is poor, it may still be wise to go to class (or work) or look at a book vs. doing nothing at all. If you arent in a party mood but you do want to go out to be with friends, they should be fine with that if you let them know your wishes.

• When you can, allow yourself to feel emotions such as sadness, anger, or grief over what happened. Talking to others about your feelings is important. Make that long-distance call or write your experience down - whatever helps your mind digest this experience and put it behind you.

• Get some appropriate physical exercise, along with regular sleep, rest and relaxation.

• Use family and friends you trust for some informal debriefing, but feel free to use a professional counselor for some debriefing, too. It can be part of dealing with an experience promptly and preventing future complications.

  Discuss your experience with anyone who went through the event with you. If a group debriefing meeting is offered (by a trained professional), take advantage of the opportunity.

  If your traumatic experience also involved a personal loss, such as the death of someone close to you, recognize that your stress or shock will be accompanied by grief reactions as well, which will deserve appropriate expression and recovery time in their own right.

Coping When Someone You Love is Deployed - By Susan Dunn

Having someone you love deployed, whether child, partner, relative or close friend, is extremely stressful. As on military spouse told me, “Why am I acting like this?

STRESS

When we must separate from a loved one we have reactions that are physiological and emotional that are beyond our control. However, our emotional intelligence skills can helps us manage and tame them. It starts with understanding and self-awareness.

SEPARATION STRESS

Studies of newborns separated from their mother shows us the extremes of “protest-despair behavior.” The infant’s body reacts, pumping out stress hormones that affect the sympathetic nervous system and certain somatic or muscular behaviors.

There can be a ten-fold increase in glucocorticoid levels (cortisol, the ‘stress hormone’), approaching neurotoxic levels (Modi & Glover, 1998). Gastrointestinal functions are inhibited. The heart beat slows, body temperature falls and the infant “withdraws,” presumably in an attempt to “survive.”

If prolonged, the immune system is compromised.

Any separation from a loved one during our lifetime will mimic this reaction to separation, because we’re humans, because we love, because we bond.

At the same time, if the person being deployed is your lover, you’ll be deprived of the oxytocin, the hormone released when we touch, or even think about, our love that makes us feel so good.

The price we pay for the joy of love is that separation is painful.

WHAT TO EXPECT

It’s normal, under these circumstances to:

• Feel like you’re going nuts.
• Cry a lot.
• Have trouble making even the smallest decision.
• Find food tastes like cardboard
• Never sleep or want to sleep all the time
• Be angry and short-tempered
• Kick the kitchen stool in your way and be unable to talk about what’s really going on
• Breathe funny
• Be short-tempered
• Experience rage at the inability of anyone to say or do anything that helps

WHAT CAN HELP?

“Share your thoughts, vent your anger, or ask for help,” says the Submarine Wives Club. “We're all in the same ‘boat’ and are here to offer support and advice.”

1. Find national support groups, resources and pre-deployment tips here: http://www.submarinewivesclub.org

5. At the stress forum, you can ask questions, share tips or find a sympathetic listener 24 hours a day at http://stress.about.com/mpboards.htm

6. Hire a coach.

Get some extra support. Work on some personal goals. Keep your life going! Coaches understand.

7. Develop your emotional intelligence.

The EQ© Course ( http://www.susandunn.cc/courses.htm ) provides foundational information for coping, handling transitions and adversity and managing emotions. It'll help you understand where you emotions come from and why they make you feel as you do. An EQ coach ( http://www.susandunn.cc ) can help you practice these skills and incorporate them into your life on a daily basis.

9. Take positive action.

The Navy Family Deployment guide says: “The cure for depression is the same as prevention. Take positive action. Behavior is changed by thoughts and feelings.” Join a support group, hire a coach, keep family traditions thriving, plan activities, set new goals, take care of yourself and don’t be alone.

10. Xtreme Self-care.

Because of these physiological responses, you need to pay attention to your exercise, eating and general health routine. You may not feel like running in the morning, but do it and you’ll feel better – in the short-term and in the long-run. Find healthy food you can enjoy – eat small snacks all day, if you’re appetite is low. Get a physical checkup if problems arise.

11. Know your limits.

If you're experiencing an especially difficult time, get professional help. Therapists and counselors are waiting to help you.

Facts on Coping With Loneliness

1. Loneliness Can Strike Anyone

Once upon time, loneliness affected only spinsters, the elderly and gawky teenagers, but in today's fast paced, Blackberry toting world lots of folks have busy lives and careers but are still achingly lonely. With families moving around the country and people changing jobs and relationships more frequently, we all cope with loneliness at one time or another. There are several ways to be proactive and deal with lonely feelings before they overwhelm us.

2. Turn Your Attitude Dial to Friendly

Think about what's good in your life. Focus on the few people you do know. Maybe there's an old classmate you can call or a neighbor you can visit. Remember that people like to be with happy, pleasant people, so change your attitude and put a smile on your face. Do things you'd normally do with a friend, like go to a restaurant or concert. Talk to the person sitting next to you, if only to ask the time. The more you socialize, the better chance you have of making friends.

3. Brush Up On Your Social Skills

Getting a social life takes effort. It's like dieting, exercising or getting a job. You have to put effort in it to get it. Pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get out of the house.

Go to a movie and force yourself to make small talk with the girl selling popcorn. By approaching someone you'll probably never see again, you'll diminish your embarrassment quotient and feel free to be yourself. This method works well for folks who've been alone a long time and need to learn how to use those social skills all over again.

4. Build a Social Network

If you're socially isolated and don't know how to start making friends, start anywhere. There are plenty of options, from social networking sites like Meetup.com and message boards dedicated your hobbies.

Get some Internet friends and eventually you might meet some of them in person. Take classes at the local college or attend lectures. Fight self-defeating prophecies like "I won't meet anyone" or "They won't like me." Get out on the town and you'll increase your chances of making friends and acquaintances. They won't crash through the roof. You need to go to them.

5. Get Some Friend-Making Therapy

If you try get out in the world and meet people, but have no success in making new friends, or if you make friends and still feel lonely, call a therapist and talk out your feelings. Perhaps you're looking for something that doesn't exist or have unrealistic social expectations. You may have deep-rooted depression instead of temporary loneliness. A therapist can help decipher your problem and help you start making friends.

Author: Marianne Moro has spent the past 10 years writing health, nutrition and yoga commentaries for publications such as Aquarius/Sign of the Time, New Age and Moondance. She also publishes online articles for a variety of health industry clients. Moro practices yoga daily and is an enthusiastic proponent of massage therapy.

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