even more about love......

about the layer down under that experience....
looking within: thoughts & thinking
looking within: am i an abuser or abusive?
looking within: are you the one who abandons others?
consistency.... learn about it & use it
about suicide..... it's a shame...
coping mechanisms
communication continued
temperment & personality
family dysfunction

i love you! or so you think!

I love you! - By Joseph Ghabi

I love you!

The famous 3 words we never hear enough of in our life. Throughout our life span we keep looking, waiting & hoping for something to take us, or lead us, to our true love. Have you ever wondered where we can find love?

What really is this word “love” that we keep repeating to that someone special in our lives?

How many times do you tell your partner “I love you”? Do you really mean it, or do you just like to hear yourself speak?

Or, is it just being said because it's part of the vocabulary that your partner likes to hear, or that helps make them feel secure about themselves. So what’s love in the first place? What does love mean to you? Where can we find it?

love... do you feel love for yourself first?

Before looking for answers, we need to establish things ourselves & understand the meaning of the word “love”.

Love, in my point of view, is a flow of energy between two people that can bring awareness of their existence on this plane together & this helps their relationship & the harmony between them, to grow.

If love is a flow of energy, basically it isn't costing you anything so why do we hold ourselves back from truly sharing that love with someone else. Vulnerability, security, or maybe fears prevent us, but how hard are we really trying to achieve “true love”?

Love is already in your own backyard & we seem to have a hard time accepting this. To be able to accept love we need to learn how to give it in the first place. Love already exists in our “being” as humans share the most precious, intimate & secret jewel that's in our soul, our growth & our spirit.

love from the beginning....

How much do you love yourself, or accept yourself for who you are? I'm not introducing this question in an egoistic or selfish way. The amount of love you attract is really a reflection of the amount you give to others.

We mirror what's already in us. You can't get love from what you don’t have in yourself in the first place.

The amount of time & effort you're willing to put into accepting, or inviting, true love to yourself is the same amount you're already accepting or giving to yourself?

Are you ready to be in love? Ask yourself this question. Let go of your pride & fears & invest in yourself. Think about it!

Don't allow one bad relationship to hold you back or stop you from investing in love again. Holding yourself back from loving someone is as equal to, or as important as, attracting love to your own life. We always look to receive love from another person but it is the contrary, you hold your happiness in your own hands.

love... it's from the heart

So open your heart & a new love will come & approach you. Don’t go too far to look for that true love. Just start searching for it within yourself!!! Sometimes it's hard to love ourselves because of different occurrences that have happened to us.

We lose our own self-confidence & self-esteem. What I suggest, to renew your confidence in yourself, is a change of attitude. Appreciate yourself first, for who you are. Love yourself for who you are & NOT for the way people want you to be, in their image. You are who you are & if someone doesn't like you for what you are, then they are not the right one for you.

Now again comes the question - do you really mean it when you say to someone that you love him or her?

Of course in my opinion, you need to distinguish between real love & infatuation. A person that showers his or her partner with material things or gifts usually has two motives.

First, he or she is substituting one thing they can’t offer to their partner (love) & second he or she is hiding something from their partner (finding love somewhere else).

love grows naturally within us...

Where am I going with this, just to say that love has no value attached to it?

Either you give love from your soul or you don’t. Let’s just stop kidding ourselves by living a fancy unreal life. Love has no monetary value attached to it otherwise it would not be love. Love is a flow of energy so how can we place a price on it.

Until you find true love in your own heart, embrace every moment & enjoy your exploration of life & what it can bring to you.

Remember, love someone for who they are & not for the way you want them to be. Appreciate them as human souls. Happy discovery!!


love... do you feel love for yourself first?

KENTRA: The Story of True Love - By Saintmoses Eromosele

There is little doubt that I have a flair for unique names. My name, Saintmoses, is suggestive to that fact. While I was growing up I met a pretty lady who told me that her name was Kentra. I wasn’t as mesmerized by her beauty & coy essence as by her name.

Even though Kentra’s face is lost today to my memory but the name still reverberates even in my subconscious. I know you must be wondering now why this is so. I will tell you presently.

My few moments with Kentra opened my eyes to a whole lot of things, chiefly true love. I, like many others & probably you, have been wondering why true love has been eluding the contemporary world so much.

Some fortunate souls find love but, like expensive perfume left open too long, its sweet aroma evaporates & love is lost. Where does love go? How can we increase our chances of keeping it or expressing the dept & height of genuine love? These & many other issues will be discussed in this essay.

I first fell in love when I was 16 to a girl my age. I said so many sweet things to her. But what was I actually meaning in my heart when I whispered the words I love you?

I actually meant I love myself. This was love, as I knew it. I guess the same is true of many others, if not all, including you. We're all the same. It’s only a matter of degree. I agree children & adolescents engage in a lot of fuzzy thinking & seeking, but what about adults. Are they innocent?

Adults & intellectuals use the same four-letter word, love, to describe the way they feel about a vast assortment of topics. “I love my dog. I love my car. I love Chicken Pie. I love fighting. I love Nigeria. I love. I love. I love!”

In the same breath they exclaim, “I love God!” No wonder they're confused. The ancient Greeks were more specific. They didn't use the same 4 letter word to mean all the attributes of love. Don't forget that I'm still telling you about Kentra & how my meeting with her changed my concept of true love.

The ancient Greeks used 5 different words for what they considered the various types of love. This is instructive. They categorized love into the following five categories:

The love of God for humans best describes this. But I take liberty to add 2 more, Selfishness & Commitment, which I dare to call the 6th & 7nth types of love.

In essence these two summarize the dynamics of love from one end of the spectrum to the other.

Six is the Hebrew number for man because man was made on the sixth day according to Scriptures. Given man’s addiction to self, six indubitably fits him well.

Seven is the number for perfection or completion. It's also believed that God rested on the seventh day after completing creation. In the same way, designating Commitment as the 7nth type of love associates it with our goal-perfected love. It's the perfect type of love. Much of this essay will focus on the last 2 types of love, Selfishness & Commitment.

Selfishness is a perverted type of love. It would rather join forces with one or the other 5 Grecian types & pervert their essential goodness than to stand on its own. It acts like cancer. It usually stirs its cancerous head under the guise of self-preservation.

Selfishness isn't learned but innate. Even as newborn babes, we all demonstrated great skill in this area. Infants reach out, clenching their tiny hands around for whatever they can grab. They grab it & will not let even you, who gave it to them, have it back. It’s hard to express true love with clenched fists.

True love replaces “I want therefore I take” with “I live therefore I give”. Marriage doesn't do away with the danger. It simply exposes the truth. Young people often jump into marriage for what they can get rather than for what they can contribute. What a set up for disaster!

That brings me to the opposite end of the spectrum, Commitment, the seventh type of love.

Commitment represents the ultimate form of selflessness. It's the direct opposite of Selfishness. Commitment gives substance to love. It acts on love like fertilizer acts on the soil. It's markedly different from involvement. One can be involved in something & not committed.

A strong foundation for Commitment must be made before the wedding vow if the vow is expected to stick after the honeymoon. Two things were involved in a typical English breakfast: Eggs & Bacon. The hen that gives the egg is alive but the pig that gives the Bacon died. The hen was only involved but the pig was committed.

True Commitment is sacrifice. It says, “My happiness lies in the happiness of others”. Greece said, “Be wise, know thyself”. Rome said, “Be strong, discipline yourself”. Psychology says, “Be confident, assert yourself”.

Religion says, “Be good, conform yourself”. I tried all these advice but they left me empty, until Kentra drew my attention to what Jesus said; “Deny yourself, follow me”. She also reminded me of what Mother Theresa of Calcutta said, “Life isn't worth living unless it's lived for others”.

This may not appeal to some persons whose idea of life & love has been perverted by the false teachings of contemporary society. It's unfortunate to see even Christian preachers rephrasing God’s eternal law, “Love your neigbour as yourself” with the emphasis on the self.

Jesus couldn't have been emphasizing the self in the parable of the Good Samaritan. False prophets are ubiquitous, you must know. Any religion that doesn't preach Kentra’s philosophy should be discarded. He who lives to herself or himself is truly dead to others. To me, true love is a matter of give & take, with the emphasis laid on the giving.

And now, back to Kentra. Do you still find it puzzling? A bit, I guess. I can understand why. You probably imagine that Kentra is a lady, or my girl friend, or something like that. Kentra is actually a Scottish name & it means loving. Now you know why the memories still linger! Kentra is a whole new world. Kentra is God.

It's higher than even religion. It is everything perfect. God is love & Kentra is his character. If we claim that we're made in God’s image, we must share his essential character, Kentra. You must not forget that the loneliest place in the world is the human heart where love is absent.

Please write to let me know how this piece has influenced your perception of loving. Keep Kentra alive!


love... do you feel love for yourself first?

Unconditional Love - By Karol Zelazny

I don’t claim to be an expert on Unconditional Love, but few things happened in my life that urged me to talk about the subject. About 6 years ago my heart was a very lonely & dark place without any colors. Beautiful & soothing sounds were completely absent.

One of the feelings I had was being disappointed with myself & with my life. I felt stuck in business that I didn’t love, despite decent financial results. I wasn’t paying much attention to my kids being depressed & I felt sorry for myself most of the time.

I finally realized that I had enough & I needed to make the necessary changes in my life.

4 years ago I quit my own business, despite doom & gloom predictions from my wife which were never realized & started a journey of self discovery. During this short & eventful trip I quickly realized that everything in our lives hinges on LOVE.

I started applying love, forgiveness & the advice to ‘turn the other cheek’ with life’s situations that I faced.

Things began to change. Honestly, it was a slow & painful process. I would take 2 steps forward & 3 back… But I believed in the UltraMind system & instinctively knew that this was the only way to go. I knew, 4 years ago, that I can succeed if I stay & continue on my course.

One of the biggest tests came 3 years ago from my 10 year son. He just went nuts. He threw temper tantrums everyday, was failing out of school, climbed out of detention thru the window & ran away from school. He went over the top when he set the fire alarm in school.

My wife suggested that we take some strong action to curb the behavior. I knew that force will not work & will only make things worse. The process lasted 6 months.

Everyday I'd talk to him, then go to my room & spend half an hour sending him Unconditional Love. There were no visible results from day to day. Sometimes things got worse but I was just doing what I thought was right, which made my wife think that I've gone off the deep end.

Last year his behavior at home & school changed dramatically. His Principal called & left a message that I can still remember word by word: “…I don’t know what you parents are doing but keep doing it. He isn't the kid we used to know”

It was one of the best moments of my life! Sometimes the most important things in your life aren't big & flashy events, but you have at least one silent witness. Known as God, Higher Intelligence, zero point energy. This witness registers your every thought, intent, action. Your life flows according to this record. The more love there is in you, the bigger & faster “miracles” can happen for you.

At Silva seminars we teach to apply belief, expectancy & desire with our techniques. If you also apply Love & Forgiveness with the above 3 you'll get results - in time - that are beyond your wildest dreams.

Today, I’m successful in every area of my life. I have many good friends & as a bonus I was granted the power to perform real time “miracles”. I'll talk about it in the next article.

There's one Universal Law that you might want to consider applying in your life:

Giving is Receiving”. Generosity begets generosity. Stinginess impoverishes. Stinginess can be emotional or material. Both kinds will do great damage to your heart & leave you with this empty feeling of pointless existence.

Before I was allowed to journey forward towards happiness & fulfillment I was asked to give LOVE of Unconditional kind. I didn't look forward & expect immediate results. If you have infinite patience the results will appear very quickly. Charity begins at home. You don’t need to look far & wide to perform a RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS.

To illustrate the point read the e-mail below & notice the attitude of this student. The first one I received a day after the seminar. The other one few days ago.

Unconditional love to you.

Karol Zelazny

love... do you feel love for yourself first?


What does true love mean to you? - By Dr. Ulla Sebastian

Most people long for or have an image of a true love that they nourish or search for all their life.

Depending on the level of consciousness, true love can mean something completely different for different people.

On the level of the physical well-being, love is the satisfaction of vital sensual needs & the expression of bodily pleasure & vitality on the base of an intimate relationship.

If there's a distortion on that level, sexual love turns into sex addiction or sexual dependency. In such a case you see the other as an object of your satisfaction. In sex addiction you satisfy your need for bodily stimulation, in sexual dependency your need for affection.

On the level of personal well-being you care for what's best for you & what makes your life fulfilled. The task on this level is to acknowledge & truly love yourself with all your strengths & weaknesses.

If you don't know or appreciate your own value, you make yourself dependent on the appreciation & love of others. You need others to fill yourself not on the sexual level as before but on the emotional-mental realm.

You demand appreciation, identity & self-confidence. You enter the relationship as somebody who needs love rather than somebody who is willing to give love.

On the interpersonal level, you look for somebody, who compliments you, stabilises your self worth & satisfies your needs. According to the law of attraction you fall in love with somebody, who looks for the same.

The dilemma is that two dependent people who are attracted to each other for the satisfaction of their dependency needs aren't in the position to fulfil each other’s wants. They cling to each other like two burrs, without being able to give each other the nourishment of true love that each one longs for. The frustration of the lacking fulfilment leads to anger & hate.

Some spend their whole life playing this game of love & hate. Others separate & look for a better substitute. Usually the exchange ends in the same drama, if you refuse to unfold your potential.

If you on the personal level have found to yourself & you know your value, you also recognize & acknowledge it in others. When you're satisfied with yourself you don’t request the other person to change for your own sake.

On the contrary: You'll support him/her to unfold his or her potential. You stand back, if necessary, or you stand at his/her side. You share your strengths & weaknesses, allow yourself to be vulnerable & in that way deepen the intimacy of the partnership.

The "yes" to the other person is a necessity to provide the safety to master a crisis together. The relationship is an instrument of growing together & growth means an imbalance in time. This imbalance however doesn't endanger the relationship, but releases the potential for creative solutions.

The ability for an intimate relationship & an open & fair dispute forms the core for a co-operation within larger circles of people. The perspective on the social level expands from the cell of the pair relationship or family to the social orders, which furthers the social well-being of all.

Thru your abilities, your engagement or your love, you strengthen your neighborhood, your job or organization, which you have joined. You work together on goals, which serve the preservation of life & the common whole.

If true love means to you, that the other should mother & protect you, you will on this level look for a community that might fulfil your needs. This even more so if a couple relationships hasn't satisfied you. The community becomes a mother substitute.

Instead of synergy you experience the fight around attention, lack of respect for other community members, hidden power struggles & the defence of privileges

When you reach the level of ethics or principles will you be able to differentiate the different levels with their options & challenges. This level enables you to distance yourself from yourself.

In practice this means, that you can observe, like a neutral observer how you've handled the options & challenges of love on the different levels of development & what kind of thought forms & behavior may even today hinder you to give & receive true love. As you aren't completely identified with your own thoughts & responses anymore, you can choose how you may best overcome the obstacles.

If your partner for instance would like more room for himself, you will not simply react with fears of loss & trying to hold the partner, but you observe the responses in you & you use your competence to develop another way of dealing with such situations. With the consciousness of the fifth level, you attain the freedom to direct your thoughts & behavior in such a way that it leads to your chosen goals.

If you integrate all that you've learned on all the levels, you become an embodiment of true love that spreads to all people. This feeling of universal love is the all-encompassing feeling of compassion that Buddha spoke about. It's the wish to ease the suffering of people helping them to understand the transitory nature of this world

Each level has its own qualities & challenges & it'll take time to come to terms with them.

For a more comprehensive description & a hands-on manual on how to move towards true love, check out her Ebook: Beyond Suffering at http://www.visioform.com/uk/ebook-joy.htm


love... do you feel love for yourself first?

Are You Fit To Love? - By Allie Ochs

is the most important question you’ll ever ask yourself.

Let’s face it, our relationships are extremely important. Yet, often they are the cause of pain & struggle. Single or not, societal standards convince us that we can have it all. Much of the available relationship advice compels us to go after everything we want. Sadly, for many it isn't working. Climbing divorce rates & more singles seeking love are proof that our attitudes are counterproductive.

Our expectations have become highly unrealistic. Rarely do we look in the mirror & ask: Am I fit to love? Today's relationships are failing because of deterioration of character. It's time we made a point of building long-term relationship success based on the strength of our characters, instead of clever-minded relationship strategies.

Great relationships require great characters. We simply must become better people for each other. Becoming fit to love is a powerful wake-up call for the brave. It'll dramatically improve our relationships or our chances of finding love.

The happiest people are those in exceptional relationships. They're heavily invested in their most valuable asset: their relationship & have an abundance of life’s most precious commodity: love.

They all have one thing in common: they're fit to love. At the heart of all exceptional relationships are 3 universal principles: mutual respect, moral responsibility & authenticity & here's what it means:

Mutual Respect: Your partner is just as important as you.

Our partner’s dreams & hopes are as important as our own. This principle requires us to think of our partner as our equal. Given that our generation has made history as ambassadors of our “me first” society, we're more concerned with getting what we want.

For Bill, everything revolves around golfing. He spends every weekend at the golf course while his wife, Jane, looks after their 2 small children. Extra money from their already tight budget is spent on Bill’s hobby.

Stuck at home with toddlers, Jane has little freedom to do or buy anything special. Despite Jane’s complaints Bill seems completely aloof to the fact that he's disrespectful.

Relationship conflicts arise because of different perspectives. Lovers argue over who is right, instead solving the issue in their mutual best interest. The struggle over unresolved issues leads to resentment even when there's love.

Love & respect take a backseat & the relationship deteriorates. This dangerous game is the reason why many relationships fail, when they shouldn’t.

Instead of trying to change each other or putting our needs first, we must realize that our partner is just as important. In grabbing hold of our partner’s beliefs we show that we respect our partner. If conflict arises & we can't agree, we should simply agree to disagree & continue to talk with respect. Without mutual respect, it's impossible to create loving relationships.

Moral Responsibility: You're always morally responsible to those with whom you have relationships.

We live in a society that elevates self-fulfillment above anything else. We seek self-fulfillment at any cost, even at the cost of others. Regardless of how often we have heard that we aren't responsible for our partner’s happiness, we're still responsible for his or her well-being.

Love is a moral responsibility to another person. We blame our partners if things don't work out without looking in the mirror to see our own flaws. Yet, everything we think, say or do affects those we love.

Jennifer had lunch with her friend Sally at a quaint restaurant. Jennifer could barley wait to share the details about her affair with this young stud. Sally listened in awe as Jennifer blamed her so-called inattentive husband, Paul.

It was a strange twist of fate that Paul sat behind the flower-decorated lattice wall listening to every word his wife said. From here on life took a different turn. Jennifer had deceived her husband Paul & lost the respect of Sally. This is a high price to pay for moments of sex.

In our quest for better relationships, we must make our relationship a priority. We must focus on our relationship not elsewhere.

Authenticity: True love only happens when you are real

Have you ever found yourself laughing simply because everyone else did? Agreed with your partner’s opinion even though you didn’t share it or said: “I love you” when you didn’t mean it. Did you ever do something inconsistent with your true self just to please someone or to get what you wanted? Of course we all have. We have lost the bravery to be real!

For many there's quite a gap between the inside & the person they present to the world. How about Toni, the dad who rents a Porsche to impress his date, while being delinquent in child support. Debby spends every Sunday at Grant’s parents but resents it. To keep the peace, she refrains from claiming some of these Sundays on her terms.

To be validated we often compromise who we are.

Conditioned by our environment we've become products of the culture we live in. No matter how good we are at playing roles eventually our truth emerges. Being fit to love means being real. When we're authentic our relationships become real & we never have to doubt them.

Regardless of the state of our relationships or how unsuccessfully we have tried to find love we have the power to radically change today. Mutual respect, moral responsibility & authenticity are key to exceptional relationships. People in exceptional relationships are fit to love & in the process they reap some profound rewards:

·They live much happier lives
·They cope far better with stress
·They have better sex more often
·They laugh more often & have more fun
·They are healthier & live longer
·They are more optimistic
·They feel more secure & stable

No wonder we envy these people. In times like these, laced with tremendous uncertainty their relationships are like rock-solid anchors. Mahatma Gandhi said: “A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it's the prerogative of the brave”. Let’s be brave!

© Allie Ochs, 2004


love... do you feel love for yourself first?

The Abilities to Love - By J. Bailey Molineux

Loving yourself, firstly & then loving your spouse are the two keys to a successful marriage. Note that this implies you can't do anything directly to make your spouse more loving but you can do plenty to work on yourself. Hopefully, as a result of the love you generate, your spouse will become more loving.

But what exactly does it mean to love yourself & how can you love your spouse in ways that can improve your marriage? What are the specific abilities involved in these two types of love?

When you love yourself in healthy, marriage-enhancing ways, it means you can do the following:

Recognize, listen to & honor your emotions & needs in relation to your spouse. They're there for your benefit. They tell you what's important to you & what you want from your spouse.
Express your wants & feelings to your spouse in constructive, non-demanding ways. You're able to tell your spouse how hurt & angry you are & what you want from her.

These first two abilities create what I call clear "I positions" in two people with a solid sense of themselves who are then capable of achieving deep intimacy. This intimacy will not come without conflict, however. In a truly intimate relationship, spouses don't deny their own needs & emotions for the sake of harmony. Rather, it's thru conflict that they grow closer together.

Validate yourself or self-soothe in the face of temporary hurt, rejection, or anger from your spouse. When your spouse doesn't respond the way you'd like, you can calm yourself down regardless of what he does. The source of your strength & comfort is within you & not your spouse. Since it takes two to make a fight, when one or both of you self-soothes, some fights can be avoided or aborted.

Refuse to tolerate unacceptable behavior in your spouse. When I suggest that you self-soothe in the face of conflict, I'm referring to minor issues which inevitably occur whenever two people live together for years. But if your spouse is doing things which are really harmful to you, you're able to declare you'll no longer tolerate such behavior & mean it.

To love your spouse in healthy ways, you can do the following:

See them as a separate person with legitimate emotions, needs & perceptions of their own. You're not threatened by the difference in your spouse but rather celebrate it. They aren't an extension of your ego or there only to meet your needs.

Empathize with your spouse. Validate his views & emotions as important to him. Empathy doesn't mean you agree with your spouse, however. You may have a different view of the same situation which is equally valid for you.

Respond to your spouse non-contingently. Her behavior doesn't always influence your behavior. You can be loving towards her without demanding she be loving in return. You don't have to respond to her anger with your own anger.

Make your spouse's emotions & needs as important as your own. This is obviously an ideal which may take years to achieve. But there are times when loving your spouse means doing things for him you don't want to do simply because you love him.

Marriage provides us with a wonderful opportunity to grow up, to become more mature, loving & selfless individuals. But there's a paradox here:

By learning to love ourselves more, we can love others more. By becoming more self-nurturing & assertive, we can become more giving. By insuring our cups of love are full, we can have more love to offer to others.

Parents ....
Please don't play games with your love for your children. When the second baby is coming along, the first child begins to feel insecure if there hasn't been a strong attachment. Maybe you have seen this insecurity acted out in play or while you're talking to your child about the new baby on the way...
My oldest daughter, two years & 10 days older than her sister was whole heartedly jealous of the new baby. So much so that she climbed up her step stool to reach into her little sister's crib the first week home from the hospital. When I found her trying to lift her little sister up, I asked, "Honey, what are you doing?" and she quickly replied....
"I'm throwing this baby in the trash! I don't like her here in my home!"
They're still feuding & at 28 & 26 are the topic of this month's "i just gotta say it!" They've never really gotten along & I just don't get it. I loved them both, so much, although their father had a quirky sense of love & he played games with, "Maybe, if you don't watch out, I'll love that baby more than you!" he would quip. He really didn't understand how harmful that was. I knew it wasn't right, but I wasn't sure how to counteract his negative statements.
Be loving to all your children. Those two older girls try to play a game with their three younger brothers & sisters... "Who do you love more?"
I have had to put my foot down & ask them to stop it! It's a mean thoughtless person that would ask a little sister or brother that question, trying to force them to make unreasonable choices like that!
What is your understanding of love? Perhaps you need to study up on love before you're responsible for teaching love to the next generation!

Relationships, love & jealousy - By Linda Simmon

Relationships, love & in particular jealousy & present each of us with a unique opportunity to better understand ourselves. Jealousy is most often the result of attachment & expectations, beliefs, projections, delusions, envy, guilt & low of self-esteem.

What do you do when you're jealous? You may try to find out if your lover has been with someone else. If he or she has, you might go into a rage. It's a fairly common & immediate response. You're angry. You feel violated. You want revenge. You want to stop what's happening, control the situation, manipulate whatever you can to protect yourself.

If you can cool down, if you can control this internal, knee jerk reaction, you just might discover that you have an alternative. Often, what feels like jealousy really is a lack of communication. When we leave our needs unspoken, they can lie in wait like a crouching tiger until someone, something or some event exposes them.

It's essential to communicate very clearly & explicitly with your partner about your needs & expectations.

It's important to understand the distinct difference between loving & being attached. It's an important distinction because so frequently what we call love is really attachment.

Loving someone means loving the uniqueness of that person. Attachment is quite different. You can love your partner & want to see them thrive, enjoy & grow. You want to see them become more of who they are.

That's the truth of love. On the other hand, you may want your partner conform to a preconceived idea of what you think they should be or perhaps to what's convenient or comfortable for you. That is attachment. This is a distinction that needs to be understood before you can understand your relationship or what needs to be done.

If your relationship is based on attachment, you'll quickly discover & experience the pain of jealousy. Our life, our surroundings & the people around us mirror what is going on inside us.

If you're angry, you'll find yourself living in an angry world. You'll see the angerin all the people around you & you'll feel it. Perhaps in your situation it isn’t anger, but instead it's depression or fear or jealousy. What you focus on is what you get. Wouldn’t it be far more enjoyable to feel & focus on joy, happiness, fulfillment & love.

Mirrors are a good thing because they give us an opportunity to observe what's going on in ourselves & take care of it. Whatever illusions you may have as to who is to blame or who is at fault, the jealousy is within you, a mirror of what's going on inside you.

Attempting to manipulate & control your lover is a poor solution. Manipulation of your partner is an external attempt to “fix” an internal problem. Looking inward, you can use the situation that caused the jealousy to bubble up into your consciousness as an opportunity to clarify communication between the 2 of you, to better understand yourself & your partner.

Jealousy is like an onion, layers of misunderstanding, misperceptions & misleading which can be overwhelming & so difficult that it makes you cry.

When you attempt to blame & control your partner, you refuse to acknowledge that these layers are within you. If you work at peeling off the layers, you can reach the core of the problem, you can achieve the possibility of self-understanding & freedom from the hurt & pain.

The 1st layer is your subconscious ideas & feelings about how one is supposed to act in a relationship. What do you believe & where does this beliefs come from? Do you believe that your partner is your possession? Can one person actually be the possession of another? Should they be?

If you believe that you must possess the other person, then you aren't in a loving relationship. Whatever control you think you exert over your partner, you can't really touch the inner uniqueness that comprises a human being. You may occasionally control your partner, but you can't make a person love you.

As you continue to go deeper inside you reveal even more layers of this “onion” including projection, envy & guilt. By peeling away these layers, you can reach awareness. Projection, envy & guilt are nothing more than pointers to the truth behind your feelings.

Becoming aware of what you're actually feeling & discovering the source behind it can give you the power to alleviate the pain. If you can reveal the true feelings, separate them from the perceived jealousy, it's possible to relieve the pain.

If you'd like to read this article in its entirety, visit www.newhynotherapy.com & remember, you don't need to experience jealousy. You don't need to control another & you don't need to be afraid.

You can choose to move away from those feelings. You can experience love itself deeper & deeper within its own fullness.

Linda Simmon, C.Ht.

Love, Romance & Smoking - By Tim Thompson - ClydeSight Productions

We all know the joke, "Do you smoke after sex?"
(The answer is "It depends on how fast we were going!")

Not many people get the connection between smoking, love & romance, but it's there.

Check out the dating services & personals. How many times will you see the words "Non smoker seeks same" or "Smokers need not apply." For smokers looking for that "special someone", the options are obviously limited. A good question to ask yourself is, do you want your smoking habit to limit the chances of your finding the person who is just right for you?

Quitting smoking can improve your romantic chances & your love life.

1. Nicotine as a toxin is in the bloodstream. It has a definite oral odor ("smoker's breath") & exudes thru the pores. Nicotine substitutes will do nothing to alleviate this problem, they just change the delivery system. No amount of perfume or breath mints will completely mask the odor. So if you're with someone who is adverse to the odor of nicotine, your body is constantly sending them a signal-- one that they will find repellent.

2. Smokers have a tendency to wheeze. It's the tar & junk that has built up in the lungs. There's also the coughing. Not very attractive, is it?

3. We all know that smokers have lower stamina. It's the health issue again. So for those times s of prolonged "cuddling", the energy just isn't there. How many times have you heard about the complaint that "...the love didn't last long enough"?

4. It's a proven scientific fact that when seeking a partner, people unconsciously assess the survival factor of the potential mate - their success potential. A smoker obviously is a person with health risks. A smoker is likely to be unconsciously considered a risky mate. It isn't cruelty or rejection - it's nature!

Even if you're in a committed relationship, your love life may be suffering from the effects of smoking - not on you, but on your partner. If your partner doesn't smoke & you do, this difference will always be an issue.

Your significant other may not say anything, but may harbor uncomfortable feelings. And eventually, these feelings will get expressed, perhaps in rejection. "Not tonight, I have a headache." may really mean, "Not tonight, I don't like the way you smell!"

When you're smoke free, those personals & ads that specify a nonsmoker will no longer be an issue. When you're smoke free you no longer send unconscious signals that you're a risky potential mate.

If you DO have a partner already, the fact that you have identified a possible block in your love relationship & that you're taking steps to do something about it may work wonders. It says to your partner, "I care about you enough to make myself more attractive & healthy for you."

Some things I've learned....
I've learned a bit about love I'd like to share with you all....
It's never an easy lesson when love is thrown into the mix. I can promise you that. I've learned that it's probably not your fault that you don't know how to love, both in giving & receiving, but now that you know that .... it's not your excuse for continuing to be dysfunctional where love is concerned.
Maybe you can reflect upon what I just said. It's worth your time. Perhaps you or someone you know has said, "It's not my fault that I don't know how to love you!"
If you have said that, or know someone close to you that has said that, how did it feel? How does it feel to feel totally out of control when it comes to how to love someone? How does it feel to not know what to do to change things in your love relationships?
I think that it felt lonely, unbearable, unbelievable & made me feel helpless, hopeless and fearful. It was so many intense feelings & emotions tied up into one big "overwhelmingly pathetic" sense, that I would do anything, even if it wasn't the right thing to do, to stop feeling that way. It was so difficult that I didn't know how to cope with it. Not knowing how to cope in a positive way makes the whole situation a "double negative" one!
Okay, in my recovery, thru using the methods that I have written about in the entire emotional feelings network of sites, which is:
Mental Health:
  • a mental health assessment & evaluation = a diagnosis
  • a treatment plan - from a mental health professional that included both counseling and medications
  • self education - all the information contained in anxieties 101

Are You Falling in Love or Being In Love? - By John Foulkrod

The key to a healthy relationship & certainly a joyful marriage is building it upon the best foundation possible. The “secret” to choosing the best foundation possible is in the difference between falling in love & being in love. Sadly, many confuse falling in love with being in love.

Consider these 2 scenes. The first is in a lobby of a Hospice house. An elderly couple is sitting together. He is propped up in a chair & it is obvious his disease has taken a terrible toll on his strength & energy. She's seated next to him & is gently stroking his cheek with the back of her forefinger. Each gentle stroke radiates a depth of love & compassion that could only be built over a lifetime of being in love.

In a powerful way their love fills the room.

The 2nd is of a younger couple sitting in the couch across from my desk. Just a few years before they sat holding hands in the same place for premarital counseling. The excitement of each finding the “right” person & the energy of their dreams for the future filled the room. Today they're at opposite ends of the couch, both frustrated, hurt & seemingly resigned. Each indicates “the feeling” they once felt is gone & nothing they've tried to do brings it back.

Anger, loneliness & conflict seem to mark their marriage now. In anguish they each confess they aren't sure what went wrong but this isn't what they wanted in a marriage.

Are you as shocked as this couple was when I tell you they're closer to a great marriage than they realize. Their problem – they have confused falling in love with being in love.

Let me make an analogy of the relationship between falling in love & being in love. Falling in love is like a child getting “baby teeth” & being in love is more like having permanent teeth. Both are important but each has a place & there'
s a time for each.

Falling in love serves an important function - getting people together & setting the stage for a relationship to begin. But falling in love doesn't have the staying & growing power needed to develop & sustain a healthy relationship.

Here is a comparison of the 2 types of love:

Falling In love Being in love

  • Tends to happen to us. Result of an intentional choice.
    Based upon a feeling (warm, good, etc). Grows out of a decision.
  • Tends to overlook faults of the other. Recognizes we're all flawed.
  • Magical moments when everyday life seems to fade into the background. Common, everyday life is the soil in which this love must grow & mature.
  • Often unconscious & unstated expectations.
  • Appreciation & gratitude for differences.
  • Instinctual, requires little effort. Intentional, requires effort, stretches us.
  • When faults realized believe can change the other.

Focus on my responsibility to change me.

What do I get from this relationship? What do I give to this relationship?

Ways my life is better because of you. Ways your life is better because of me.

Tend to overlook or excuse hurts. Learn to forgive hurts.

The good news is we can all learn how to be in love. It's a matter of choices & practice. The return is well worth the investment of time & effort.

Is Love an Investment? - By Bernie Prior

Is Love an investment or is it a way of surrender?

How much investment do you have in your life? How much investment do you have for enlightenment?

If you have a partner then what’s your investment in that partnership? Have you ever looked at it this way?

Do you have an investment to be here on this Earth? If you have, it’s going to block or stop your direct cognisance of your Being. With any investment in this life whatsoever you won’t be able to stay in the stillness, you won’t be able to know Being.

How is your investment doing? Are you getting a good return on your investment?

It’s not too good a return is it? Do you see how all investments are falling?

You could get pretty scared as you start to watch your investment crumble because you’ve been associating yourself with it for so long.

But why associate yourself with something that has nothing good & vital about it, something that’s polluting you & this Earth?

You know of its pollution inside you because there’s no Beingness, no nourishment in it. You’re in complete & absolute closure. Your investment is closing you down to living reality. It’s closing you down to what love is. It’s closing you down to the fragrance of the Self.

If you want to open to Being you have to let go of the investment. Will you completely & absolutely give up & surrender your investment in this life?

Of course you can still have an investment in the world but at what cost?

The cost of real communion, real communication in yourself & in this projected reality. Will you give up your investment so you can flow immediately home to where there's no projection, no gap, just the purity of Being?

Then there’s openness. Then you open. Then you can totally & absolutely be yourself, even with the old shadow of the investment still hanging around - because now you’ve seen it. Now you can completely be at rest with the old investments as they turn up.

They'll still turn up you know. But you don’t have to live from them do you? You don’t have to live from the investment. It’s just a question of whether you’re fully prepared to completely surrender any investment in any moment - in other words surrender in love, right now.

If you’re coming home to Being you’re going to face all those investments that life brings you. Something has to break thru this body. Something has to cut thru the arrogance that is holding this bogus identity together.

It could be a lover leaving you, it could be cancer, or it could be just plain simple honesty. What do you love? Do you love your investment or do you love the truth?

Do you want to become fully alive - not in another bogus body or another bogus time - but now?

Life is available now. It’s here right now for everyone. But are you still going to use the mind, the emotions, or the body to create a more subtle investment?

Or are you opening, maybe even cracking open, because of the circumstances of your life? Or maybe you’re just finding something that’s really real pulling you inside? Something in you is awakening but you have no idea what it is.

If you really want to awaken & awaken to what's absolute – absolute meaning that’s the end of it, everything’s finished, only Being remains - then maybe you have to face your personal investment in this life.

It’s that personal investment which causes us even more suffering. Before I awakened there was no problem. I was living in the world & there was hassle & all the rest of it.

Yet as I awaken I start to face something perhaps more dreadful than before – I start to face myself. I start to face my investment & to see how truly I was invested in something for me. This investment then starts to sneak in to my awakening. I start to be invested in this love & this truth & this freedom.

If there’s any investment in your awakening you’ll just end up in a bigger illusion than you had in the first place. So whilst awakening there’s a transition in one’s life to be clearly & absolutely honest to your own heart.

To have that integrity inside your heart where you see you’re awakening for love, you’re awakening to the source & so it’s the end of who you think you are. It’s the end of you as a historical reference point - but it’s the unfolding to something that’s so wondrous. It’s an adventure - if we give it everything, if we no longer try to take the world in us into that awakening but if we dissolve the world thru our love of what's absolute, thru our love of our source, thru the love of life, thru the love of truth.

Many people embark on awakening but still perpetuate the illusions because there’s no honesty to the heart - not honesty to some moral system, some religious or cultural system, but simply & utterly true to your own Self, to your own growing integrity of Being.

When we awaken if we want to fully know & not just taste the flow of Being that is our birthright – that freedom, that depth, that knowledge of this moment - it’s the end of investments in life. Because those investments in life have you holding on to some identity that is born of past.

Now many people come to this point & say “ But I love my past, I love my history”. Well if we’re to discover what is absolute & if that flow of well-being is to come into this body, then we must discover also if your Self has any history?

Does the divine Self have any history? Having a past & looking into the future, isn’t that an investment – an investment that you want to repeat the past or avoid it? If we’re really true & engaging what is absolute & true in our Being - & we know it’s freedom, we know it’s complete love & that it’s the potential on this Earth to be experienced - then surely we have to return to a way of life of innocence, a way of life that absolutely trusts the source where we spring from?

We have to trust that implicitly otherwise in will come fear & with fear will come another investment to avoid fear. So we’re always going to be in fear or avoiding fear. If we want to truly experience & unite with our Being surely we have to be in the way that is absolute?

The absolute is eternity. It’s eternal so it doesn’t have any investment in past or future. It’s wholly in the presence of now. It moves in a clean, deep, real way - simply living right now from the source. It’s possible for every man or woman to come from that place, to express what is absolute & live what is absolute, if only we could give up our investment in a personal life.

In the letting go of investment what I would suggest would take place to the individual - & also on a human scale in terms of the planetary scale - your Being, that which is free of past & future, would now fit.

It would now have free access to you as an expression of Being - because you have no past in you & no future need in you, no controller in you, no investment in you. So that which you’ve been seeking with your partner, with your job, going to the beach, in so many ways, would find you - because you’re letting go of the past & the need to exist in the future.

You’re returning to a true state of your Being – one that doesn’t have an historical reference point or somewhere to head to, one that is totally & absolutely moving in freedom, no longer holding on to any particular birthplace or particular name.

It’s a letting go of all that. Then you’ll be functioning in a real way of your Being. You would find your Being rising in you much more, the joy rising in you much more – for no reason.

Not because you’re doing anything in particular but just because you’re now functioning in a way of living truth & allowing your Being to show you the way home, allowing your Being to show you what's completely & absolutely here right now.

Then your Being would start to teach you completely & utterly how to move as a Being within humanity. Yes, tomorrow would come – if you don’t get hit by a Number 9 bus – but it would now be an expression of your Being & not of historical reference points. You’re returning to innocence, your true state beyond all investment.

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