KENTRA: The Story of True Love - By Saintmoses Eromosele

There is little doubt that I have a flair for unique names. My name, Saintmoses, is suggestive to that fact. While I was growing up I met a pretty lady who told me that her name was Kentra. I wasn’t as mesmerized by her beauty & coy essence as by her name.

Even though Kentra’s face is lost today to my memory but the name still reverberates even in my subconscious. I know you must be wondering now why this is so. I will tell you presently.

My few moments with Kentra opened my eyes to a whole lot of things, chiefly true love. I, like many others & probably you, have been wondering why true love has been eluding the contemporary world so much.

Some fortunate souls find love but, like expensive perfume left open too long, its sweet aroma evaporates & love is lost. Where does love go? How can we increase our chances of keeping it or expressing the dept & height of genuine love? These & many other issues will be discussed in this essay.

I first fell in love when I was 16 to a girl my age. I said so many sweet things to her. But what was I actually meaning in my heart when I whispered the words I love you?

I actually meant I love myself. This was love, as I knew it. I guess the same is true of many others, if not all, including you. We're all the same. It’s only a matter of degree. I agree children & adolescents engage in a lot of fuzzy thinking & seeking, but what about adults. Are they innocent?

Adults & intellectuals use the same four-letter word, love, to describe the way they feel about a vast assortment of topics. “I love my dog. I love my car. I love Chicken Pie. I love fighting. I love Nigeria. I love. I love. I love!”

In the same breath they exclaim, “I love God!” No wonder they're confused. The ancient Greeks were more specific. They didn't use the same 4 letter word to mean all the attributes of love. Don't forget that I'm still telling you about Kentra & how my meeting with her changed my concept of true love.

The ancient Greeks used 5 different words for what they considered the various types of love. This is instructive. They categorized love into the following five categories:

• Epithumia: Epithumia means a strong desire for something or someone either for good or for bad.
• Eros: Eros is sexual or romantic desire.
• Philia: Philia is a public friendship developed over time.
• Storge: Storge is a love among family & relations.
• Agape: Agape is the giving of oneself to others sacrificially.

The love of God for humans best describes this. But I take liberty to add 2 more, Selfishness & Commitment, which I dare to call the 6th & 7nth types of love.

In essence these two summarize the dynamics of love from one end of the spectrum to the other.

Six is the Hebrew number for man because man was made on the sixth day according to Scriptures. Given man’s addiction to self, six indubitably fits him well.

Seven is the number for perfection or completion. It's also believed that God rested on the seventh day after completing creation. In the same way, designating Commitment as the 7nth type of love associates it with our goal-perfected love. It's the perfect type of love. Much of this essay will focus on the last 2 types of love, Selfishness & Commitment.

Selfishness is a perverted type of love. It would rather join forces with one or the other 5 Grecian types & pervert their essential goodness than to stand on its own. It acts like cancer. It usually stirs its cancerous head under the guise of self-preservation.

Selfishness isn't learned but innate. Even as newborn babes, we all demonstrated great skill in this area. Infants reach out, clenching their tiny hands around for whatever they can grab. They grab it & will not let even you, who gave it to them, have it back. It’s hard to express true love with clenched fists.

True love replaces “I want therefore I take” with “I live therefore I give”. Marriage doesn't do away with the danger. It simply exposes the truth. Young people often jump into marriage for what they can get rather than for what they can contribute. What a set up for disaster!

That brings me to the opposite end of the spectrum, Commitment, the seventh type of love.

Commitment represents the ultimate form of selflessness. It's the direct opposite of Selfishness. Commitment gives substance to love. It acts on love like fertilizer acts on the soil. It's markedly different from involvement. One can be involved in something & not committed.

A strong foundation for Commitment must be made before the wedding vow if the vow is expected to stick after the honeymoon. Two things were involved in a typical English breakfast: Eggs & Bacon. The hen that gives the egg is alive but the pig that gives the Bacon died. The hen was only involved but the pig was committed.

True Commitment is sacrifice. It says, “My happiness lies in the happiness of others”. Greece said, “Be wise, know thyself”. Rome said, “Be strong, discipline yourself”. Psychology says, “Be confident, assert yourself”.

Religion says, “Be good, conform yourself”. I tried all these advice but they left me empty, until Kentra drew my attention to what Jesus said; “Deny yourself, follow me”. She also reminded me of what Mother Theresa of Calcutta said, “Life isn't worth living unless it's lived for others”.

This may not appeal to some persons whose idea of life & love has been perverted by the false teachings of contemporary society. It's unfortunate to see even Christian preachers rephrasing God’s eternal law, “Love your neigbour as yourself” with the emphasis on the self.

Jesus couldn't have been emphasizing the self in the parable of the Good Samaritan. False prophets are ubiquitous, you must know. Any religion that doesn't preach Kentra’s philosophy should be discarded. He who lives to herself or himself is truly dead to others. To me, true love is a matter of give & take, with the emphasis laid on the giving.

And now, back to Kentra. Do you still find it puzzling? A bit, I guess. I can understand why. You probably imagine that Kentra is a lady, or my girl friend, or something like that. Kentra is actually a Scottish name & it means loving. Now you know why the memories still linger! Kentra is a whole new world. Kentra is God.

It's higher than even religion. It is everything perfect. God is love & Kentra is his character. If we claim that we're made in God’s image, we must share his essential character, Kentra. You must not forget that the loneliest place in the world is the human heart where love is absent.

Please write to let me know how this piece has influenced your perception of loving. Keep Kentra alive!

What does true love mean to you? - By Dr. Ulla Sebastian

Most people long for or have an image of a true love that they nourish or search for all their life.

Depending on the level of consciousness, true love can mean something completely different for different people.

On the level of the physical well-being, love is the satisfaction of vital sensual needs & the expression of bodily pleasure & vitality on the base of an intimate relationship.

If there's a distortion on that level, sexual love turns into sex addiction or sexual dependency. In such a case you see the other as an object of your satisfaction. In sex addiction you satisfy your need for bodily stimulation, in sexual dependency your need for affection.

On the level of personal well-being you care for what's best for you & what makes your life fulfilled. The task on this level is to acknowledge & truly love yourself with all your strengths & weaknesses.

If you don't know or appreciate your own value, you make yourself dependent on the appreciation & love of others. You need others to fill yourself not on the sexual level as before but on the emotional-mental realm.

You demand appreciation, identity & self-confidence. You enter the relationship as somebody who needs love rather than somebody who is willing to give love.

On the interpersonal level, you look for somebody, who compliments you, stabilises your self worth & satisfies your needs. According to the law of attraction you fall in love with somebody, who looks for the same.

The dilemma is that two dependent people who are attracted to each other for the satisfaction of their dependency needs aren't in the position to fulfil each other’s wants. They cling to each other like two burrs, without being able to give each other the nourishment of true love that each one longs for. The frustration of the lacking fulfilment leads to anger & hate.

Some spend their whole life playing this game of love & hate. Others separate & look for a better substitute. Usually the exchange ends in the same drama, if you refuse to unfold your potential.

If you on the personal level have found to yourself & you know your value, you also recognize & acknowledge it in others. When you're satisfied with yourself you don’t request the other person to change for your own sake.

On the contrary: You'll support him/her to unfold his or her potential. You stand back, if necessary, or you stand at his/her side. You share your strengths & weaknesses, allow yourself to be vulnerable & in that way deepen the intimacy of the partnership.

The "yes" to the other person is a necessity to provide the safety to master a crisis together. The relationship is an instrument of growing together & growth means an imbalance in time. This imbalance however doesn't endanger the relationship, but releases the potential for creative solutions.

The ability for an intimate relationship & an open & fair dispute forms the core for a co-operation within larger circles of people. The perspective on the social level expands from the cell of the pair relationship or family to the social orders, which furthers the social well-being of all.

Thru your abilities, your engagement or your love, you strengthen your neighborhood, your job or organization, which you have joined. You work together on goals, which serve the preservation of life & the common whole.

If true love means to you, that the other should mother & protect you, you will on this level look for a community that might fulfil your needs. This even more so if a couple relationships hasn't satisfied you. The community becomes a mother substitute.

Instead of synergy you experience the fight around attention, lack of respect for other community members, hidden power struggles & the defence of privileges

When you reach the level of ethics or principles will you be able to differentiate the different levels with their options & challenges. This level enables you to distance yourself from yourself.

In practice this means, that you can observe, like a neutral observer how you've handled the options & challenges of love on the different levels of development & what kind of thought forms & behavior may even today hinder you to give & receive true love. As you aren't completely identified with your own thoughts & responses anymore, you can choose how you may best overcome the obstacles.

If your partner for instance would like more room for himself, you will not simply react with fears of loss & trying to hold the partner, but you observe the responses in you & you use your competence to develop another way of dealing with such situations. With the consciousness of the fifth level, you attain the freedom to direct your thoughts & behavior in such a way that it leads to your chosen goals.

If you integrate all that you've learned on all the levels, you become an embodiment of true love that spreads to all people. This feeling of universal love is the all-encompassing feeling of compassion that Buddha spoke about. It's the wish to ease the suffering of people helping them to understand the transitory nature of this world

Each level has its own qualities & challenges & it'll take time to come to terms with them.

For a more comprehensive description & a hands-on manual on how to move towards true love, check out her Ebook: Beyond Suffering at http://www.visioform.com/uk/ebook-joy.htm

Are You Fit To Love? - By Allie Ochs

is the most important question you’ll ever ask yourself.

Let’s face it, our relationships are extremely important. Yet, often they are the cause of pain & struggle. Single or not, societal standards convince us that we can have it all. Much of the available relationship advice compels us to go after everything we want. Sadly, for many it isn't working. Climbing divorce rates & more singles seeking love are proof that our attitudes are counterproductive.

Our expectations have become highly unrealistic. Rarely do we look in the mirror & ask: Am I fit to love? Today's relationships are failing because of deterioration of character. It's time we made a point of building long-term relationship success based on the strength of our characters, instead of clever-minded relationship strategies.

Great relationships require great characters. We simply must become better people for each other. Becoming fit to love is a powerful wake-up call for the brave. It'll dramatically improve our relationships or our chances of finding love.

The happiest people are those in exceptional relationships. They're heavily invested in their most valuable asset: their relationship & have an abundance of life’s most precious commodity: love.

They all have one thing in common: they're fit to love. At the heart of all exceptional relationships are 3 universal principles: mutual respect, moral responsibility & authenticity & here's what it means:

Mutual Respect: Your partner is just as important as you.

Our partner’s dreams & hopes are as important as our own. This principle requires us to think of our partner as our equal. Given that our generation has made history as ambassadors of our “me first” society, we're more concerned with getting what we want.

For Bill, everything revolves around golfing. He spends every weekend at the golf course while his wife, Jane, looks after their 2 small children. Extra money from their already tight budget is spent on Bill’s hobby.

Stuck at home with toddlers, Jane has little freedom to do or buy anything special. Despite Jane’s complaints Bill seems completely aloof to the fact that he's disrespectful.

Relationship conflicts arise because of different perspectives. Lovers argue over who is right, instead solving the issue in their mutual best interest. The struggle over unresolved issues leads to resentment even when there's love.

Love & respect take a backseat & the relationship deteriorates. This dangerous game is the reason why many relationships fail, when they shouldn’t.

Instead of trying to change each other or putting our needs first, we must realize that our partner is just as important. In grabbing hold of our partner’s beliefs we show that we respect our partner. If conflict arises & we can't agree, we should simply agree to disagree & continue to talk with respect. Without mutual respect, it's impossible to create loving relationships.

Moral Responsibility: You're always morally responsible to those with whom you have relationships.

We live in a society that elevates self-fulfillment above anything else. We seek self-fulfillment at any cost, even at the cost of others. Regardless of how often we have heard that we aren't responsible for our partner’s happiness, we're still responsible for his or her well-being.

Love is a moral responsibility to another person. We blame our partners if things don't work out without looking in the mirror to see our own flaws. Yet, everything we think, say or do affects those we love.

Jennifer had lunch with her friend Sally at a quaint restaurant. Jennifer could barley wait to share the details about her affair with this young stud. Sally listened in awe as Jennifer blamed her so-called inattentive husband, Paul.

It was a strange twist of fate that Paul sat behind the flower-decorated lattice wall listening to every word his wife said. From here on life took a different turn. Jennifer had deceived her husband Paul & lost the respect of Sally. This is a high price to pay for moments of sex.

In our quest for better relationships, we must make our relationship a priority. We must focus on our relationship not elsewhere.

Authenticity: True love only happens when you are real

Have you ever found yourself laughing simply because everyone else did? Agreed with your partner’s opinion even though you didn’t share it or said: “I love you” when you didn’t mean it. Did you ever do something inconsistent with your true self just to please someone or to get what you wanted? Of course we all have. We have lost the bravery to be real!

For many there's quite a gap between the inside & the person they present to the world. How about Toni, the dad who rents a Porsche to impress his date, while being delinquent in child support. Debby spends every Sunday at Grant’s parents but resents it. To keep the peace, she refrains from claiming some of these Sundays on her terms.

To be validated we often compromise who we are.

Conditioned by our environment we've become products of the culture we live in. No matter how good we are at playing roles eventually our truth emerges. Being fit to love means being real. When we're authentic our relationships become real & we never have to doubt them.

Regardless of the state of our relationships or how unsuccessfully we have tried to find love we have the power to radically change today. Mutual respect, moral responsibility & authenticity are key to exceptional relationships. People in exceptional relationships are fit to love & in the process they reap some profound rewards:

·They live much happier lives
·They cope far better with stress
·They have better sex more often
·They laugh more often & have more fun
·They are healthier & live longer
·They are more optimistic
·They feel more secure & stable

No wonder we envy these people. In times like these, laced with tremendous uncertainty their relationships are like rock-solid anchors. Mahatma Gandhi said: “A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it's the prerogative of the brave”. Let’s be brave!

© Allie Ochs, 2004