About Adults

Abused During Childhood

Tuck T. Saul PhD

When a child's trust is betrayed by an adult, the child feels depressed, confused, insecure & frightened.

When that child becomes an adult, the impact of experiencing neglect &/or physical, emotional or sexual abuse, continues to have an effect on that person's life.

Abused children learn "survival skills" like withdrawing & distancing themselves from all adults or trying to be perfect to seek approval from adults.

Physical, Sexual Abuse of Girls Tied to Abnormal Stress in Women New York Times

Women who were physically or sexually abused in childhood show exaggerated physiological responses to stressful events, a new study has found. This abnormal stress response, the researchers found, appears especially pronounced in women who also have symptoms of clinical depression.

When exposed to mild stress induced in a laboratory setting, women in the study who suffered from depression & had a history of childhood abuse showed levels of ACTH, a hormone secreted by the pituitary gland in response to stress, 6 times as high as those in women without such histories.

personal note: I remember initially meeting my 2nd husband, who was a sheriff's deputy in Palm Beach County, Florida. He was striking in appearance because of the extreme neatness, tidiness of his uniform, polished shoes, very straight posture & almost an air of arrogance, but the smile saved him from appearing to be full of himself.

Disproportional Reactions

One of the favorite tools of manipulation in the abuser's arsenal is the disproportion of his reactions.

He reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. He'd punish severely for what he perceives to be an offense against him, no matter how minor.

He'd throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently & considerately expressed. He'd act inordinately attentive, charming & tempting (even over-sexed, if need be).

This ever-shifting code of conduct & the unusually harsh & arbitrarily applied penalties are premeditated.

The victims are kept in the dark. Neediness & dependence on the source of "justice" meted & judgment passed on the abuser - are thus guaranteed.

Dehumanization & Objectification (Abuse)

People have a need to believe in the empathic skills & basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing & objectifying people, the abuser attacks the very foundations human interaction.

Abuse

of Information

From the 1st moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl.

He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim, the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause".

The abuser doesn't hesitate to misuse the info he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.

Impossible Situations

The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed.

The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, skills, connections, or traits are the only ones applicable & the most useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability.

He uses them to:

• Cajole
• Coerce
• Threaten
• Stalk
• Offer
• Retreat
• Tempt
• Convince
• Harass
• Communicate
• & Otherwise manipulate his target

personal note: he told me, "I'll love you just a little bit more if you lose another 10 pounds."

Ambient Abuse is...

the fostering, propagation & enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability & irritation.

 There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse.

There are no apparent manipulative settings of control.

Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting".

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth & self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. The victims adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance & thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism & judgment.

The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged & the abuser - the suffering soul.

emotional abuse

Feeling sick & tired

Does he keep you up late asking you about men in your past?

Do you work so hard to please him that you feel worn out?

Do you feel sick, yet you're not sure what's wrong?

Are you unable to do things you used to do easily?

domestic violence

abuse that affects women, children & men within the cycle of violence & encompassing the possibility of physical, mental & sexual abuse

In our desire to spread understanding & compassion to women in abusive relationships, we've compiled a group of articles on some of the reasons, warning signs & solutions to abusive relationships.

What is Battering?
Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power & control over another person thru fear & intimidation, including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes they're entitled to control another. Assault, battering & domestic violence are crimes.

empowering the victim

don't cope - take the first step & get out!

then begin the process of the abuse victim's recovery....

Intervention Methods

education is the key to understanding what you must do to leave your abuser - help yourself or help someone who needs to know

• First & foremost, in your own mind, separate the behavior from the person
• You can make a difference
• Approach as a peer, don't assume a one up or one down position
• Emphasize that Violence is against the law

Use the basic skills that most counselors employ:

• actively listen
• empathize 
• reflect feelings
• rephrase
• summarize
• clarify
• prioritize

Share your reality & validate the facts that violence isn't a solution

• There's no excuse for abuse  or to "cause" another to be violent
• Share the characteristics of those who batter
• After they've vented, begin to problem solve
• Prioritize: a commitment to nonviolence is first
• Devise a safety plan.
• Teach them the time out
• Point out alternatives & consequences of returning to the situation
• Bolster their self-worth: acknowledge that they're a valuable person.
• Point out that it's their behavior that is unacceptable not them as a person
• Share the Cycle of Violence, pointing out that it only gets worse. A "wait & see" attitude is an invitation to repeat the cycle
• Share the "Time out" as a way to "break the cycle"
• Empower them to seek treatment & refer them to a qualified Batterer's Treatment Program

personal note: when i was a child, i remember being sent to various relatives houses for summer vacation. two weeks here, two weeks there, until finally the summer was about over and i was sent home, (usually by plane, i was flying alone at a very young age) just in time to be humiliated with school clothes time. my mother never liked the way clothes fit me. i was too short, my butt was too big, i was too short waisted, it was always something. i didn't have a choice as to what i was going to wear anyway. she bought my clothes and one pair of shoes. I never knew people had more than one pair of shoes, besides sneakers, that is. One pair of dress shoes and one pair of sneakers, was normal.

Anyway, my mother's sister, married my father's brother. it's a bit confusing, but they lived in a very tiny town in upstate new york. if you blinked your eye while driving thru town, you'd miss it if you weren't careful. now i realize that he was isolating her from her sisters, her parents and friends. he was isolating her from society.

my uncle was very physically abusive to his children. they had four kids. his oldest son was slightly younger than i was. i was the oldest child in the generation. he was particularly cruel to this eldest son. he verbally attacked him, humiliating him, berating him mercilessly, demeaning and degrading him. he would push him down on the ground and then kick him into the house with his heavy work boots on. my cousin would be crying and pleading for him to stop, but it only spurned his anger more. it only caused him to yell and bitterly attack him further.

i stood back, watching this behavior. my aunt did too. my other cousins watched as well. no one dared to try to stop him. it was total silence. after my cousing would get up, holding different sore parts of his body, crying, weeping, sobbing, and limping he would slowly escape to his bedroom.

my uncle would turn suddenly, look at me watching him, and change instantly into my "wonderful, nice, loving uncle," as if nothing had just transpired. my entire life, he has never said a cross word to me or been angry with me. he has always hugged me, loved me and been an excellent conversationalist with me.

my uncle was a beer drinker back in those days. i think he drank a case a day back then, the old Genessee beer. he graduated to hard liquor. and he was just as mean to his other children, tearing clumps of hair out of their heads, simply swinging to hit them, punch them, tormenting them with screaming, yelling outrageously mean and horrible things. he'd pull down their pants anywhere he was standing & start giving them the belt. i didn't know whether to be afraid of him or to love him.  kathleen

Agency Finishes Study on Family Abuse Levels As It Plans to Set Up Support Network to Deal with Problem

Preventing domestic violence

With the completion of its yearlong study, a nonprofit group is one step closer to formulating a “community-based response” to domestic violence in Queens.

“The goal was to see what's happening & to support people already involved in this kind of work & build on what they're doing,” said Ramesh Kumar, research & outreach coordinator for the Manhattan-based organization called Connect.

Research, which began last August & ended July 28, was conducted in Jackson Heights, Corona, Elmhurst & East Elmhurst. The study tried to assess the level of family violence in communities & to provide information for the drafting of prevention & intervention strategies.

Analysis of data should be finished in September.

The organization convened 6 focus groups, conducted 250 person-on-the-street surveys & interviewed representatives from about 60 community-based organizations, such as health clinics, senior centers & religious groups.

Questions were on a number of topics. Participants were asked for their opinions on the criminal justice system's handling of family violence & on the amount of attention given to the problem by government.

Subjects were asked if they would intervene if they saw a man hitting his wife & whether or not public education has been effective against child abuse. Data collection was the first phase.

Next, the organization plans to share its findings & help build a support network. The 3rd & final phase will be to ensure that this network is readily available & self-sustaining.

The initiative, called the Community Empowerment Program, began in 2000 & has focused, so far, on 3 boroughs. Research also was done in Brooklyn & the Bronx. A May 2004 findings report stated that “knowledge & awareness of domestic violence & child abuse may be relatively high,” in these 2 boroughs, but “specific & culturally appropriate resources ... were sorely lacking.

” People, it said, “don't generally know where women & families can turn for help.”

Immigrant families can be reluctant to seek help. Some “come from places where there's war & they don't trust government-related organizations,” Kumar said.

Domestic abuse is a “problem that is coming out more & more, but it's still hidden,” said Reshma Shah, a counselor at the Queens Child Guidance Center's Asian Clinic in Elmhurst.

“We have a few cases who walk in & say, 'I'm having a problem,' but most are referred to us by child administrative services, substance abuse centers & hospitals.”

The clinic, which provides mental health services, hosted a South Asian focus group. Connect also relied on Hispanic, gay & youth focus groups.

“Teens need to be more aware of these issues,” said Jesse Taylor, of the Latin American Integration Center in Woodside, which provided space for the study & worked with Connect to publish a “Teen Relationship Violence” brochure. “Some young people don't even know that they're in abusive relationships,” he said.

emotional abuse

Small demands

Does he demand that dinner be served right on the minute?

Does he insist that the house look just so?

Do you have to report how you spend every dollar?

sound familiar?

Many good cops also batterers

by Rob Carson & Lisa Kremer
The News Tribune
May 4th, 2003

All of the women interviewed said they wanted to share their stories because they were convinced other women need encouragement to leave abusive relationships & because they believe the system that cooperates to hide abuse by police must change to prevent more deaths.

"If saying something is going to help one person, I've got to do it," one woman said.

"Everything, down to the weighing, the going to the OB-GYN, the mileage," one woman said. "Your resources are completely controlled or completely removed. Life outside the home is discouraged. The blueprint that these guys follow is amazing."

Not all cops abusive

O'Dell, who retired as a career police officer w/the San Diego Police Department in 1995, now trains criminal justice professionals on domestic abuse issues, giving workshops w/titles like "Cops who Batter."

She hastens to say that by no means are all police officers abusive. "This isn't across the board," she said. "When people hear this, they always say, 'Oh no. What are you saying about cops?'"

But, generally speaking, O'Dell said, it's true that law enforcement officers tend to have a special problem with domestic violence. "They have enormous power, enormous discretion & they end up abusing it," she said.

Penny Harrington, also a former police officer, agrees that law enforcement agencies have unique problems w ith domestic violence. Harrington spent 23 years as a police officer in Portland, including 18 months as chief.

Later, she helped found the National Center for Women & Policing, a division of the Feminist Majority Foundation & she now works from her California office as an expert witness in employment discrimination cases.

"I do think policing draws certain types of people to it - some good, some not so good," Harrington said.

Some are drawn to the work because they believe the badge allows them to wield power, she said. "And that's what we're talking about in domestic violence - power & control."

The women who talked to The News Tribune added their personal testimony to that theory. Again & again, they described their relationships w/officers as if their husbands were teachers or parents, rather than partners.

"I'd get into trouble," they said, or "I'd be punished."

Their policemen husbands kept meticulous accounts of where they were at all times, the women said. Two women said their husbands tracked their mileage, just as Crystal Brame said her husband did.

One woman said her husband would call her workplace to find out if she was really there. Another said her husband thought a new blouse she'd been given was too low cut, so he ripped it off her.

One said her husband watched as she weighed herself every day, just as Crystal Brame said her husband had done. And, as Brame said of her husband, the woman said her police officer husband insisted on coming to her gynecological appointments.

Like Crystal Brame, some of the women said their husbands didn't allow them to have friends.

"I had one girlfriend & I was allowed to go to her house for an hour or two," one woman said. "I wasn't even allowed to open the front shades of my house."

"It's very isolating," another woman said. "Life outside the home is discouraged."

'Police make good batterers'

Victims' & women's advocates say the training police officers receive, beginning at police academies, can hone the skills of effective abuse.

"A lot about being a good cop leads right into being a really excellent batterer," O'Dell said.

"Cops are trained to do interrogations," she said. "We're taught always to dominate when threatened in the field. We're taught the art of manipulation, which is very handy for a batterer. And we're taught always to emerge the victor if we get into any kind of physical confrontation."

Officers are taught to intimidate by their voice & presence & to use their bodies as weapons, she said. They learn how to physically subdue people w/out leaving marks.

"I had a torn (tendon); I was strangled until I lost consciousness," one victim said. "They're all police academy maneuvers that they learn on the job & in a heartbeat they're used against you."

Women's advocates say abusive cops routinely use their handcuffs & nightsticks at home. Worst of all, O'Dell said, is the constant presence of guns.

"Weapons are around all the time," O'Dell said. "They put the gun in her ear, in her mouth or play Russian roulette. They say, trust me, no one will believe it wasn't an accident."

One alleged victim who came forward said her husband turned his gun on on her several times.

"I've had guns held to my head," she said. "I've had them held to my mouth, I've been backed into a wall w/a gun to my mouth."

During separations or divorce proceedings, officers' knowledge of surveillance techniques makes them intimidating stalkers, the women say.

One said that when she finally left her husband, "I got an unlisted phone number. He had that number within a day."

Society regards them highly

Society's high regard for police officers also figures into the equation, according to O'Dell. "We're made to feel we're special," she said. "What happens when a cop dies? There's 4 miles of cars. It's on TV."

"All of it feeds into the way batterers feel," O'Dell said. "They feel they're very special, that they're entitled to use whatever means to get what they want.

"It's narcissism also, that self-centered thing, the feeling that your whole world revolves around you. If you have those feelings in the first place, they're made bigger by the profession.

That works to an officer's advantage in the courtroom, victims say, where they know how to present themselves & their jobs give them instant credibility.

"For the spouse, that's imprinted on her psyche," O'Dell said. She believes it's impossible to get help, that no one will believe her."

To further destroy a victim's credibility, Harrington said, police officers methodically lay groundwork for a case that their wife has mental problems or is sexually promiscuous or that she has substance abuse problems.

The practice is common enough that O'Dell has a name for it that she uses in her workshops. She calls it the "Nuts, sluts, drunk or drug" tactic.

Can the cycle of domestic violence be broken?