Acceptance of Life & It's "Dark Side"

It would be easy to have a positive world view if everyone lived in paradise. It would be easy to have a positive world view if every part of the world was beautiful, if everyone was always treated with love & respect & if everyone was given all they need to be happy & live forever.

Unfortunately, we don't live in a world like that.

If scientists are correct, the earth started with no animal or plant life. Life on our planet has had to struggle to exist & to develop into higher forms. Life has always been a challenge & a series of overcoming problems.

Evils such as illness, death, pain, unhappiness, cruelty & destruction have been part of each generation. Even people who seem to have it all, in reality, have also experienced more pain, unhappiness & hardship than others may ever see.

Negative life experiences can lead to a negative philosophy of life & pervasive anxiety & depression. My client was in her early 30's & had already led a life filled with tragic events. She grew up in a small Midwestern town exposed to "all American values"; except, her parents were both alcoholics & hid their secret well.

On the surface her family appeared normal. Yet behind closed doors she had to take care of her younger bother & her intoxicated parents.

As a teenager, she escaped to the downtown area of Detroit. There she got involved with a man who said he would take care of her. Instead, he turned out to be a drug addict & dealer. He got her hooked on alcohol & a whole variety of drugs. Her life there was a nightmare.

Besides her drug dependence, she was physically, sexually & verbally abused for several years. Her views of herself & the world grew very dark. She felt like she was in hell. There seemed to be no way out & suicide was a real option.

Then she gave birth to her daughter. Although she had almost given up on herself, she decided that she wanted her daughter to get out of this terrible mess. So she went to Narcotics Anonymous & began a 12-step program to become drug & alcohol free.

She has now been in recovery for more than 8 years & turned her life around. She began supporting herself & her daughter, went back to college, finished a bachelor's degree & is now doing very well in a graduate social work program.

She has immersed herself in self-development of all kinds. Besides Narcotics Anonymous she has taken many classes, read many self-help books & received counseling. Thinking positively has been a foundation of her new life.

When I met her in a class I taught, I was impressed by her openness, her thirst for learning & her ability to interpret difficult situations positively. These characteristics have been the secrets to her recovery & success. However, it hasn't been easy.  

After the class, she came in for counseling. Whenever she heard of gangs, drugs, or violence in our area, she would feel a sense of terror. She couldn't understand it. Her life was going so well, how could she still have flashbacks of these feelings.

We explored her underlying beliefs & we discovered that a part of her still believed that the negative, dark forces of the world are "winning" & that the positive forces are "just struggling to survive."

Her fear of the "dark forces' power" created an undercurrent of anxiety & depression that entered her thoughts daily. Her positive side had to keep fighting these negative thoughts. But in the past she had fought them on a superficial level.

Instead of exploring & confronting her deeper world view, she often tried to instantly substitute positive thoughts as band-aids. She'd tell herself something like, "Everything will be ok, it's silly to worry about this." Her band-aid therapy helped her feel better temporarily, but didn't change the source of the negative thoughts.

When I finished talking, she became animated & excited. She said she knew that what I said was true. She said that as I was talking she thought of her inner city experiences. Her daughter's father & the other people she lived with were hardened, violent criminals. Most people would believe that they were evil to the core.

But she knew their backgrounds & could understand how abuse by others had empowered their inner, abusive parts. They had developed hardened shells to survive. Yet, she knew them well enough to see that each had a softer, more caring part. She had seen times when each of these hardened criminals showed vulnerability, empathy, tenderness & love. She said, "I know that if these people have a Higher Self, then everyone does."

She no longer experiences the bolts of fear when she reads the morning paper or sees the evening news. She now believes the forces of love & happiness - though gentler - are stronger than the forces of raw power. They're winning the war.

Things seem to tend downward, to justify despondency,
to promote rogues, to defeat the just; and yet by knaves, as by martyrs,
the just cause is carried forward.
Although knaves win in every political struggle,
although society seems to be delivered over
from the hands of one set of criminals into the hands
of another set of criminals as fast as the government is changed,
and the march of civilization is a train of felonies,
yet the general ends are somehow answered.
We see, now, events forced on, which seem to retard . . .
the civility of ages. But the world spirit is a good swimmer,
and storms and waves cannot drown him.
. . .throughout history, heaven seems to affect low and poor means.
Through toys and atoms,
a great and beneficent tendency irresistibly streams.

Returning students, parents clash on rules

College freedom, other changes can create differences over lifestyle

By Adam Graham / The Detroit News

Moreover, she feels a lack of respect on his part & feels Beck puts his parents on the back burner when he comes home, except in a few notable cases. “If he needs food, money or a car, we'll be the priority,” she says.

Robinson says she also thinks her mother is having a hard time accepting that she’s growing up. “She wants it to be like if I was still in high school & it’s really not like that,” she says. Still, Robinson says she tries to adjust to life at home because she doesn’t want to spend what little time she gets to see her mother fighting with her.

The phone has been a major issue for Kristina Paige, whose parents imposed a phone curfew on her, meaning she couldn’t place or receive phone calls after 10:30 p.m.

“It's hard,” Paige says. “I’m used to doing what I want to do, going about my business & then when I return home I’m under restrictions, so it’s kind of aggravating.”

Kristina’s father, Phillip, wishes she'd stick around the house more while she’s home. But he knows its a part of her growing up & leaving the nest. “I’m a parent that’s trying to teach her & school her, that’s all I can do,” he says. “And so far, she’s doing pretty good.”

While at home, students should assume old responsibilities & take on some new ones, as well, to show they’re still an important part of the family but they have an increased role as well, Newman says.

That means doing old chores like setting the table & taking out the garbage, as well as doing their own laundry, if they hadn’t before.

“It’s reassuring in a back door way to know when you come home you haven’t been displaced & that you’re still a part of the family,” Newman says. “The student need to know it’s not a case of out-of-sight out-of-mind & they still do have a significant role in this family.”

Peer Acceptance & Children's Behavior

Children's understanding of emotional expressions & situations has been found to relate to how well peers like or dislike them.

A study at George Mason University suggests that well-liked children are better able than other children to read & respond to peers' emotions.

Disliked children may misinterpret peers' emotions, leading to difficult interactions & eventual rejection by peers.

In general, positive behaviors, such as cooperation, are associated with being accepted by peers & antisocial behaviors, such as aggression, are associated with being rejected. This is confirmed by recent studies identifying characteristics & behaviors related to being liked or disliked by peers.

Good communication is a skill important to the continuation of social play. Well-liked children appear to communicate better than disliked children.

In a study at the Univ. of Texas, well-liked children were more likely than others to be clear in direct communications by saying the other child's name, establishing eye contact, or touching the child they intended to address.

Well-liked children more often replied appropriately to children who spoke to them, rather than ignoring the speaker, changing the subject, or saying something irrelevant.

While well-liked children weren't any less prone to reject peers' communications toward them, they were more likely to offer a reason for the rejection or suggest alternatives.

e.g., in rejecting a peer's suggestion, "let's pretend we're hiding from the witch," a well-liked child was more likely to say, "no, we played that yesterday," or, "no, let's be robbers instead," rather than just saying, "no."

Peer Acceptance & Social Reputation

It's important to recognize the role of the peer group in maintaining a child's level of social acceptance. Once a child has established a reputation among peers either as someone with whom it's fun to play or as someone with whom joint play is unpleasant or dissatisfying, this reputation may influence the way other children perceive the child's later behavior.

If a negative reputation is developed, helping the child become accepted may require more than a change in the child's behavior; it may also be necessary to point out to the other children when the child's behavior changes & to guide them to respond to the child in positive ways.

How Can Teachers & Other Adults Help?

Studies such as those mentioned above suggest important elements to be considered by those who wish to understand why a particular child is unpopular & need to decide what to do to help that child gain social acceptance. To assist a disliked child in gaining acceptance, careful, informed observation is needed.

Observe behavior & note:

• Does the child have greater success interacting with 1 or 2 peers than with larger groups?
• Does the child often seem to misinterpret the apparent intentions & emotional cues of other children?
• When rejecting a playmate's suggestion, does the child provide a reason or an alternative idea?
• Do classmates consistently rebuff or ignore the child's attempts to engage in play, even when the child is using strategies that should work?
• There's no recipe for facilitating acceptance. To help a child, it's essential to identify the child's areas of difficulty.

Strategies To Consider

Adults who work with groups of children may feel frustrated in their attempts to help a child achieve social acceptance.

Many approaches can be adapted to particular situations & needs of individual children. Special play activities can be arranged, such as grouping children who lack social skills with those who are socially competent & will thus provide examples for learning effective skills.

Planning special play sessions with a younger child may help the socially isolated child. Research reports that socially isolated preschoolers exposed to play sessions with pairs of younger children eventually become more socially involved in the class than do isolated children who play with children of their own age.

The decision to pair a child with a younger or more socially skilled child should depend on whether the child's socially isolation is due to ineffective social skills or lack of confidence.

Some children have adequate social skills, but are anxious & inhibited about using them. Opportunities to be the big guy in play with a younger child may give the inhibited child a needed boost of social confidence.

Sometimes disliked children behave aggressively because they don't know how to resolve conflicts. Planned activities can help children generate alternative solutions to difficult social situations.

Skits, puppet shows, or group discussions that present hypothetical situations can encourage a wide range of ideas for potential solutions. Such methods can increase the number of appropriate strategies, such as taking turns or sharing, that are available to the children.

However, to effectively implement such newly learned strategies in the classroom, children must be given on-the-spot guidance when real conflict situations occur. To help with conflict resolution, the adult can encourage the children involved to voice their perspectives, generate potential solutions & jointly decide on & implement a mutually acceptable solution.

When a child has difficulty entering ongoing play, an adult can steer the child toward smaller or more accepting groups, or can structure the environment to include inviting spaces for private small group or one-on-one play.

A loft, a tent, or a large empty box might make an inviting space. When a child asks, "Can I play?" the teacher can guide the child in observing the ongoing play, figuring out the group's theme & purpose & thinking of a role to play or of ways to contribute to the group.

On-the-spot guidance by adults can facilitate communication, which contributes to successful play. A child who rejects playmates' ideas without offering explanations or alternatives could be told, "Ben I don't think Tom understands why you don't want to play store. Can you tell him why?" or "Can you tell him what else you could do together?"

A disliked child having difficulty reading others' emotional cues might be given a suggestion - "Look at Mary's face. Do you think she likes it when you poke her?"

In addition to using techniques that focus on the disliked child, adults may need to translate for the peer group the unpopular child's behavior & apparent intentions.

e.g., an adult might say, Thomas wants to play with you. If you don't need another father, who could he be instead?" However, when intervention focuses on the peer group, adults shouldn't force peers to play with a disliked child.

This may cause resentment & increase rejection of the child.

The teacher's attempts to help a disliked child find a comfortable niche in the peer group may prove more successful if the child's family is involved, either directly or indirectly.

After describing to the parent what techniques are being tried in the classroom, the teacher may suggest how the parent can use some of the strategies to help the child play with peers at home or interact with siblings.

Children who feel good about themselves & experience loving  family relationships may bring their expectations of acceptance & success to the peer group. Such expectations can become self-fulfilling prophecies.

For the child whose poor self-concept reflects difficulties in the child's family, parent conferences in which the teacher can offer support may be helpful. Literature on such topics as positive discipline & effective parent-child interaction can be offered on a parent reading shelf or bulletin board.

Parent discussion groups, facilitated by a knowledgeable professional, can provide information about the importance of social competence & guidance strategies that can help parents facilitate their child's development.

Steps to Attaining a Perfect 10 Body Image

Challenge Your Mind

• Be open to learning new experiences

• Sign-up for a new class/workshop

• Read a new book

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Acceptance doesn't equal approval.

Many people think acceptance means approval. This confusion causes them to balk at the whole idea.

In the way we're discussing it, the 2 aren't equivalent. Acceptance doesn't equal approval. i.e. Accepting the fact that there's poverty in the world doesn't mean you approve of poverty. (by the way, it's kathleen here! clicking on the words, "approve" & "approval" will open a new window of opportunity for you to read about other negative needs we may have. We don't need approval, learn more about being competitive & feeling like you need to be perfect!")

Acceptance also doesn't mean you're giving up. Accepting your doctor's diagnosis of cancer doesn't mean you'll refuse treatment & just roll over & die.

Acceptance doesn't preclude taking appropriate action. Recognizing that you're anxious & experiencing shortness of breath doesn't mean you won't use the coping skills you have for calming down.

Acceptance is simply paying attention to the way things are & taking appropriate action. 

Accepting Change

What is Change?

Change can be considered as:

• A break in the normal routine

• A threat to our security

• An alteration in our current life-style

• The unknown, the ambiguous, the uncertainty one must face after a loss

• The challenging of old beliefs, attitudes & values after a loss occurs

• The modification of current patterns of social interaction & conduct in adjusting to an altered life after a loss occurs

• A challenge to the status quo

• Unsettling the calm peace previously established

• The requirement to shift one's way of reacting to a loss

• The process by which a system reshapes or reforms itself in returning to a stable, functional condition 

• An undesirable reality for individuals who have suffered from an unpredictable home life with continuous reshuffling

• A motivator for individuals to review the way they're living their lives & relating to others; a chance to improve their relationships & their quality of life

• Altering the sense & order we have maintained in life

• Shifting of priorities to make new order & sense out of the consequences of the change

• An unbalancing in which we are unsure of ourselves & unsure of our ability to adjust

A requirement for us to call on our inner, untapped resources to adjust & cope with the results

• Often a requirement for us to call on others to help us adjust & cope with the consequences

• Perceived with fear & dread because of its unknown & ambiguous nature

• A continuous process of readjusting & refining relationships & ways of acting

• A way of life for people who thrive on crisis & disarray. Some people need continuous change in order to feel vital & alive.

• A process required to improve our current level of functioning

• The desired outcome of all therapeutic processes in which people are addressing personal, emotional &/or physical problems

Accepting Change:

How do people who avoid change act?

People who actively avoid change in their lives:

• Act in a cautious manner in all aspects of their lives, personal & professional

• Are very security oriented & seek a set or patterned way of life for themselves
• Resist discussions that'll focus on areas needing change in their lives
• Withdraw from situations that may result in a need for change
• Deny the need for altered behavior resulting from a loss
• Get angry with the people in their lives who confront them with the need for change in order to adjust to a loss
• Fantasize how life has remained the same despite a loss & ignore any signs of the need for change
• Are willing to do anything in order to avoid necessary changes in their lives
• Associate only with people who support their beliefs & value systems that deny the need for change

Those that exhibit these 4 of the 5 stages of loss:

• denial
• bargaining
• anger
• despair

Accepting change:

What are some benefits to be gained by adjusting to change?

• Appropriate coping & development of adaptive behavior patterns required by the loss
• Individual, personal, social & emotional growth
• Increased personal, marital, family or work productivity
• Restoration of a sense of order & purpose to life
• A "getting on" in life with a minimum of delay, confusion, or complication resulting from the avoidance of change
• Identification of a set of internal resources & strengths perhaps not previously evident in ourselves
• A conservation of our personal energy by channeling it into necessary & desirable activities in the adjustment to change
• Avoiding fearful, paranoid, or frightened behavior in activities that might result in change.
• A relaxed point of view about the realities of life & open acceptance of the inevitability of change & adaptation for the future
• A realistic establishment of goals for ourselves & others that fit within the parameters of the resulting change
• Giving ourselves a chance to use our positive qualities & attributes to their fullest, validating our self-worth & goodness
• An improvement of our mental health by reducing stress induced by the need for adapting to change

Accepting Change: What feelings do people have when facing the possibility of change in their lives?

• fear
• discouragement
• threatened anxiety
• insecurity
• challenged
• caution
• anger
• unbalanced
• confusion
• anticipation
• inhibited
• disappointment
• concern
• unsettled
• depression
• avoidance
• uncomfortable dread
• excitement
• intimidated

Accepting change: What are some irrational beliefs we have about change?

• Change is bad.
• I could never adjust to that change.
• Change is unfair.
• Things in my life should always remain the same.
• I've experienced too much change in my life & I don't want anymore change!
• If I ignore it, it'll go away.
• There must be something I can do to avoid this change.
• Why did this have to happen to me?
• I'm never happy & relaxed at the same time; I need change to keep me alive.
• There's no need to change my current lifestyle, even though I've experienced this loss.
• It only hurts for a little while.
• You should adjust to all changes easily.
• Security in life is creating an unchanging environment for oneself.
• My life will fall apart if I change like that.
• There's only one way I want my life to be.
• Life should be easy!
• Change should be avoided at all cost.
• I don't need to change; the others involved in my life need to change.
• You must always lose a part of yourself in order to adjust to a change.
• You can have stability in your life only by avoiding the continuous adjustments to change.  

Action steps for accepting change

Step 1. Determine what change is most likely to occur after a specific loss. In determining what the change is, answer the following questions:

• When will this change take place?
• How will the change affect my interpersonal relationships?
• What material things in my life will be affected by this change?
• How will my work be affected by this change?
• How will this change affect myself or my personality?
• What are the benefits to me of fully accepting this change?
• What are the consequences if I don't fully accept this change?
• How will this change affect my family &/or marriage?
• What information do I need in order to openly accept this change?
• What personal beliefs, opinions, attitudes or behavior will need to be adapted in order for my full acceptance of this change?

Step 2. Once you've answered the questions in Step 1, describe the change with which you're dealing as a result of the specific loss.

Step 3. Now that you know what the change is, create a visual image of yourself 6 months from now after having fully accepted the change.

In this visualization picture yourself as successfully coping with the change. Include the following variables into your visual image:

• People involved
• Material objects involved
• Your work, if involved
• Your family &/or spouse, if involved

You as a person:

• how you're feeling
• how you're acting
• your success in the new, changed circumstance

Step 4. Use the visual image of your successful acceptance of change in a process of self-instruction.

Self-instruction involves the following events:

• Get yourself into a relaxed state by using both muscle relaxation & deep breathing.
• Once you're relaxed, begin to visualize the image of successful acceptance of change.
• As you observe this image, tell yourself how you can achieve this changed life.
• Tell yourself you deserve this successful conclusion to your loss.
• Keep observing this image in a relaxed state for up to 30 minutes.
• When you're ready to end the visual image count backward from 5 & arise with a commitment to full acceptance of the change & the successful life adaptation you just visualized.
• Repeat this visual imagery at least once a day until you begin to believe & act in a way that reflects your full acceptance of the change in your life & your adaptation to it.

Step 5. If you remain unable to accept or adapt to the change, perhaps you never realized exactly what the change would be. Perhaps you're immobilized due to your resistance to change.

In either case, return to Step 1 & begin again. Repeat Steps 1 thru 5 until you have gained acceptance of the change.  

Affirmations of Commitment to Change

When you're deciding to change your lifestyle to one which is more balanced & healthy, you'll be fighting the messages & beliefs which you've hidden in your mind since you were a little child.

These messages are typically negative & don't encourage you to pursue the balanced lifestyle in this program. The first task you need to accomplish to assist you to be successful in your lifestyle change is to change the messages in your mind which sabotage or unravel your good intentions to change.

To do this you need to first use the ALERT system to identify the irrational beliefs which hold you captive to negative thinking about yourself & your desire to change & grow.

To do an ALERT you need to first Assess what's causing you anxiety, panic or stress. In this situation what's causing such stress is that you're wanting to change your lifestyle & this includes changing your relationship with food, implementing an exercise program into your life & changing the ways you relate to yourself & your body.

This will be very stressful if you have a number of messages or old scripts in you brain which tell you that you'll never be able to accomplish this goal. Once you have assessed what's causing the stress,  then you need to Lessen the impact of the stressor by identifying the sick, irrational, unrealistic, non-reality based thinking which underlies your beliefs & feelings about the stressor.

You need to identify what irrational messages you have in your head about food, weight loss, exercise, body image, thinness, size, appearances, diets, etc.

You then need to Ease out of the stressor by developing new rational, realistic, reality based, healthy messages which are affirmations which you can use in self-talk & visualizations which teach you a new way to think about, image & feel about things which are involved in developing a balanced lifestyle.

Once you've identified the new self-talk messages you can Relax by breathing in the new messages & breathing out the old stale ones. As you become more relaxed & less anxious about pursuing your balanced lifestyle changes your can then Take Action to implement the changes needed.

Once you've "ALERTed" out what the old messages are you then need to change these messages into new healthy self-affirmations which you need to then consistently tell yourself for the rest of your life to keep your efforts at balancing your lifestyle on track.

The use of the ALERT system in identifying the unhealthy old self messages will assist you to reduce the anxiety, stress or panic you feel as you begin the process of lifestyle change.

What follows are sample negative self-scripts which keep people stuck in their unhealthy lifestyles. After each negative message you'll find sample affirmations which utilize the I am... I can... & the I will... sentence stems. 

Put the messages which you need to hear yourself say on 3 x 5 index cards & keep them handy to repeat to yourself  throughout the course of every day you need until these new messages become habitual ways of thinking about the change in lifestyle you want to accomplish. 

You can also put these affirmations on an audio tape in your own voice to  listen to throughout the day so as to help motivate you & to keep you on track in your efforts to establish a balanced lifestyle for yourself.

Old Message:

• I shouldn't have to expend so much time, energy & resources on trying to changes my lifestyle.

New Affirmations:

• I'm willing to spend the time, energy & resources needed to change my lifestyle.
• I can spend time, energy & resources necessary to change my lifestyle, because I deserve it.
• I will spend the time, energy & resources necessary to change my lifestyle.
• I need to spend time, energy & resources to change my lifestyle.
• To change one's lifestyle takes a great deal of personal time, energy & resources.

Old Message:

• I'm ugly & unacceptable.

New Affirmations:

• I'm beautiful.
• I can acknowledge my beauty every day of my life.
• I'll acknowledge my beauty every day; of my life.
• I accept myself unconditionally.
• I can accept myself unconditionally every day of my life.
• I'll accept myself unconditionally every day of my life.
• I accept myself as a human being who needs to change my lifestyle so that others will be able to see the beauty I possess.
• I accept myself as beautiful & am making a commitment to let that beauty shine for others by changing my lifestyle.
• I'm willing to do what's necessary to change my lifestyle so that my beauty will shine more.

Old Message:

• I've always failed in the past. So why try?  Since I'll fail again in this effort.

New Affirmations:

• I'm able to change my lifestyle despite the failures in the past.
• I can change my lifestyle despite my failures in the past.
• I'll change my lifestyle despite my failures in the past.
• I'm changing my lifestyle by ridding myself of guilt over my past.
• I can change my lifestyle without resorting to use of guilt to motivate me.
• I'll change my lifestyle without using guilt as a motivator.

Old Message:

• I shouldn't have to give up food & begin to exercise to change my  lifestyle.

New Affirmations:

• I'm developing a new relationship with food & incorporating exercise in my life to change my lifestyle so that I can be healthier, have more energy & feel better about myself.
• I can develop a new relationship with food & increase the  level of exercise in my life.
• I'll develop a new relationship with food & increase the level of exercise in my life.

Old Message:

• I should be on a diet program in order to loss weight & gain a balanced lifestyle.

New Affirmations:

• I'm able to lose weight & gain a balanced lifestyle by not going on a diet.
• I can lose weight & get my life in balance by not going on a diet.
• I'll lose weight & get my life in balance by not going on a diet.
• I'll lose weight by developing a new relationship w/food & increasing the exercise & physical activity in my life.
• I'm free of diets.
• I love myself enough to cut back on the foods which keep me out of balance.
• I love myself enough to increase my exercise & physical activity when I choose to eat foods or large amounts of food which put me out of balance.
• I'll work at keep my body's bank account in balance.
• I'll balance the deposits of calories & fat grams into my body's bank account with the withdrawals of exercise & physical activity.

Old Message:

• I should enjoy exercise in order to make it part of my balance lifestyle.

New Affirmations:

• I'm able to implement an exercise program in my life which is reasonable & healthy for me.
• I can exercise in a healthy & reasonable way.
• I'll exercise in order to balance my body's bank account.
• I'm committing to make room in my day for exercise & physical activity.
• I can exercise consistently & learn to enjoy it.
• I'll exercise consistently in order to feel better.
• I'll exercise consistently because I deserve it.

Old Message:

• I should be able to achieve my goals for weight loss & a balanced life right away.

New Affirmations:

• I'm committing to a life time of balancing my life.
• I can take time to do what I need to do to lose weight & balance my life.
• I'll allow myself  the time needed to lose weight & balance my life.
• I'll grow in patience with myself as I take the time needed to change & grow.
• I'm able to have patience to face the tasks ahead of me to put balance into my life.

Old Message:

• I should only be rewarded if I lose the weight I believe I need to lose. 

New Affirmations:

• I'm going to stop being critical & judgmental of myself.
• I can reward myself for the internal changes I make & not judge myself on the externals.
• I'll reward myself for the efforts I'm making because I'm worth the effort.
• I'm changing my lifestyle for me & no one else.
• I'll stay off of a scale during the next 2 years.
• I'll measure my success in balancing my lifestyle on my internals & not my externals.
• I'm growing in a guilt free lifestyle.
• I'm able to do good things for myself.
• I'll let go of the need to be self-critical & self-judgmental in my efforts to balance my life.
• I'll do what it takes to change & will reward those internal changes as they come.
• I recognize that a balanced lifestyle comes first by changing the way I think about myself.

Old Message:

• I should never be easy on myself or I'll never accomplish the goal of a balanced lifestyle & loss of weight.

New Affirmations:

• I love myself enough to do what's necessary to balance my life.
• I can grow in self love & do what I need to do to put my life into balance.
• I'll love & nurture myself internally as I put my life into balance.
• I love myself enough to do what's necessary to put my life into balance.
• I'll live a guilt free lifestyle.
• I'll do what I need to do to balance my life because I'm worth it.
• I'll change the way I live my life because I deserve it.
• I'm changing the way I live my life for me & no one else.
• I'll not use self-criticism & self-deprecation in order to motivate myself.
• I'll love & nurture myself to grow in the commitment to do what's healthy for me.
• I'll accomplish more in changing my lifestyle by being self-loving & self-forgiving.

Old Message:

• I shouldn't be seen by others until my body is thin, beautiful & presentable.

New Affirmations:

• I'm willing to let others see my  body today the way it is rather than what I wish it was.
• I can let others see my body just the way it is.
• I'll let others see my body just the way it is.
• My body is me & I'm acceptable, loveable & beautiful.
• My body is undergoing a change due to the change in lifestyle which I've begun.
• My body will continue to change as I balance my lifestyle.
• My body is worth being seen & heard by others.
• I accept my body today just the way it is, because it's me.
• I love myself, therefore I love my body for what it is.
• I love myself enough to do what's necessary to help my body to become healthier.
• I have a lot to offer others & I'll make myself present to them.
• I'll overcome my need to be invisible in order to help myself grow in self-confidence & self-love.
• I'll overcome my "Achilles heel" of embarrassment over my body.
• I'll do what I need to do to accept my body as worth being seen & heard.

Old Message:

• I should be able to change & balance my lifestyle perfectly or I should quit trying.

New Affirmations:

• I'm a human being & don't expect myself to be perfect in changing & balancing my lifestyle.

·         I can accept that I'll not be perfect in changing & balancing my lifestyle

·         I'll accept that there's no need to be perfect in my efforts to change & balance my lifestyle.

·         I'm aware that relapse & slips are a part of recovery & I'll get back on the "wagon" as soon as I fall off in my attempts to change & balance my lifestyle.

·         I accept that the Balanced Lifestyle Program is a program for human beings who're fallible & imperfect & that there's no need for me to be obsessed with doing it perfectly.

·         I can only do what's humanly possible to change, grow & get my lifestyle into balance.

·         I'll measure my changes in this program by the changes in attitude & the increase in exercise & physical activity I accomplish.

·         I'm giving up my need to punish & humiliate myself because I view myself as a failure for not being perfect.

·         I let go of the need to have a perfect body in order for me to love myself.

·         I'll continue to love myself even if I slip or relapse in my efforts to balance my life.

·         I'll utilize the tools of self-forgiveness & letting go of shame & guilt in order for me to accept that I'm a human being who'll fail & make mistakes in my efforts to change.

Old Message:

·         I should be able to do this on my own & privately without the need for group support.

New Affirmations:

·         It's ok that I'm using a group to support my efforts to change & balance my lifestyle.

·         I can reach out to others in my support group for support as I work at changing my lifestyle.

·         I'll reach out to others in my support group for support as I work at changing my lifestyle.

·         I can utilize the emotional support of others as I make changes in my life.

·         I'll accept the emotional support of others as I make changes in my life.

·         It's healthy for me to reach out to others for support as I make changes in my life.

·         It's important for me to be open & honest with my feelings with the support people in my life so that they can provide me the emotional support when I really need it.

 Emotional Support

Living w/your spouse can bring about strong feelings. Some are positive feelings & some can be negative.

Feelings of isolation & rejection can surface when uncomfortable feelings aren't shared with one another. When we share this with our spouse & feel accepted & loved, it's a warm experience.

Accept everything about yourself - I mean everything.

You are you & that is the beginning & the end.

No apologies, no regrets.

Clark Moustakas

Who's To Judge?

by Marie T. Russell

Over the past few years, numerous teachings about unconditional love & acceptance have come to our attention. Many of us have begun to realize the importance of being nonjudgmental & accepting people the way they are.

Individually, we all may not have attained the reality of this practice in our moment-to-moment existence, however, we're aware of it & have set this realization as an attainable goal.

Ideally, we all want to be in a constant state of total unconditional acceptance. However, in your zeal to become 'unconditional' have you overlooked yourself?

Have you been able to stop judging & accept the inconsistencies that occasionally cause you to fall short of the mark?

When we embark on the 'spiritual' path, we begin judging ourselves (& sometimes judge others) as not being 'spiritual' enough. In the past, some people whipped themselves physically when they judged themselves to have sinned.

In this modern day & age, we, at times, chose instead to whip ourselves mentally & emotionally. How many of us have internal beliefs that sound like this:

• "I'm so stupid."
• "I can never do anything right."
• " I'm selfish."
• "I don't deserve..." (cancel)"

Many of us were raised with an internal belief of being a sinner. We were told that we were born sinners. With programs like this running the show within, no wonder we are harsh on ourselves. We get 'down' on ourselves for still not getting it right.

We strive to be unconditionally accepting & when we aren't, we berate ourselves for our behavior. When we don't attain our goals, we judge ourselves as no good, or at least not good enough.

It's time to fire our self-appointed judge & jury.

We must begin to forgive ourselves for believing we were bad & begin to stop acting as if we're fallen angels. We need to realize that we're only 'fallen' when we choose to believe that we are. If we realize that we're truly good & live according to that belief, things will come into place.

We're emerging from a time of believing ourselves to be "Sinners," to knowing we're "Winners," when we live according to our inner truth & light.

More understanding & patience toward ourselves is a must.

Unconditional love & acceptance must also reside w/in us & for us. We must realize that, as with any new skill, it takes time to make it an automatic part of our lives.

i.e., when you began to ride a bike, you probably fell a few times before achieving the right balance; when you learned to ski, you didn't slalom down the hill at high speeds the first few times, etc.

It's the same with learning to release behaviors from our insecure & guilt-ridden past. It's essential to realize that we're like children learning something new & we need compassion for our mistakes. I feel that if we were 'perfect', in other words, if we've learned all that this 'school of life' has to teach us, then we wouldn't be here.

By the very fact of our existence on this topsy-turvy planet, we know that we still haven't graduated... we still have some things to learn. Remember being in grade school? Does a child in grade 3 criticize himself for not knowing everything that a grade 10 student knows?

That child may wish s/he had that knowledge, but knows it's not 'her or his fault' for not yet being at that level. So it is with life. If you're still in grade 3 in the school of life (or grade 6 or 10), be compassionate with yourself. You still have a ways to go.

Do the best you can with the knowledge you now have & forgive yourself when you don't pass the daily tests. Simply make a conscious decision to strive to do better next time & let go of the guilt-ridden thoughts, need for punishment & self-criticism. You're a student of life, love & inner peace.

As a student, you're expected to make 'mistakes' & to strive to correct them. Guilt, self-afflicted judgment & punishments aren't required of you. Let that stuff go! They can only hamper you in your movement forward into the light of total love & acceptance. Blessed be the children that we truly are!

Read more from "Painfully Shy: Learning the art of Acceptance" by clicking the title. Some of the above information about acceptance was taken from their website!

social acceptance

What Others' think is Important to Health & Happiness

COLUMBUS, Ohio - What others think about you may affect your own health & well being. A new study found that college students held in high esteem by their roommates were happier & had less physical problems than those who were not liked as much.

The less-favored students had more mental & physical problems, such as low self esteem, depression & illness.

And while researchers in the past have acknowledged that a link exists between social acceptance & personal health, the jury was out on how the 2 affected each other. According to this study, social acceptance affects mental & physical health more than health predicts social acceptance.

"Self esteem & other health factors were hurt if a student lived with someone who disliked him," said Brad Schmidt, a study co -author & an associate professor of psychology at Ohio State Univ.

The research appears in the current issue of the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology. Schmidt co-authored the study with Thomas Joiner of Florida State Univ. & Kathleen Vohs of Dartmouth College.

The study included 143 undergraduate students & their roommates. Some of the students, 84 women & 59 men, chose their own roommates, while others were assigned roommates by the university.

Roommates of the participating students filled out a questionnaire in which they were asked how much esteem they had for their roommates (i.e., "I see my roommate as a person of worth, at least on an equal basis w/others.")

The participating students filled out questionnaires that measured their own feelings of depression, aggression, anger & self esteem, as well as physical illness & alcohol & cigarette use.

All students completed the questionnaires twice; the 2nd session took place 3 weeks after the first.

Students who were disliked by their roommates reported more depression, anger, physical illness & lower self esteem. Also, the self esteem of disliked individuals tended to deteriorate during the 3 weeks between questionnaire sessions.

"This relatively quick change in self esteem suggests that a lack of social interaction can create immediate emotional distress & physical consequences," Schmidt said.

Students who had low social acceptance from a roommate at the 1st session also reported higher levels of physical aggression at the 2nd session.

"When a person is judged less than favorably, he's faced with either accepting or rejecting that opinion," Schmidt said. Acceptance might lead to depression, while rejection could lead to anger & physical aggression.

"But as feelings of social acceptance increased, so did self esteem," he said. "An adequate level of social support can be a buffer against physical & mental health problems."

Overall, the findings suggested that social acceptance during the 1st session was related to a variety of mental & physical health factors 3 weeks later. But physical health was the only factor that seemed to have an influence on social acceptance.

"Physical health plays a role in social acceptance, particularly with individuals who don't develop social affiliations easily," Schmidt said.

"If you're not taking care of yourself initially, you're not going to be attractive to & accepted by those around you. And this lack of acceptance may exacerbate your physical illness."  

5 Steps to Accepting Compliments Graciously - By Linda Dessau, the Self-Care Coach

Many creative artists are uncomfortable with praise and compliments. We can be so busy judging ourselves harshly that we don't quite know what to do with positive feedback.

We almost wish people would just "come out and say it," "it" being the negative thing that they're REALLY thinking, just to prove our negative self-perception.

Instead, when we can learn how to embrace positive feedback and accept compliments graciously, we open up the door for more positive thoughts and interactions, and we actually start to BELIEVE them.

Then, when our inner critic starts up again, we can intentionally choose to believe the POSITIVE messages we've been receiving.

Here are five steps towards accepting compliments graciously.

1. Notice. Begin by noticing what you tend to say when someone gives you a compliment. Do you minimize it by saying, "Oh, it was nothing", do you argue with it by saying, "No, I don't look good, I look awful!" or do you find yourself so uncomfortable that you're at a complete loss for words?

2. Practice. You can learn to accept compliments more graciously. After noticing what you tend to do now, decide how you'd like to respond the next time you receive a compliment. Then, practice saying your new response (in front of a mirror is best) until saying it feels natural and sincere.

What to say? A warm and heartfelt, "thank you", coupled with a smile, is always appropriate and is usually enough. Be cautious of feeling the need to explain, justify, or return a compliment automatically.

3. Pause. When someone pays you a compliment, stop before you respond. This is where change happens – when we step out of autopilot and try something different. Take a deep breath and remember your wish to accept compliments more graciously.

4. Turn your attention outwards. Focus on the person who's giving you the compliment. Think about their intentions. Sometimes our inner critic tells us stories about the person being sarcastic, having some kind of ulterior motive or not truly meaning what they say. Instead, expect the best and act on the assumption that the person is sincere.

Focus on being kind and courteous to that person. If you make them feel good by accepting their compliment with genuine appreciation, they'll remember that and speak up the next time they have something positive to share with you.

Consequently, if you belittle their words by arguing, minimizing or looking as if they've just insulted you, they'll remember that as well.

5. Try it from the other side. Another way to get better at accepting compliments is to GIVE more compliments. Notice how other people receive them. This can improve your relationships greatly, because now you'll be focused more on the other person. As you're looking for positive things to compliment them on, you'll also be keeping your thoughts more positive overall, and you'll have less time for worrying and negative thinking.

© Linda Dessau, 2006.